I’m a huge believer in everyone acquiring a mentor for
themselves – in spirituality. I have a
number of mentors. Some are men, some
are women. Some are relatives, some are
friends, and some are neither.
But I have only one Rabbi.
The word “Rabbi” is an English word that comes from the
Hebrew word “Rav.” Rav means “great.” It refers
to someone that is great – great in Torah knowledge, great in character traits,
great in wisdom and great in kindness. Torah
leadership is characterized by the synthesis of those features: Knowledge and
ethics are indivisible. The Torah is
full of character sketches of those that were great in Torah knowledge but not
character – they are not our heroes.
Our Rabbi is wise, humble, self-effacing. He is spiritual and lives oh-so-simply. He is straight as an arrow. Ethereal, yet totally gets our world. I honestly cannot imagine life without his guidance. We ask him questions ranging from a point of
minutiae in Jewish law, advice on budgeting for our new home, whether it’s
ethical to forward an email without permission, and how to navigate family
conflicts. We ask him how much to push
our kids and when to chill out, how to balance our adherence to Jewish law with
the widely divergent observance level of our friends, and whether it would be a
violation of the laws of lashon hara (not to gossip)
to share a story for a greater cause.
In the Orthodox world this concept is known as
daas Torah – literally, the wisdom of
Torah. It refers to the special insight
a person cultivates when they learn and live Torah. Likewise, there is a broad range of how
often and how much any given person relies on their Rabbi’s advice and
guidance. In the Chassidic world, there
is a more intense and closely bonded relationship, whereas in other
points along the Ortho-spectrum the relationship might be less intense.
It may come as a surprise that the Rabbis don’t control the
intensity of the relationship – the “student” does. As well, the “student” controls who his/her
Rabbi will even be. I remember people
asking me whether my Orthodox Rabbi “allows” me to do this or that. I laughed; my Rabbi doesn’t allow or disallow
anything. He is a public servant, not
its taskmaster. My Rabbi only tells me
what to do if I ask and then I can go home and do whatever I want. Nope, no 1984-type surveillance as far as the
eye can see…
So how to choose a Rabbi?
Many people choose their Rabbi one of two ways: by
inheritance (who married your parents or officiated your bar mitzvah). Or, by association with a synagogue. People join a synagogue for lots of reasons,
and the Rabbi comes along with the picture.
Few actually “Rabbi-shop,” in search of a life mentor – but that’s the
course I recommend.
What to look for when Rabbi-shopping?
1.
Character.
Any Rabbi worth his salt ought to be a
living example of Torah. This includes:
honesty, kindness, scholarship, wisdom, selflessness, truth, humility.
2.
Spirituality.
I want a Rabbi that has a closer
relationship with God than I do. I want
a Rabbi who talks to God on a regular basis, who continues his education daily,
pursuing Torah study (as a student, not just as a Rabbi), who recognizes that
Jewish learning never ends. I want a
Rabbi whose faith is so strong and unwavering that when I need encouragement
and strengthening, he reminds me, both in word and in shining example, what a
man of faith looks like.
3.
Respect.
To maintain a relationship with a
Rabbi-as-mentor, there must be mutual respect.
I must feel that my Rabbi respects me, wherever I happen to be on my
Jewish journey, and that I respect him.
4.
Accessibility.
If I am going to be relying on my
Rabbi to help me navigate life decisions, my Rabbi needs to be accessible. My Rabbi in particular happens to be of the
more old-fashioned variety – my husband walks into the study hall where he
studies Torah and asks him questions any day of the week. Or we just call him at home. He’s come over to our home on a dime to
discuss an issue. A Rabbi that is not
accessible is like a fabulous diamond locked in a safe.
5.
Life’s wisdom proven over time.
True Torah leaders are neither
elected nor hired. They arise
organically, by virtue of one person at a time recognizing brilliance, caring
and greatness. Each time we ask our Rabbi
a question we are overwhelmed anew with his sheer piety, insight, and spiritual
connectedness – as well as his genuine caring for us and our small issues. Each encounter is another layer of gift wrap,
reminding us how very blessed we are to have a person like this in our lives.
—-
Who is my Rabbi? I shan’t tell. He would never want to be publicly praised,
and I surely would never want to embarrass him.
But with this I’ll close: if you are fortunate enough to have a Rabbi
that fills the above criteria, please know that you have a precious treasure in
your midst.
And if you don’t, please know that
the quest to find one is possibly the most important one you’ll ever undertake.