Everyone’s talking about bnei mitzvah. Rabbinical students want to ban them. Kids are taking to youtube for cooler and more expensive invitations than you’ve ever dreamed of. Non-Jews want to inspire their kids by giving them some ceremony which seem to benefit no one but the party planners, photographers, and DJs.
And this might sound kind of funny coming from someone who helps people plan their kids’ rites of passage, but I think most Jews on this planet, or I should say, in North America, make far too big of a deal about this without even knowing what the ceremony is or isn’t supposed to celebrate.
On this thread, where a friend of mine gave some tips as far as what to give as gifts, I responded such:
You wrote: “a celebration of achievement. It is a spiritual rite of
passage that connects one generation to another.” I would demur. I
think it’s a celebration of arrival through an entryway. An entryway to
life as a responsible Jew. The “achievement” hasn’t actually happened
yet, and a child becomes bar or bat mitzvah when they have their
(Hebrew) birthday on the thirteenth (for girls twelfth) birthday of
their lives – this is an upgrade in spiritual status, that, according to
the Jewish sources, takes place whether they are reading from the
Torah, vacationing in St. Martin, asleep, or converted out. It happens
to you. How you celebrate it is entirely optional and has varied
greatly by community and history.
I recognize that this is radically different from how most Jews think about bnei mitzvah, but it’s what the sources say.
What do most American kids think? That you have to go to Hebrew school for (fill in the blank) years, to learn Hebrew, so that you can read from the Torah, so that you can have a party like your friends and get lots of gifts.
Wrong, wrong, and wrong. My dear American Jewish children:
1. You don’t have to go to Hebrew school.
2. You don’t have to learn Hebrew.
3. You most certainly do not have to read from the Torah.
4. You do not deserve a party for that dubious accomplishment or any other for that matter.
So what do you have to do?
1. Learn about Judaism from whichever source will inspire you most to live it, love it, breathe it, and understand it.
2. Learn how to talk to God in your own words.
3. Acknowledge in some way that the day you turn 12 or 13 is special because you are now autonomously responsible to live Jewishly.
4. Thank your parents for giving you all of the above.
Shall I tell you why I feel so strongly about this?
1. Going to Hebrew school to learn Hebrew reading, a skill that many kids will never use again soon enough to matter, often makes them hate Judaism.
2. Kids are so entitled and spoiled as it is, that we don’t need to feed the frenzy by offering them a mini-wedding (which actually deifies them far more than a wedding) for “performing” in Hebrew.
3. And of course, the problem everyone, including me, is struggling with: how to keep kids engaged once the carrot is consumed off the stick (you can’t use your gifts? won’t get your album? unless you keep studying Judaism?).
What’s the solution? Haha, if I could put that in a paragraph I’d be a wealthy woman. Of course there are no easy solutions. The way most North American congregations have evolved, they are often bnei mitzvah factories. Where else are dues coming from? But I am not here to solve the problem of congregational survival. I am here to solve the problem of bored, spoiled, disconnected kids. And parents, this is in YOUR HANDS.
Take back control. Stop feeding the cycle. Say “no” to crazy parties, to multiple thousands of dollars going, yes, down the drain, to ridiculous senses of entitlement among our kids who still think they deserve who-knows-what. If you really want your child to be “affiliated” as a Jew, find good role models in Judaism for your kids, and make sure they hang out with your kids as often and as enjoyably as possible. Don’t be afraid to talk about God as though He actually exists. Bring Judaism into your home as a living, breathing religion.
Mostly, find ways to engage in Jewish study yourself and demonstrate to your kids that Jewish learning never stops. “If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself
in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise, they
will not themselves study Torah but will simply instruct their
children to do so” (Rabbi Menahem Mendel of Kotzk).
And then we’ll be up to the grandkids’ bnei mitzvah. I wonder what those will look like.
Would a family be ostracized for not having their child do the Hebrew reading for a Bar Mitzvah? What do they do in your shul?
The child can read from the Torah, or not. Totally optional.
Can boys and girls (or men and women, maybe you do these for adults too) both read from the Torah at JFX?
I think the key phrase in this post may be "without even knowing what the ceremony is or isn't supposed to celebrate." Everything else hinges on this. How can you plan an event without knowing what its purpose is? It would be like preparing for your wedding without realizing that you're getting married.
As you've probably guessed, I'm not here to talk about the religion part.
My radical view is that these American "rites of passage" are extremely important as family events. I know first hand from many people (Orthodox and non-Orthodox) who speak about how special it is when families gather for bar or bat mitvah celebrations. Often there are grandparents or great-grandparents who may not be able to share in these celebrations much longer. The family gatherings are extremely important in order to express family love and continuity.
In fact (I'm being slightly facetious), why make a big celebration for a wedding? We know that the divorce rate is high, even among the Orthodox. We should really have a small ceremony for a wedding and a big, huge party on the 10th or 20th or 25th wedding anniversary. But no one would (or should) seriously entertains that idea.
(My issue is that a celebration should be tasteful. Among the non-Orthodox, they sometimes aren't. Among the Orthodox, they tend to be more tasteful, but often there's too much pressure on the bar mitzvah boy. And often an Orthodox girl gets the message that her bat mitzvah isn't really important at all, when her celebration is given short shrift compared to her brother's).
Can't you have a meaningful bar/bat mitzvah and still have the whole extended family come?
Of course. I'm just explaining that those "meaningless" celebrations aren't as meaningless as outsiders think.
Just to be clear on the yichus: Jor-el is Superman's father from the planet Krypton.
love it! coming from israel i couldn't fathom why someone would have a sports theme or any other secular theme while celebrating the new role a boy takes on as being obligated in Mitzvos…thank you for reminding us!
DG-it's EXACTLY like planning a wedding without realizing you're getting married. That's what it's been reduced to..a sad sign of the times:(
Part I: I must respectfully disagree. I think you are responding to what little you see and what is published in various online sources, rather than what is actually on the ground happening in non-Orthodox Jewish America. *One* rabbi's opinion (Patrick Aleph) does not a movement make. Here is my response to what you wrote:
——-
1. You don't have to go to Hebrew school.
BUT A WEEK IN AND WEEK OUT COMMITMENT TO LEARNING ABOUT OUR RELIGION PROVIDES CONTINUITY AND COMMUNICATES A COMMITMENT TO OUR PEOPLE AND TRADITIONS.
2. You don't have to learn Hebrew.
BUT, ALTHOUGH YOU CAN TALK TO GOD IN ANY LANGUAGE, HEBREW IS THE LANGUAGE OF OUR HISTORY AND TRADITION, AND IMPORTANT TO LEARN EVEN A LITTLE BIT FOR THAT REASON, WHICH IS WHY OUR PRAYER BOOKS ARE IN *BOTH* LANGUAGES.
3. You most certainly do not have to read from the Torah.
BUT IT IS A MITZVAH, A RITE OF PASSAGE, AN HONOR, AND SOURCE OF PRIDE AND ACCOMPLISHMENT.
4. You do not deserve a party for that dubious accomplishment or any other for that matter.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CELEBRATING A RITE OF PASSAGE WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. READING TORAH FOR THE FIRST TIME IS NOT A "DUBIOUS" ACCOMPLISHMENT. IT IS AN ACTUAL ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT ONE HAS WORKED HARD TOWARDS ACHIEVING.
So what do you have to do?
1. Learn about Judaism from whichever source will inspire you most to live it, love it, breathe it, and understand it.
AND IT IS OUR CHALLENGE AND RESPONSIBILITY AS PARENTS AND EDUCATORS TO BRING THIS HOME AND INSPIRE THE PEOPLE AROUND US TO BRING IT INTO THEIR HOMES.
2. Learn how to talk to God in your own words.
AND LEARN ABOUT THE LANGUAGE IN WHICH OUR ANCESTORS SPOKE TO GOD, AND THUS BE CONNECTED TO GOD AND OUR PEOPLE ON AN EVEN DEEPER LEVEL.
3. Acknowledge in some way that the day you turn 12 or 13 is special because you are now autonomously responsible to live Jewishly.
AND, AS IS THE CUSTOM IN MOST OF OUR COMMUNITIES, WE ACKNOWLEDGE IT PUBLICLY, SHEPING NACHES WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
4. Thank your parents for giving you all of the above.
ABSOLUTELY 🙂
——
Part II in the next comment – Blogger won't let me post the whole thing at once.
Learning Hebrew is fine as long as it doesn't alienate. Learning Judaism is imperative. Reading from the Torah is a nice idea, but it's not what makes you a bar/bat mitzvah, as many erroneously believe. It's optional. Celebrating publicly is wonderful – in a way that enhances, rather than distracts, from the true meaning of the day.
True – but for many people outside of your community it is a centerpiece, and they are connected to Torah permanently, in positive and wonderful ways.
"It" meaning which component exactly? And I'm part of multiple communities 🙂
The Torah reading part.
Part II:
Having now spent the last 4 months visiting Jewish communities across the US, both big and tiny and everything in between, I can say that Hebrew school, religious school, and learning how to read from the Torah is a huge point of pride and accomplishment for many, many people – for the positive. For many, Religious school and Hebrew school are the only connections they have to other Jews in their very-not-Jewish communities. It becomes a gathering place, and time for Jews to connect with one another and our faith and tradition, an oasis in their sea of a secular world. I can also say that the majority of congregations we visited are NOT "bnei mitzvah factories". It is an affront to the hard working leaders, clergy, and teachers of those shuls to dismiss them as such (as you do when you write, "The way most North Americans congregations have evolved, they are often bnei mitzvah factories. Where else are dues coming from?").
Addressing the celebrations: IMO it is a time to celebrate. I recently read, with joy, how a colleague and friend of ours celebrated her son's turning 13 by treating his classmates to a lovely breakfast after his inaugural leading of minyan. Did he "deserve" that celebration with his friends? I think that word implies a judgement I'm not ready to make about a 13 year old. I think he's a lovely boy whom his parents and friends were celebrating. Nothing wrong with that. Naches is what it is. I have been to so many lovely, down-to-earth, celebrations of all forms in many different communities.
Is it a wedding? Of course not!. Over the top is not exclusive to one particular community. I've been to obscene non-Orthodox Bar/Bat mitzvahs, and I have been to many an Orthodox Bar Mitzvah cholent kiddush that rivals in opulence the finest catered non-Orthodox event. I have been to any number of Orthodox Bat Mitzvahs that equal or surpass the celebrations you decry, some of which included secular themes with high-heeled-shoe shaped cookies and 'girly' themed cupcakes (Nechoma mentioned secular themes in her comment above). So no one community has cornered the market there.
Is this post aimed at non-Orthodox Jews? Since you single out Hebrew school, to which the majority of Orthodox Jews do not send their kids, I'm assuming that is to whom, for the most part, you directed this post. I am also pretty sure that the majority of parents in your community do, in fact, think their kids need to learn Hebrew, and that learning to leyn is important, not to mention davening, which is, of course, all in Hebrew. Our families want the same for their kids, albeit in a different way.
The majority of people I know, which is a lot, not only find this process meaningful, but are inspired to continue both their learning and their children's learning because of the experience. They ARE "bringing it into their homes as a living, breathing religion" and they are learning Torah with and next to their kids. And Kol haKavod to them.
I sadly include JFX in the factory category. People often join congregations because they "need" bnei mitzvah. I wish this weren't the case. I wish more people would join for spiritual enrichment and community.
Of COURSE it's a time to celebrate – but it's still a sad fact that many kids (of all denominations) feel entitled by that. It's a problem. The solution isn't to stop celebrating.
Yup, the Orthodox can also miss the boat here, for sure.
As far as the majority of people that you know, I too say kol hakavod. And this post does not apply to them. It applies to frustrated parents who are resentful about shelling out large amounts of money for a perceived "must-have" party.
So then don't shell it out. We don't. And we are a pretty public family. We davka did NOT have a cholent kiddush because it was more than we wanted to spend. Dairy was less expensive. Did lots of people expect us to have meat? Yup. Oh well 🙂 You can address the resentment and feelings of, let's call it what it is, peer pressure, without throwing the proverbial baby out with the proverbial bath water, which I KNOW was not your intention. But that is how it comes across.
While I agree with what Ruchi wrote here, as the mother of four girls and no boys I am coming at this topic from the opposite starting point. As Tesyaa alluded to, bat mitzvahs are minimized to the point of meaninglessness in my community. In fact, my daughters' Ortho day school has a document reviewing appropriate bar/bat mitzvah celebrations. The parents of boys are told (similar to this post) to focus on the content, that this is about acknowledging the beginning of religious obligation and to keep the party simple. All fine with me. But then the parents of girls are told that it is inappropriate to have a party that extends beyond the immediate family and classmates, that a bat mitzvah should really be viewed as a slightly nicer birthday party.
Excuse me?? My [hypothetical] son should be welcomed into the community and celebrated for reaching the age of religious responsibility, but my daughters do not merit the same celebration? Are they not also accepting responsibility for their actions, a life pursuing mitzvot and Torah learning? I understand that their responsibilities are more individual and less public, but does that make them less worthy of recognition by family and friends? Why shouldn't they have a send-off into the world of adulthood as their male peers receive?
My ex-H and I worked very hard to give our daughters meaningful celebrations, despite flying in the face of our community norms. While some of their friends were having over-the-top hotel parties with DJs, multiple outfits in one evening, and not a single dvar torah, and others were having simple backyard birthday parties with perhaps a short talk about the parsha, we aimed for a middle ground. My feeling was that if a boy can spend months preparing and devoting time to this effort, so can a girl. Each of our daughters chose a chesed project that was personally meaningful and spent most of a year working on it. We then had a very nice party (including caterer and musician) for classmates, friends, and relatives who flew in from around the world. (My former MIL and family live in Israel). Each daughter gave a lengthy talk about her project, why she chose it, how it related to Jewish values and texts, etc. I also gave a dvar torah, focusing on my daughter and her qualities, giving her a message about what we expected from her as a Jewish girl growing into her own obligations.
A bar or bat mitzvah should not be defined by the "theme", the amount of food, or the amount of money spent. But neither should it be dismissed as an insignificant event. My daughters will always remember their bat mitzvah weekends, the many lessons learned during the course of a year long chessed project, and that their parents and relatives consider a 12th birthday more than just another excuse to eat cake and get presents. (And yeah, bringing the family together to spend a Shabbat together — Ortho and non-Ortho, from near and far — makes it memorable and cherished as well.)
Kudos to you Miriambyk! Sounds like a meaningful experience for all.
Beautiful!
Hi Chava,
Thanks for visiting. I, too, love watching the generations interact with joy and love, even at celebrations that are not my taste. My concern is where the big party overshadows all else. Yup, kids can plan intensely and not get it. I hear this from parents all the time.
Incidentally, I am an equal opportunity critic. I think lots of Orthodox bnei mitzvah are over the top too and give the child the wrong message.
Hope you won't judge the blog by this one post, but will see what else is here.
Chava, I would encourage you to read Ruchi's archives – I'm sure you are an open-minded gal, and Ruchi has a lot to offer here on this blog – I even wrote a guest post a while ago!
Your points are well taken, however. I know Ruchi, and she is not a judgey-type person. This post does not express well the frustrations she has which are not directed specifically at people who throw big parties, but at people who throw insane parties without giving thought to the meaning of what they are doing, and their kids reflect that. Which is not you, of course, it's not most of us who comment here and read her blog. I hope, Ruchi, you'll address that at some point. In the mean time, Chava, do check out the rest of her blog. I know there will be some stuff you will be interested in 🙂
A bar/bat mitzvah is certainly an occasion to celebrate. The question is what you are celebrating. It isn't a celebration of achievement; it's a celebration of new roles and responsibilities. It's traditional to demonstrate taking on those roles and responsibilities by giving a devar Torah and/or reading from the Torah, and of course these are achievements that deserve congratulations. A boy/girl who gives a cogent devar Torah is demonstrating that he/she is taking Torah study seriously. And I think the idea of a breakfast for the boy's classmates after he led the service for the first time is a beautiful idea.
As for Ruchi's "don't have to's," I agree that these things are not necessary in order to have a bar/bat mitzvah. But I also agree with therebbetzinrocks that Hebrew is important in Jewish life. If you can't read Hebrew, you're cut off from the sources of Jewish knowledge. The prayer book is almost entirely in Hebrew, and the other Jewish texts are in either Hebrew or Aramaic (which is also written in Hebrew letters). If you rely on transliterations and translations for everything, you're missing a tremendous amount. Learning to read Hebrew is really not that hard (I'm talking about sounding things out, not becoming fluent). It's phonetic and can be learned in a matter of hours (followed by regular practice or you'll forget it all).
I don't agree that the problem with Hebrew school is that they teach kids to read Hebrew. The problem is that it isn't taken seriously. The kids don't want to be there, and their parents just send them there to have some connection with Judaism but don't care if they actually learn anything. So of course it's an annoying waste of time that could be more enjoyably spent playing with their friends. And the solution to their not using their Hebrew reading skills again is to continue using them. But that means that the parents have to use them as well. Make Hebrew a part of your life, however small that part may be.
As for therebbetzinrocks's comment about Hebrew school, unfortunately, from what I've seen and heard, kids learn little about Judaism there and don't develop much of a commitment to Jewish tradition or the Jewish people. If it's people's only venue for contact with other Jews and with Judaism, I'm afraid their prospects for a lasting Jewish connection are dim.
I just wanted to bring up one point that has only been touched upon in the comments. I am the director of a Conservative religious school, so of course, I have a stake in this very sensitive subject. The point around teaching our children Hebrew really bugs me. I have seen many religious schools go the trendy route that abandons the old ways in favor of making sure that children have a positive experience. There is no focus upon skills – the primary goal is to make sure they love being Jewish.
In my school the children learn to decode Hebrew and we teach them comprehension skills, although I am the first to admit that with a paltry 4 hours a week, we are only marginally successful on the comprehension issue. Why do we bother? Because I want to make sure that these children have the foundational skills to be able to walk into a synagogue almost anywhere in the world and participate in a minyan. Because I want to make sure that when these children want to continue Jewish learning, that the decoding of Hebrew isn't a barrier, a barrier that I have seen that stops adults in their tracks from trying to learn more. I want these children to grow up to feel like insiders, not outsiders, in a Jewish community. As I have travelled a few different places in the world and attended synagogue, how amazingly cool to be able to sit down and participate, to have people around me look at me and know that I belong.
Do some children hate it? Of course. But most children appreciate being challenged, having goals, knowing that they are accomplishing things. Would they often rather be playing soccer. Sure. But most love the community it builds, the friends they make, and the skills they are learning.
BTW, no argument on the party issues. In my community parties are very reasonable but I have been to some horrid ones I agree that many are ridiculously over the top. But any chance to celebrate with family and friends in this digital age of disconnect it an opportunity not to be missed.
Thanks,
Susan
Excellent points! Jewish literacy is SO important.
I really appreciate your input, Susan. I could not agree with you more that Hebrew is extremely important in Judaism. But how/why/when did it become tied to bnei mitzvah?
Learning Hebrew became tied to bnei mitzvah when Hebrew afternoon schools went from approximately 2nd grade in public school until the child became a bar/bat mitzvah. For better or worse (hint: it was for worse) that was the interval in which a non-Orthodox Jewish child could expect (or be expected) to be educated Jewishly. So the question becomes how is this 4-6 hours/week, 9 month per year, 5 year time interval best spent? Some think Hebrew literacy is the most important thing, others think a knowledge to Jewish history, bible study, the cycle of holidays and the like are more important.
In my day the 3 day/week 6 hour afternoon Hebrew school was normal. I attended Junior Congregation every Shabbat, but that was not required.
10 years ago when I checked in with that shul's rabbi he said that they were unable to compete with the Reform shul's Hebrew school, which did 2 days per week, so they had to cut back to match.
Recently one of those 2 days per week became attendance at Shabbat services for the 'graduating' class and they still were getting clobbered by Chabad who required even less.
It appears that there is a very large market for people who want their kids to go through a bar or bat mitzvah, but don't care if they are Jewishly educated.
One more response – Ruchi, you raise an interesting question – how did these two things get tied together. Recently I had a very knowledgeable dad tell me he was thinking of changing synagogues because he was offended by the Bar Mitzvah factory that he thought he saw at my shul. When I explained my primary motivations he backed off – he had had a fabulous and comprehensive Jewish education and was a very skilled leyner but he thought our goals just focused on Bat Mitzvah. I don't know how or why or when the two became connected. Perhaps it has to do with the way we push our children to impress others so that we feel like we are viewed as good parents. We feel our child's "performance" reflects upon our own worth.
The better question, however, is whether having them connected is really a bad thing and what we really think we accomplish if we take the Hebrew out of the equation. What an interesting topic to explore. Thanks for raising it, Ruchi.
I'll be in your neck of the woods at a PD conference this summer at Case – maybe I'll run into you there 🙂
Yes. I'd love to see some study of long-term connection with those that did/didn't focus on the Hebrew reading primarily. I would LOVE to meet up. Please contact me when you're here!
Yes, yes and YES!!!! I hope this blog posting goes viral.
700 hits so far…
The heterodox educators in my home town are very discouraged by the competition from Chabad. Where the heterodox shuls require a minimum of 2 years of Hebrew School before bar mitzvah, the local Chabad says "No dues, no educational requirements, we'll teach your son his bar mitzvah portion and you're done." The net result has been shrinking population at the local Hebrew schools and decreasing Jewish literacy overall.
I'm not advocating a lack of education, but I don't think eligibility should be determined by time. If previously unaffiliated Jews become interested in getting more involved when their son is already 11, what exactly is the Chabad rabbi supposed to do? Tell them he's not eligible to celebrate his new status?
Consider two scenarios:
1. A 14-year-old goes to the rabbi and says, "I'd like to read from the Torah. Can you teach me how?" So the rabbi teaches him and when he's ready, the boy reads in shul.
2. A 12-year-old goes to the rabbi and says, "I'd like to read from the Torah as soon as I'm old enough. Can you teach me how?" So the rabbi tells him no, because if he did it might be thought of as a bar mitzvah.
Given the limited amount of time, I wouldn't encourage a 12-year-old with no Jewish education to read from the Torah on his 13th birthday. There are much bigger priorities, much more important things for him to learn. But he's going to turn 13 whether anyone likes it or not, and to refuse to recognize his new status with any sort of bar mitzvah celebration is a denial of reality, not a means of boosting Jewish literacy.
Why does Chabad make that offer? Do they think that the Torah-reading IS the Bar Mitzvah?
DG:
It is the case that when Hebrew schools in my community required a minimum of 2 years before their affiliated shul would let the child be bar/bat mitzvah'd there the overwhelming majority of Jews in the community sent their kids there. It is also the case that as soon as an alternative arose(a generation later), many parents took advantage of it and stopped sending their kids to Hebrew school.
Did the good (if any) that was done by the kids exposure to Hebrew school outweigh the harm done to the children who were denied bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies? First of all, I never heard of any such children, because while the local schools all held the line parents knew what the score was and conformed. OTOH, the fact that the parent who eagerly stopped sending their kids to Hebrew School as soon as there was an alternative were largely graduates of Hebrew School themselves seems to show attending Hebrew School didn't do a lot of good.
C and R shuls in my home town and surrounding communities are closing and/or merging because the new generation won't support them and the old generation is dying off. The younger posters here will see what comes next. I don't know what it will be, but it won't be the model I grew up with.
A non-Orthodox colleague of mine sent her children to a Chabad Hebrew school pre-batmitzvah, as did many of her neighbors. I understood from her that the cost was much, much cheaper than Reform and/or Conservative Hebrew schools in the area. What struck me, though, was the conversation she had with the Chabad staff when she first called to get information. "Are you an Orthodox school?" The Chabad representative replied that they were neither Orthodox, nor Conservative, nor Reform!
I think the 'congregation' that Ruchi co-founded is sort of the same, i.e. they don't identify the organization as Orthodox. In a way I guess it makes them more "traditional" because (as Ruchi reminds us) the designations O, C, R et al. are recent, and yet more open than self-identified Orthodox synagogues. I kind of like the subversive twist implied there.
SBW, what do you mean by "subversive twist"? I understand a group may not feel bound by modern denominational definitions, yet if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck… it's a duck.
It's more "traditional" to NOT call yourself Orthodox, so weirdly "truer" to the O idea of no changes to anything. And then I get the impression that Ruchi is "more O" than Modern Os, but her congregation is more inclusive-sounding. I guess it's more just ironic than subversive.
Larry, I remember a friend telling me (this was a generation ago) that her brother had his bar mitzvah in a Unitarian church (not during church services) because they didn't belong to a synagogue and therefore couldn't have it in one. I don't know what they did in this ceremony, who led it, or what kind of preparation he had beforehand, but it does show that not everyone conformed.
In any case, now that so many more Jews are both unaffiliated and less emotionally attached to Judaism, I think the approach has to be different. As you said, the old approach didn't work very well in the long run even then.
Larry, I assume that the synagogues made exceptions for kids who moved into the area less than 2 years before the bar/bat mitzvah. After all, you can't expect them to travel 4000 miles to their old Hebrew school on the other side of the country three times a week. But what if they lived in the same area but either they or the synagogue changed? Does that mean that once your oldest son is 11 or your oldest daughter is 10, you should be stuck in the synagogue you originally joined until all your kids are past 12/13 even if your religious views have changed, if the synagogue changed crucial policies, etc.? Are you suggesting that if a family changes from Reform to Orthodox, for instance, their kids should be forced to mark their bnei mitzvah in the Reform temple?
The waning of loyal religious attendance by families is, btw, also affecting churches. I can imagine that Protestant confirmation of teenagers is way down. So is it possible to see this more as a broad historical trend and less as a specifically Jewish one?
DG: exactly. SBW: I think MANY people people think the Torah reading is the bar mitzvah. This is what people mean when they ask me why Orthodox girls can't be bat mitzvahed.
http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2011/08/mythbusters-1-orthodox-girls-are-not.html
Larry, if you have any more info about when Hebrew reading from the Torah became a centerpiece, I'd love to know.
SBW and tesyaa: what Chabad and us have in common is, it's Orthodox people running a congregation for largely non-Orthodox people, following Orthodox rules in an open, broad fashion. It IS kinda beyond labels.
Yes, I am someone who never knew until this post that the bar/bat mitzvah is NOT ultimately a Torah-reading ceremony. But *Chabad* presumably already knows this, so why are they "clobbering" the R&C synagogues with less cumbersome prerequisites? If Larry is correct, it isn't much building their own congregation and isn't providing much education beyond the Torah portion.
Exactly that. Since they know it's not about that, they don't require it, so their prerequisites are less cumbersome. They are all about a wider approach to education.
I said that?
cheers
My son attended a charter school for two years out of mostly Jewish Day School through 8th grade. For 3rd grade, specifically, he was unable to be at our Conservative shul because he was getting some therapy and he was far ahead of their curriculum, so I sent him to Chabad so that the rigor would be there. I was very shocked, not that the education wasn't rigorous, but that the community was so unaffiliated. We'd spent all of our years with Judaism front and center in our priorities, but felt this was very different.
As far as Hebrew, I come from one of the most secular, ignorant backgrounds imaginable (my parents were both Survivors who refused to pass on their Judaism to their children) and I had to fight for every bit of knowledge I've ever had. After watching my children throughout their years of Jewish schooling and involvement I do believe that so much of it is done with a lack of understanding of what will appeal to the very soul of the child. God has to be on the curriculum – literally. Like, the teachers have to believe in and love Judaism. Maybe it would be impossible to get teachers like that but I know that, as their mother, I have been such a teacher for my children.
I've also been frustrated throughout the years with Hebrew either being taught as a second language or as unintelligible words to master for their B'nei Mitzvot, although I understand the sheer terror of the child, having been through both my children's. To me the teaching of Hebrew should begin with a little mysticism and the idea that God created the world by calling it into being with the Hebrew letters.
For me, coming from a background with no knowledge at all and so painstakingly acquired, the day that my second child became a Bat Mitzvah was an amazing day for me, not in that it ended anything. I believe that her education is now only beginning. But in that my children will never stand in a synagogue and not understand the ritual or the prayers, as I have. They will not open the prayer book the wrong way, as I once did; they will not sit when they're supposed to stand and stand when they're supposed to sit, all of which I have done. And they'll never have to say, as I have, that they never had a Jewish education or a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. They belong there in a way that I never can because I didn't grow up inside a shul.
Linda, thanks for this interesting viewpoint. Chabads differ vastly from community to community, depending on the demographic in which it exists. Again, the Orthodox/Chabad rabbi is running the show, but the majority of Chabad congregations are mostly comprised of otherwise unaffiliated Jews.
Again I reiterate how important it is to know Hebrew. I only question the timing, age, and context of its prominence in bnei mitzvah.
Way over in the nonobservant end here, I find myself both conflicted and apathetic when it comes to considering synagogue attendance. Reform feels familiar but annoying for silly reasons of my own. Anything else feels way too sincere and committed to me, hypocrite and skeptic that I am. I send my kids to moderately Jewish camp, though, which for me was also the only great Jewish experience I had as a kid.
Love your honestly. Many Jews agree with you, based on my experience.
I received an anonymous comment yesterday that I've been debating about whether to post. I was afraid it was worded in a way that was too insulting (although one could argue, so was the original post:). Anyway, here it is in modified form to retain the points without the invective:
I attended a big, expensive Bar Mitzvah where big, juicy shrimps were being served during the cocktail hour. It was a great party. Lots of family from different generations having a nice time together. And, yes, those occasions are few and far between and we need them. [comment here about inappropriate stuff going on between the boys and girls at the party]… how does this go together with having a connection with Judaism?
It depends on what else was a part of the Bar Mitzvah. Eating shrimp in and of itself does not mean the hosts have no connection with Judaism, just that they (and the majority of their guests) do not keep kosher. As for the behavior of teenage kids, that too does not negate a Jewish connection as much as a lack of chaperones.
I assume from the context that this party was devoid of any intrinsically Jewish content. My point is only that the details of a party, even if it seemed tasteless to some guests, don't really tell us what meaning it had for the hosts.
For some people "Jewish" is not about doctrinal content or even practice, it's precisely about solidarity with family, self-identification as Jewish, and some Jewish event to celebrate (whether bar mitzvah or seder or whatever). So the party was itself perhaps that family's connection to Judaism.
I agree with Should be Working about the party itself sounding like it was itself the family's connection to Judaism. But I wonder, how many generations more will this family consider itself to be Jewish if this is how deep the connection goes? I will guess, not too much longer.
Miriambyk-my thoughts on the shrimp are this: Judaism (the religion, not the culture) is first and foremost a connection to something higher than oneself and an acknowledgement that that "being" is what is controlling the world, not us. So if one is hosting a Jewish event and something so simple as not serving traif is either not considered or blatantly ignored, what kind of connection with God/Judaism does this family have? It might be a stretch by I see this as related.
It might not be an intentional thing, it might be for complete lack of understanding. But then, with a lack of any understanding, how many more generations can this family sustain a connection with Judiasm? Will this child who became a Bar Mitzvah at this party even think that marrying another Jew is important? I have a lot of questions as to where this kind of thing ends up in the longer run.
Never give up hope, Wendy! 52 years ago my parents had a shrimp cocktail wedding reception, with full understanding by my father's side that it was un-Jewish. (Such a thought would never have occurred to my mother's parents.) My parents started keeping kosher about ten years into the marriage. Today, all nine of their grandchildren attend (or graduated from) Jewish day schools.
P.S. My mother is currently looking for a publisher for her memoir about her journey from Classic Reform to Orthodox. If anyone has any connections to publishers out there, ask Ruchi to connect us!
"what kind of connection with God/Judaism does this family have?"
"It might not be an intentional thing, it might be for complete lack of understanding."
Way to dismiss, utterly, all non-Orthodox streams of Judaism.
It is explicitly NOT a tenet of Reform Judaism that the words of Torah, both written and oral, come direct and unfiltered from G-d Himself, without influence from the humans who were charged with writing them down. We believe, rather, that some of our traditions reflect the attitudes, prejudices, political agendas, etc., of the people who codified them, rather than the ultimate will of G-d. Therefore, choosing not to keep kosher (to answer the example you gave) does not necessarily constitute either a lack of understanding of Jewish tradition or a lack of connection with G-d and/or Judaism.
By the way, our Reform synagogue explicitly forbids the presence of treif on its premises and encourages its members holding events "off-campus" to do likewise there as well.
Are you saying that kashrut is not part of Jewish tradition?
Copied from the web…..
"What should we do about a party?
The bar/bat mitzvah party derives from the custom of serving a s'udat mitzvah ("meal celebrating the performance of a mitzvah"), which arose in the Middle Ages.As early as the thirteenth century, local Jewish communities were concerned thatsuch feasts might become ostentatious and wasteful displays of wealth, therebydetracting from the ceremony's religious significance. Accordingly, communityleaders often enacted formal legislation, strict guidelines, or special taxes to limitthe size and nature of these feasts.
While the custom of each congregational community most often dictates the form of bar/bat mitzvah parties, more Jewish families today invest the celebration with deeper Jewish feeling. Israeli dancing and singing, for example, as well as the giving of tzedakah, are evident more than ever. Jews love simchahs and celebrations with family and friends, and now that joy is being shared in ways that are ever more Jewish."
So, it looks like celebrating in a big way is nothing new. Maybe the problem really isn't a problem. Maybe it works!