I once had the honor of watching a Sesame Street episode where Kermit the Frog was interviewing the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. For those that don’t recall, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
I was curious, as was Kermit; how many children did she actually have? How many, in fact was TOO many?
As it turns out, 8.
Well.
I have 7.
So apparently I don’t have SUCH a big family.
How do I manage with my crew? I’ve been asked this many times. Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:
- In the various “Orthodox” circles where I travel, my family may be considered large, average, or “that’s a sneeze”. Some people reading this may be chuckling at the notion that I have a lot on my plate.
- I am one of 7 kids. So this feels normal to me.
- My husband is one of 8 kids… he and Kermit may have something to talk about.
- Did you ever notice that people think a “large family” is anything with more kids than they grew up with? Likewise, a “small” family would be… anything smaller than they grew up with. My, what an objective and scientific group us humans are.
- Since my sibs and sibs-in-law are all used to this, as are many of my friends, we are not a novelty or a curiosity. It’s considered normal for me to have a couple of friends’ kids or nieces/nephews for sleepovers or playdates; likewise, my kids would go over to friends, neighbors, or relatives even when they have a houseful. Multiple pregnancies, nursing moms, and childbirth are all part of the fabric of lives. We’re used to this and it’s part of the culture. This implicit and practical support is everything.
- I am the oldest girl and the second child in my family. My mom is a very smart woman, and guided us to help in a way that was empowering and also taught us responsibility, commitment, and selflessness. She let us help in ways that we wanted to by offering me choices (would you like to do the grocery shopping or bathe the kids?). Contrary to some media reports I’ve seen, this did not make me resentful, neurotic, un-religious, or give me an eating disorder. It made me a healthy, responsible member of society. Did I always want to help? NO. But the doing when I wasn’t in the mood helped me get out of the selfish zone that many teens live in.
- I loved my younger sisters and brothers. (Okay, my older brother too.) I sincerely was so excited each time my mother had another child. My kids are like this too. Once would be quite surprised at how kids in large families beg their folks to have more (assuming it’s a healthy household). When I had six, my kids were literally hounding me: When are you going to have another baby?? So they LOVE getting the baby after a nap, feeding her Cheerios, walking her in the stroller, and…. Well, the diaper changing is still mainly my and my husband’s job. J
- I hire paid help when I need to and I don’t consider it a luxury. We don’t go on expensive vacations, and I buy clothes on the cheap, but help in the home is a total priority. And I DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. Healthy mom, healthy kids. It’s that simple.
- My big kids totally help me (see #6). Sometimes they love doing it, and sometimes they don’t, but girls and boys alike help out with: cleaning up, laundry, grocery shopping, various gofer errands around the house, setting the table and clearing away, babysitting, and, yes, even diaper changing. Despite the effort this involves on my part, I am a firm believer that this is good for my kids (and for me). Some call it Pyramid Parenting. My husband and I are at the top, and we delegate to the younger ones to help out with the even-younger-ones. It needs to be done with sensitivity so the goal is accomplished without resentment and we need to constantly check ourselves that each child receives adequate attention and alone-time. Do I always succeed? No, but I think for the most part we do OK.
- I pray. As often as I can. For many things, but specifically, that God should help me be a good parent, gift me with the wisdom to make the right decisions for my kids and the strength to care for them as they need. For good health and good influences. That they might grow up to be spiritual, healthy in body and mind, to do good deeds, be good Jews, honest and upright, marry well, and be a credit to all.
- My husband and I are an absolute team. We share the load, whether that load is physical, job-related, kid-related, house-related. This is huge.
- Am I overwhelmed? Sometimes. Are parents of two kids ever overwhelmed? Are non-parents sometimes overwhelmed?? We all get overwhelmed sometimes. That’s OK. That’s just life.
And finally, Kermit, I’d like to say that I think we need to get this family into reality TV… An elderly octomom, the whole living in the shoe piece… would you say??
Your Mom is definitely inspiring, and smart. And when I look at all your sibs that I know, having a bigger family does not at all seem like a bad idea!
Its funny about the helping thing. I have only 2 kids, but both of my kids know pretty much all they need to know about running a house. The 15 year old boy could move into his own place and keep it running if he did not have to pay rent.
The 12 year old is behind because she is younger, but she will get there. I often have people envious of how agreeable my kids are about helping out, but they understand that if we both work full time, and we do so because they want luxuries like camp and jewish school, then they too must play their part. Especially now that my daughter is on a swim team 4 nights a week. I am out shlepping, so she knows she has to contribute because it's not like I am at home to do the things that need to get done when i am shlepping her around.
I think that teaching your kids life skills is just good parenting, whether it is helping out with sibs, or laundry or cooking, or groceries. I await next april with glee because my son will get his drivers permit, opening up a whole area of ways he can help out once he passes his drivers test!
I love your down-to-earth attitude about parenting. It gives me a lot of encouragement! I definitely get overwhelmed with my two little ones, but it's good to know that it's normal. 🙂
This and the last post were very beautifully written. I am very glad that you wrote about a woman's mental health as a consideration in raising large families. Also, it was good that everyone in the family helps out with the childrearing, including your husband and the boys. Please keep writing!
This is helpful and inspiring!!! I do wonder, living in a community where having more and more kids is the norm, what my kids will say when they're old enough to realize that's not on our agenda and they're not getting anymore siblings (ok, we're only 99% certain). Hopefully , like both of us (my husband and I are both only children) they'll just accept their lives as is and realize that big families are for some and small families are for others. I do hope that if they DO go to Jewish schools someday (IYH!) they don't get the pressure from other kids their age – "when are you going to have a baby in your family".
Your family is really a model for other families to emulate— every one of your kids is such a mentsch. Thanks for sharing how you make it all work!
Have you ever seen the show on TLC, 19 kids and counting? They are a religious (not Jewish!) family with 19 kids. Homeschooling. Their house is immaculate, they don't have any debt, and they never raise their voices. I just finished reading both their books and I'm still in awe. I've got 2 kids, a messy house, (time not spent with kids is time spent working) loads of debt, and when I'm not screaming because I DO try not to—- I'm DEFINITELY screaming in my head! 🙂
Ruchi,
This blog has become a real source of inspiration for me, as I'm sure it has for others. May Hashem grant you the time and strength to keep writing! Whether or not to hire outside help is such a common discussion among young moms. My husband often argues that he would rather just do what is left over in the house himself instead of paying for a cleaning lady/babysitter, etc. This would be great, but he works 13+ hour days and has two chavrusas. Any suggestions on how to convince him that hiring help is not the worst idea in the world? There is also a lot of guilt associated with the idea that we should be the super-balebuste who has a perfectly clean house with every chore accomplished AND work AND have a large family.
Schwevy: IMHO if you succeed in teaching your 2 kids life skills, that's an even greater accomplishment than teaching my 7 – because it takes more effort. Kudos to you!
Rivki: I'm so glad! My mother never pretended to be supermom and neither do I!
Sandra: my inspiration comes from my MIL, who raised six boys and two girls. The boys were needed and learned to clear and set the table, etc. It was definitely a huge selling point for me when I was dating my husband: that he was a such a mensch. When I teach my boys to help, I look at it that I am raising a husband for my future daughters-in-law, please God! Thanks for the encouraging words – they're my oxygen!
Heather: you're right – that is something your kids may bump into, and you'll just answer in the most honest and simple way. Hashem gives each person what they need and we are so lucky we have an Imma, an Abba, a brother, and a sister! Thanks for your kind words – they mean a lot to me. I have heard of the series and was fascinated. I will definitely check out the books – I didn't know there were books. Way cool.
Katie: The Torah itself references "your servant, your maidservant…" – obviously this must mean that there's nothing wrong with getting help. If it puts a strain on the finances and thus on the marriage, that's something that needs to be worked out, but PHILOSOPHICALLY there is nothing wrong with it at all.
I would say see if there's anywhere else you can cut to make room in the budget for this – it's enormous. NOBODY does everything alone, and if she does, she's manic-depressive, or will end up with a nervous breakdown. I am not exaggerating.
We do ourselves an enormous disservice with this unrealistic vision.
I once met a woman in Chicago who does a ton of chessed (community service). She single-handedly organizes weddings for immigrants, foster children, etc. I met her at one such wedding with her 10-year-old daughter and we were chatting; she asked her daughter, "Would you rather have a Mommy that makes weddings, or would you rather have a Mommy that stays home and makes chocolate-chip cookies?" This really stuck with me. You can't be both.
i have 3 children 2 are older and then the baby, they love to help her….