Is it normal
that when I say goodbye, a huge chunk of myself leaves with you?
Is it normal
that I’m happy, thrilled, relieved, excited, depressed, sad, confused, conflicted, all at the same time?
Is it normal
that I wondered for so many years what this moment would feel like, yet was utterly unprepared?
Is it normal
that I’m so fiercely proud of you for your independence, for your mistakes, for your successes?
Is it normal
to both overidentify and actively, consciously, choose to separate my emotions from yours
so that I can get through my day?
Is it normal
that you are a grownup now?
Is it normal
to get teary-eyed that your permanent address is elsewhere
but remain both thrilled and annoyed that you left your passport at home?
Is it normal
to feel that our house is so quiet
despite having multiple kids still living at home?
Is it normal
to cheer that eating out now costs less?
Is it normal
that I have no idea how to cook less?
Is it normal
that parenting you is a new and interesting endeavor
like a new haircut
that hasn’t quite settled yet?
Is it normal
how happy I am
for you
and for me
and for us
that we have all our happy childhood memories to fall back on
and the not-so-happy ones
because we’re normal
and the crazy ones
to laugh about?
It doesn’t feel normal.
But I suppose I’m not the first mother who has had to adjust
to having kids grow up
move out
make big-girl and big-boy choices
learn new things
share some things
mess up some things
fix up some things
and together we can talk about them
or not
and I can be
the proudest mother on the planet
even though
this is just
normal.
Is it normal to wonder if my own mother felt this way and to be sad that I can't ask her because she's gone?
Thanks for writing this- it helps me both look back and forward.
I left my passport at home?
Yes, honey.
Amen. It is normal. It is Good. כתיבה וחתימה טובה!
Beautiful.
If Os marry at 19-20 do they generally live on their own before that, or live with parents?
It really depends. In the modern Orthodox community it's much more common to do a gap year in Israel, then go on to college like secular peers. In non-MO Orthodox, it would typically (for girls) be a gap year in Israel, then home. Some girls move to NY to enhance their dating prospects. Boys who are in yeshiva are typically living in their dorms, some for high school already, but definitely post-high school. If they opt out of yeshiva, they may live at home, or room in NY or another city with friends while working and/or going to college.
may be worth mentioning that in Chassidic communities when girls and boys marry very young, it is typical to be living very close with parents and still be taken care of by way of meals and the like for the first year and in almost all orthodox communities to still go to parents for holidays for a while until too many kids make it impractical.
Yes, I was thinking how it must be for a 19-yr-old who has never lived away from home to suddenly manage a home. But I guess with big families there might be lots of "practice" with all the siblings and the organization needed to do that. (Noting that I am not at all a great manager of home and lived on my own for years before having a family…)
I'll just speak for myself. As the second of seven kids, I got used to grocery shopping for lots of people, bathing little kids, taking care of babies, and helping around the house. Getting married and managing a little home for two people without any little kids, was, in a way, easier. I had never responsible for cooking, though, so I found that part much harder to figure out. It was overwhelming in the beginning. Because of this I allow my kids from a young age to putter around the kitchen (even though it's harder for me) so they are used to cooking. Living on your own doesn't necessarily make it easier to live with a family. It might make it harder because you're used to having things your way. Living with roommates/housemates – yes.
Ruchi, I love this so much! It really hit home as I am trying to find my "normal" with two of my four children away at college and I feel "happy, thrilled, relieved, excited, depressed, sad, confused, conflicted, all at the same time" as well! Does it ever feel normal? The missing them terribly but being happy for them at the same time? I have yet to normalize it. But maybe this just IS the new normal. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words! Nina Badzin told me I would love your writing. And she was right! Happy New Year!