It seems nearly every quasi-affiliated Jew has been on the synagogue quest at some point in his life. And there are many factors that will go into making this match. Where are my friends? Who is the rabbi? How is the sermon? How often do I plan on going? Where is it geographically located? What are the dues? Where does my family go? Am I looking for Hebrew school? What is involved for bnei mitzvah?
But I’ve seen a huge chasm in what people are looking for and what they find, and when people begin learning about shul (which is Yiddish for synagogue) and prayer and what that all involves, they will often find themselves and their families in a huge quandary that even they themselves don’t really understand.
The way I see it, there are two ways to use shul.
#1: Shul is a place to come and be Jewish as a family. We come as a family. We sit as a family. How often we come depends on many things, but it’s a very important part of our Jewish expression to be there, in that Jewish space, doing Jewish things, as a Jewish family.
Also, it’s our Jewish community. With the rabbi/cantor as the leader, we, the flock (so to speak) are led, inspired, and are a family, supporting each other, attending one another’s simchas, and being Jewish together.
Having not grown up “using shul” in this way, I am not really qualified to determine what questions would be asked in this quest, so maybe you, my readers, can fill me in.
#2: Shul is a place to daven (pray). It is a place to talk to God. It is important not to bring young children who could disturb the main goal, which is to talk to God. Coming on time is important, because I don’t want to miss the opportunity to… talk to God.
The rabbi may or may not be my spiritual mentor; it’s OK if he’s not, because I can access spiritual mentors elsewhere. The other attendees may or may not be my Jewish community, which is OK, because I choose the shul based on my ability to pray effectively there. Those factors might include: do they start/end on time? Who leads the prayers – do I find it inspiring and a motivator to have more concentration in my prayers? Is there chit-chat during the service or do people understand why they are there? Is it slow or fast? Some people find that a faster clip makes it easier to concentrate and to remain a faithful (ha ha) attendee. Others find that a slower pace allows them to slow down and really get into it.
Is there a lot of singing? For some, it’s too long-winded (hello, ADHD). For others, it really sets their souls aloft, allowing them to be moved, sometimes even to tears, by the words and melodies. People tend to join in spontaneously and organically, with a layperson leading the service, as opposed to a designated, professional cantor, because everyone in the room is supposed to be talking to God, in his/her own conversation.
***
Many a family has been stuck because one member of the family is using shul in way #1 and the other, in way #2. Shuls, too, are often plagued by the rift, as some people bring young children to shul and others find it a distraction/annoyance. Some come early, others just for kiddush. Some want to pray, some come to schmooze. Is this a problem?
How do you use shul?
This is so funny…just change the word shul to church and it's similar to conversations Christians have 😀
Isn't that interesting? Ultimately, people are just people, huh?
Yep!
I would just like to reiterate that shul is not a playground. If children come, and their parents cannot control them, stay home. If I didn't want my davening disturbed I could have just davened at home. So please, again, small children = house arrest.
Apparently, I consider shul to be a place of prayer. For community life and shmoozing, invite people over.
You are a classic #2!
It's hard to invite that many people every week. Home meals are much better for smaller, more private, more in-depth interactions.
However, shul could be both, but not at the same time.
Morning time for praying, no chitchat, no loud kids. Then a social kiddush which lasts more than 15 min.
BY, do you know of shuls that incorporate both elements successfully?
I go to shul to be part of the community and the kids could sit and read or go outside and play with friends. Now my kids are teenagers and they entertain the younger kids. They might not come into the service very often but in their minds, shul is what you do on Saturdays, it's where you see your friends. If I only took them on solemn holiday, shul would be the boring place Mommy makes us go to and we hate it. Many many many Jews feel this way (substitute Grandma for Mommy). What good does that do anyone?
Way #1 doesn't necessarily implicate less frequent attendance. At all.
My bad…i meant #2.
If kids don't go to shul, how will they learn to behave in shul? If your rabbi is not your spiritual mentor, why choose that particular shul?
They can start going at 8, 9…or 11. It depends on the kid.
The shul might be chosen based on the davening (how the prayers are done). If it's a fit, great. I think everyone should have a rabbi/mentor, but that person doesn't HAVE to be the rabbi of your shul.
I know the above dynamic is extremely rare in the non-Orthodox world.
It surprises me that kids don't go until they are that old. I am so used to young children being in church in my world 🙂
One reason to choose a shul where the rabbi is your spiritual mentor is easier access to him. If the rabbi is employed by the shul, then being available to congregants is part of his job. Only if time permits can he be available to others. So you might join one shul for the sake of access to the rabbi, but pray in a different shul that you prefer (or join both if the dues aren't prohibitive).
Lots of kids younger that that show up at every shul I attend, Kelly. In some they are shunted off to kid appropriate activities/day care, but still wander into the services occasionally, in others they are in and out and running around outside unsupervised. It depends on the shul. I'm surprised the Ruchi thinks it is normal for kids not to come to shul before age 8, and urge her to clarify – do you mean they enter the building for other activies while their parents pray or do they literally stay at home on Shabbat and Yom Tov until age 8+?
DG, that is very true.
The question was, IF kids don't go to shul, how will they learn how to be in shul? My answer was, [even if they don't go while they're young] they can still start attending [as late as] 8, 9, or even 11 and learn just fine.
For example, one of my kids has a really hard sitting and did not want to attend shul, like, ever. We didn't push the issue. Now that he's almost 12, he has started attending regularly, with strategizing and motivating on our part, with the goal to be a steady attendee by bar mitzvah. Since he is in day school and learns lots of things (including how to be in minyan daily) at school, this works. A public school child would not have that luxury.
However, my younger kids (9 and 5) are perfectly fine going to shul. My nine-year-old davens (prays) beautifully in shul and my 5-year-old can sit nicely and read a book.
But.
I have a two-year-old. And shul is not the place for her right now (our shul doesn't have a kids' program, since most people use it in way #2 – except that it IS a community). So I usually come toward the end of davening, join for kiddush, kibbutz with my friends. My husband goes earlier, does his davening, and my younger kids either go with him, meet him there partway through, or walk with me later, depending on the week.
Most of the members of our shul do not bring very young kids until the end of davening.
Re: rabbi not necessarily of your shul:
http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2012/01/ask-rabbi.html?m=0
I commented on FB with this, but since there's a comment here about kids, I'll copy it here:
Regarding kids who are disruptive, is there a possibility of one room being a nursery? Different people can then sign up to have "nursery duty" on certain days so the children are always supervised. That is what we do in many churches because kids can be so distracting.
And added thoughts: I don't really know how it would work for you, because I don't know all of what is permitted or not. Can the kids play with toys? I know coloring wouldn't be allowed. Can the older kids read books to the younger ones? What do young kids typically do at home on Shabbos?
In my current church, kids up to age 2 can be in the nursery for the whole service. Kids who are 2-4 stay with their parents during the first half of the service and then go to their own kids' program during the "boring" sermon part 🙂 My 5 year old stays with us the whole time. Sometimes he colors, sometimes he plays with a toy, sometimes he falls asleep (and it's only a little over an hour long!).
This is an important point, because often parents lament that their congregation doesn't have a kid program. This may well be because attendee is using shul in way #1, and shul is more geared for way #2 folks. Here's where a little understanding can go a long way.
There are lots of synagogues with kids' programs though, and there are many Shabbat/holiday friendly activities they can do. A whole other issue is what that kids' program actually looks like. Some folks want it to be just like Sunday school, with actual teaching/service going on. Some are fine with babysitting. Then there are the kids who run wild…
The Conservative synagogues I've been to (less than 3) seem to have a very family-friendly feel that I really like. I like the kids running around and that everyone seems happy to have them there.
If davening is for #1-types the way to talk to God alone, why go to shul? Why not stay home and send the kids out somewhere? Or go to a park alone and daven? But I'm guessing there are rules like for minyans that it needs to be a group.
You know…if there are parents want there to be a kids' program where one doesn't exist, then they could take it upon themselves and start one, couldn't they? 😀
One of the reasons I was able to transition easily to full observance was that in my childhood (pre-bar mitzvah) I was active in my C shul's Junior Congregation. This was a kid run (with adult mentoring) abbreviated actual service (it ran from 10:30 until noon, when we joined the adults for kiddush). I learned to lead services there, as well as learning the 'normal' congregation melodies for the prayers. Many of my compatriots learned to read the Torah as well, although I did not. Tutoring in synagogue skills was available on a 'pay it forward' basis – when I was younger I stayed after for half an hour for one on one tutoring from an older kid to learn to lead the service, when I was older I stayed after for half an hour to teach younger kids one on one how to lead the service.
Dave (the adult leader) ran thing with a light hand, but was clearly in charge to resolve any disputes. He also told a story (what I would later learn to call a dvar torah) that was one of the big attractions of the service.
When I became more observant in my forties, all those skills were lying dormant and just needed to be brushed up, instead of having to start from scratch.
SBW, looking at this from the perspective of halacha, men are obligated in minyan in a way that women are not. Why this is is a topic I've already dealt with in other posts, but to answer your question, men go to shul because they need to/have to. Women don't, so in most Orthodox shuls, which are informed by halacha, the men's section is much fuller than the women's section.
So, yeah, I don't go to shul to daven – I daven at home. Or, if my kids need me, that is considered a greater spiritual value than davening.
Kelly: if every member that had a gripe would step up to the plate and do something about it, this world would be a radically different place.
Larry: I have seen just this dynamic. Substitute "Jewish camp" for junior congregation and you have a nice foundation too (although of course camp is a small blip in the year).
Since my DH does not want to go to shul with me on Shabbat I guess I am a number #2. But what about my daughter? I would like her to have some sort of Shabbat experience even though she is only 21 months. But most of the shuls here don't have any sort of babysitting. And if they have babysitting it is just that, no Jewish programming just somebody watching the children. And when I have gone to shul on a "regular" Shabbat NOBODY has said hello to me or made me feel welcome. So, what's a nice Jewish mama to do.
I don't think shul is much of a "Shabbat experience" for a child that young. She'd be bored stiff. Maybe you could ask people for advice on how to introduce a Shabbat feeling at home where a toddler would absorb it.
As for being ignored in shul, it's probably not unfriendliness. More likely it's an unfortunate combination of introverts who don't know you'd like to be welcomed, insecure people who don't think you'd like to be welcomed by them, hurried and harried people who don't have the peace of mind to welcome you, occasional attendees who don't even know you're new, etc. But I agree it's unpleasant and offputting. So on behalf of all of us shy people, I'd like to tell everyone how much of a difference a smile and a "Shabbat shalom" can make.
Sidra, you raise a number of issues. One is marginalization when arriving sans spouse/family. The other is a lack of kids' program: is your shul more of way #2 shul? As far as Jewish programming, it is very hard to keep kids interested in that, not saying it can't be done.
And there is just no excuse for lack of warmth or welcoming in a shul, although it is a painful reality at times. I'm really sorry that this was your experience. Sometimes people are just not paying attention.
YES, DG. Thanks for putting it so well. And for the benefit of the doubt.
I don't really know the shuls well enough to know which are #1s and which are #2s. I realize my daughter is not getting much out of being in shul (and she could possibly be disturbing to others) so that is why babysitting/children's programming) is important to me. I could go to shul by myself but my personality is not inclined to do that. My daughter is my "way in." Also, I would like to get my DH to shul so when I come home and tell him that nobody was friendly to me that is not going to make him more likely to join me the next time. I'll admit it, I could use some hand-holding here.
Sidra, maybe one of the shuls near you has a "Tot Shabbat". Or maybe you want Orthodox and they don't have any of that, I don't know. But some years ago I did bring my then-toddler to some 6pm Tot Shabbat "services" (story reading, singing, discussing, tot-friendly kiddush) and it was great. I think a few were Reform and one was Conservative. Then you could go alone to your own service later?
We have been to one Friday night Tot Shabbat and it was bleh. I have taken my daughter to a Shabbat morning program called Shabbat Katan. I like the leader of the program and the program itself. However, the shul where it is held is definitely not one we are interested in for long-term. The only reason I go is because of the Shabbat Katan program.
Sidra, let me ask you a question. Why did you choose the shul you currently attend?
Ruchi – I have been shul-shopping. There is not a shul about which I would currently say "this is my shul."
Are the two really mutually exclusive? Why wouldn't you want to talk to God in a place where the sense of community and inspiring rabbi make you feel comfortable?
In a perfect world, that would all line up. But sometimes it just doesn't. Where we lived until three years ago, our shul had the mentor/rabbi and the davening that we liked, but it wasn't a community. Now we moved 2.5 miles away. The previous rabbi is still our mentor but we don't daven in his shul anymore (because we're not walking that far to go to shul each week). Our new shul has community and the davening we like, and the rabbi there is lovely, but our life-mentor is still previous rabbi.
I like it when people bring kids to shul, and I don't care if the kids make noise. I can also tune out conversations between adults and they don't bother me.
I like layperson-led prayer services but I want the person who reads Torah to be knowledgeable and able to read without coaching from others.
It's great that you can tune all that out. On the one hand, it is a sign of life and vitality when kids are in shul. But at what expense?
Re: Torah reader, this is the opposition some have to bnei mitzvah reading from the Torah.
wait . . . some people are opposed to bnei mitzvah reading from Torah? seriously?
Yup. Seriously. Because they often make a lot of mistakes and the validity of the reading becomes questionable.
Oh.
Without a nursery, those who hold view # 2 are largely barred from attending shul if they have young children. Particularly in an environment with separate seating, a mother cannot run into the men's section and pull out a disruptive preschooler.
On weekdays, what affects my husband's choice of shul is starting time for minyan and which shul is the closest to where he is. This leads to a situation where there is little loyalty–and where all three Shabbos services (Kabbalas Shabbos, Shacharis, and Mincha) are davened in different places.
Those shuls that tend to hold view #1 try to be family friendly, with more events geared to families. My shul has working youth groups and a nursery. There are a number of events such as family nights, parent-child learning programs, sukkah hopping, and bingo games for kids.
Personally, since I grew up more #2-y, I crave #1. That's why I'm glad my shul is more community-minded (Purim parties, etc). And the JFX community we've cultivated is definitely both, although we also have those that are much more #1, and those that are much more #2, and yes, sometimes it feels mutually exclusive.
The loyalty thing is an issue. I know particularly in NY, this is a problem.
As far as your first point, I usually just come for kiddush. But not all #2 shuls have a kiddush each week. Again, since mine is more community-minded, it's important. At JFX shul events, the kiddush is a significant part of the service, since virtually everyone is coming from a #1 mentality.
I grew up #1 and now am very #2. But I'm pretty much barred from attending shul because even though my twins are now already 5, they're still not ready to sit through any part of davening nor do I have the ability to take them by myself, say, just to the end of davening. But I get to go to megillah reading because hubby rushes home from reading 1 and I go to reading 2. I get to go to 20 minutes or so of simchas Torah dancing because hubby goes to early davening and comes home and helps me go shul hopping with the twins for a bit. But it's hard because I don't get to go for any of Rosh HaShanah, Yom Kippur, a normal Shabbos. I wouldn't mind a babysitting program, but in the teeny tiny #2 type shuls in our neighborhood, there's no room for them even if there are moms willing to run them. And further, my kids have lots of behavioral special needs barring them from attending a typical babysitting program (the first time my son bites someone that would be it for me trying to daven in the next room over). So these days Shabbos/Yom Tov isn't about the davening for me. It's about the quality time with my kids— reading books, making up silly games, cuddling, playing pretend with the stuffed animals, etc. I used to be able to take them for a walk by myself when my husband was in shul but that was before the behaviors got severe enough that to walk with them I need hubby's help. And that was when they fit into a double stroller.