Hi dearest readers,
Firstly allow me to say thank you for reading my blog and for all your positive feedback.
Secondly, I need your help. I’d like to do a series on “What would you like Orthodox Jews to know about you?” and “What would you like non-Orthodox Jews to know about you?”
Can you submit any tidbits?
If so please either post below, or email me at Ruchi@jewishfamilyexperience.org.
Firstly allow me to say thank you for reading my blog and for all your positive feedback.
Secondly, I need your help. I’d like to do a series on “What would you like Orthodox Jews to know about you?” and “What would you like non-Orthodox Jews to know about you?”
Can you submit any tidbits?
If so please either post below, or email me at Ruchi@jewishfamilyexperience.org.
Thanks!
Shavua tov! Gut voch!
Wow – I think I have a huge list.
To my friend, Marsha, from when I was a young child: Yes, I really AM Jewish, even if I don't practice as you do.
To members of my greater Jewish community who daven in a modern Orthodox synagogue and send their children to the same day school that many of us in the Conservative shul send our children to: when you come to celebrate a bar/bat mitzvah in my synagogue, could you please open a siddur and participate with us, as we do when we come to your synagogue? Would it be that horrible to put on a tallit? We consider it a proper and valuable service and it is important to us. When we come to your synagogue, we follow your rules respectfully. When you come to our synagogue, can you give us the same courtesy?
I may not be Orthodox, but I pray, I talk to Hashem, and I follow halacha, even though my rabbi and movement interprets it differently than you do.
And lastly, there is room for all of us here in the world of Judaism. I am delighted that there are so many ways to celebrate Judaism – different paths for each of us. I may disagree with some of the movements and how they reach out to Hashem, but I don't get to be the judge of the legitimacy of their practice.
I really am Jewish – really!
As an orthodox woman involved in outreach/Jewish education, the one thing that I wish my non-Orthodox friends would know is how much I respect and admire some of their life choices, behavior and beautiful character, in spite of our different lifestyles. They are wonderful role models to their children and community, and we are so grateful to have them as friends.
I guess I'd like people to know that not all Orthodox Jews look a certain way. Not all of us grew up frum and some of us are even converts. We each have our own unique personality and find ways of expressing it within the constraints of halacha.
I'd also like people to know that just because we may dress a certain way or observe mitzvot differently, doesn't mean we aren't warm and friendly and open to others from different movements with different perspectives.
A Conservative Convert’s Letter to Orthodox Jews
Ami,
I am madly, deeply, passionately in love with my new Jewish soul, the heritage of my people, and the Yoke of my G-d, our G-d. My mikvah dunk is one of my most treasured moments in life. After 15 years of thinking religion is stupid, Judaism changed my life.
But I understand that my Judaism is not your Judaism. And that I do things differently. And honestly, I really think that’s okay and I hope you do, too.
I love your Judaism. The world without your communities is not one I want to live in. The only reason I don’t make more frequent visits is because I feel like a fish out of water. I have no idea if I’m breaking one of your customs when I do the Judaism that gave me spirit and color in my life. I’m so afraid of unintentionally making you cringe though.
I understand as a woman that I don’t count in your minyan, and that even if I were a man, I wouldn’t either because of my bet din. S’okay, I have my standards for minyan counting, too.
But please, don’t ask me to be your Shabbos goy. That’s my Sabbath, too.
I understand why you believe in your geirus standards as you do. I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t get married or buried in Israel, or that if my child and yours should meet and fall in love in the future, that it is mine that will have the extra onus, not yours.
But please, don’t tell me I’m not Jewish or not a Jew. At least not to my face. Wait till I leave the room. And please don’t call me a zonah. Or even a shiksa. I’m not either of those things. And those words hurt.
I may accept different hechshers than you, but my kashrut observance is still important to me.
Please don't accuse me of learning to cook "Jewish food" just so I can successfully steal one of your precious sons and convert him to the dark side. Really, I ask you because I know I can learn so much from you.
Kol tuv,
Nataliah bat Avraham Aveinu v’Sarah Imeinu
Nataliah/mikvahbound, are your comments arising from personal experience? If so, I am horrified. In either case, thank you for sharing and welcome to OOTOB.
Ruchi,
I'm really, really happy to have found your blog! I love what you're doing here and have already learned a lot from you and your followers.
As to my earlier post, they are from personal experience, unfortunately. The vast majority of Orthodox Jews I've met have been nothing but nice and amazing. We have our differences and we respectfully meet half way whenever possible. It's always those few bad apples that shock themselves into your memory with an audacious, "Did that REALLY just happen?" I wrote only because those things should (obviously) not happen and well, apparently that does need to be said to a token few.
And to be fair, I could EASILY write a letter to my fellow Conservative (and Reform) Jews in a similar nature but with very different issues.
Keep up the good work!
Nataliah
Thanks, Nataliah, for your kind words. I've read parts of your blog and am really impressed. May we all learn from one another to improve our actions and increase peace.
What Nataliah said. Also, as a Conservative convert, I'd like people to know that I didn't choose a Conservative conversion because I'm lazy, or because I don't intend to follow halacha or because I don't think halacha is binding. I chose a Conservative conversion because my understanding of G-d and the way halacha changes matches the Conservative ethos more closely than the Orthodox.
In the same vein, and this would be directed to all Jews, when someone talks about the movement through which they'll convert, please don't say, "Well, you should really just do what you have to do to get an Orthodox conversion. Everyone will accept you then." For one thing, no, they won't- there will always be someone ready, willing and probably eager to question the validity of your conversion, no matter how frum your beit din was. For another, I know where I stand on questions of Hashem and the transmission of the Torah and the like, and it doesn't mesh with what an Orthodox beit din would expect me to swear to upon conversion. I'm not interested in beginning my life as a Jew with a lie, and while I think (I hope) most of this advice is well-intentioned, it's not helpful. People who just convert Orthodox "so everyone will accept [them]" is part of what's causing so much heartache for sincere Orthodox converts these days, and I'm not going to participate in that, thanks.
Also, on the subject of referring to non-Orthodox people as "not observant" or "secular" or some variation thereof, could we maybe just stick to "non-Orthodox"? Because I certainly don't fall into the "secular" category, and I don't think I fall into the "not observant" category, either (I mean, I daven daily, attend daily minyan when I'm in the States, keep kosher to the extent that I'm able while living in China and hope to grow in that area, observe Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, et cetera), and I have a number of friends who would be considered Orthodox themselves, but for the fact that they choose to daven at a Conservative synagogue. They're not all that uncommon in that regard, either. We're not "secular," and while our understanding of halacha is different than yours (this includes Reform Jews, too), it comes across as dismissive and occasionally condescending to hear people say again and again, "Well, the secular Jews," or "People who aren't observant, like Conservative and Reform Jews…." Personally, I much prefer "non-Orthodox," because that's accurate, in most cases. Though really, labels in general are limiting, so….
On a more positive note, I'd also like Orthodox people to know that I have good friends and acquaintances who are frum and are some of the coolest, most interesting people I know. They've been nothing but supportive (at least outwardly) about the decisions I've made with regard to my conversion, and if they doubt its legitimacy, they've had the courtesy not to say so to my face. There are a lot of things that I admire and respect about Orthodoxy, and people like that are one of the reasons I want to grow in my observance; they challenge me (in different ways than the people of my own community do), and everyone needs that, I think. I'm glad, personally, that there are so many different flavors of Judaism from which to choose, even if that can prove frustrating, occasionally, for someone in my position.
And Ruchi, I think your blog is great, and I've really enjoyed reading through your archives. What you're trying to do is definitely a good thing, so my hat's off to you for that.
Shavua tov, all! Sorry this got so long!
Diplogeek, firstly, welcome to OOTOB and thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I am really impressed with your spiritual search and honesty. And thanks for your kind words!
Susan TBA, I know you posted quite awhile ago, but I just wanted to comment: yours is far from the first account I've heard about kids being very black-and-white in their perceptions of others. It can really hurt. The worst part, though, is when these perceptions never grow up and stay stuck in elementary school.
Anonymous and Redacted: I am so with you! Thanks for your comments!
I'd like orthodox Jews to know the following:
Not being Orthodox doesn't mean I don't have a lot of Jewish knowledge. I can understand the halachot and the sources and still not personally subscribe to Torah M'Sinai. Please don't treat me as if I'm Jewishly uneducated.
I love hosting people for yomtov and shabbatot, and I'm willing to bend over backwards to ensure that I can serve something kosher enough for you to eat in my home. Please look for ways to say "yes" rather than reasons to say "no".
I won't assume that you're ignorant of pop culture, television, and the media in general if you won't assume that I allow my kids unfettered access to all of those things and the messages they convey.
Our values and lifestyles have more in common than not.
I appreciate the things I've learned from my Orthodox friends, including the way my priorities have shifted after spending time in their homes. Thank you for showing me that there's always room for guests (even in a tiny apartment), kids don't need their own massive rooms to be happy, and babies (even "inconveniently timed" ones) are an absolute blessing. These insights have changed my life for the better.
I'd like to get to know you as your own person rather than lump you in with "all those frummies". Hopefully you'd like to do the same for me.
Whew, that felt good.
I could go on and on re this topic. But I will make only 1 comment. I am usually open about telling frum Jews that we are converts [ originally Reform, years later, halachically], and I almost never tell 'non-orthodox'[for you, Diplogeek] Jews [ and it is very rare that I would tell a non-Jew]. I have certainly had hurtful or thoughtless remarks from frum Jews in the past, but I feel that I am always seen as a Jew, whereas that has not been true many times with non-orthodox. [BTW, I don't always like labels either and I don't want to be hurtful, but I'm not sure about the orthodox and non-orthodox tags.There is something I don't like about them, but not sure what it is]. It can be difficult to field some questions about my background, or to smile politely when people tell me I don't look Jewish. Does anyone else feel this way?
SCJ, I know how cathartic it can be to say the things you want to say. That's part of why I started this blog: to provide just that forum.
Anonymous: I think what you're saying is that Orthodox Jews have viewed you as a Jew, whereas non-Orthodox Jews have not always?
Re: fielding questions about background, even those that have grown up Jewish but have changed observance levels (either ratched it up or down) find this uncomfortable. In fact, often when I sit among a group of friends, it occurs to me that many have tweaked their affiliation since childhood, whereas I have not. Therefore, I cannot personally relate to the discomfort, though I know it exists and can certainly understand it.
I am a very curious person and love people, so I find myself in the position sometimes of asking people questions about themselves in an attempt to get to know them, and sometimes pick up vibes to back down. Must be sensitive to this.