Uncategorized Archives - Page 47 of 59

Sparklers forming "15" with healing message.

Uncategorized December 21, 2011

The Formerly Orthodox: A Reader’s Response

In response to yesterday’s post about not judging those that have left Orthodoxy, a regular reader of mine emailed me this thoughtful response:

Ruchi, I truly enjoy your postings and I believe that your posting
on the formerly Orthodox is poignant in light of Chanukah (pun intended).

I
know more than one formerly Orthodox person who holds his upbringing as
responsible for his outcome – that is, not being Orthodox today. But
and yet, these formerly Orthodox people that I know still want (I would say even
cling to) certain aspects of Judaism that they cannot disengage from:
any invite to a Shabbat dinner they accept; lighting Chanukah candles
and saying their prayers, absolutely; hearing the shofar on Rosh
Hashanah, yes; putting on a kippah when going to a kosher restaurant
with friends.

I could go on and on, but suffice to say, I think we all
cling to tradition – Orthodox or not, just sometimes it’s fraught with
anxiety and other times, it’s very connected to prayer, spirituality,
and/or acceptance in a community.

I think that goes for all Jews, not
just formers or currents [formerly or currently Orthodox]. How often do the prayers we say slip away
and we’re just saying it by rote? As someone who became more observant
over time, I can easily imagine how easy it would be to slip and fall.

I
am lucky that I had an education that provided me with various
alternatives to practice within Judaism and the strength to practice as a
now Orthodox woman, who has very strong ties to my upbringing (my
ideology/philosophy on Judaism really reflects my upbringing yet is
mixed with the changes I have experienced over time). This, and what I
think is the most important (for me) was the ability to engage with
Judaism as an intellectual – it’s not just about doing, it’s about doing
with the knowledge of what I am doing with an awareness of where it has
come from.

We as a Jewish community need to provide, maintain and sustain a
support system for both Orthodox, non-Orthodox and formerly Orthodox
peoples to feel comfortable/confident as Jews and to be united in the
miracle that we begin celebrating at sundown tonight – that we are
strong when united and that Jewish practice cannot be taken away.

Like
what the other posters have said, lighting tonight reminds us, as it
should everyone, that no matter how we practice we (all Jews) are a
nation that are a light to the other nations – what any of us does
reflects/refracts back to everyone else.

Thank you Ruchi and Chag Chanukah Samaech [happy Chanukah] to you, your family and all your readers!

What do you say, readers? Agree? Disagree? Ideas? Is anything special being done in your community to provide that support system?

Happy Chanukah and thanks to all of you that are participating in these important conversations about Judaism!

Uncategorized December 20, 2011

Please Don’t Judge Me For Not Being Orthodox Anymore

Two weeks ago, I published a post entitled: The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox Person Knew. It went viral (well, for me) and hit 2000 views in 5 days – which totally took me by surprise!

One of the points I made was that Orthodox people should know that there is no insularity or privacy anymore, and that sometimes people who used to be Orthodox will post negative experiences that they have had, as will journalists, bloggers, etc. – that nothing we do is private, and that one should have a healthy respect and awareness for this phenomenon.

Ususally, when I receive an Anonymous comment, I get a pit in my stomach as I open the email, because Anonymous comments on a blog like this are often trolls/angry people/negative commenters.

Yet, this one was not, and here’s what Anonymous said:

“This is one of your best posts.

Also, Ruchi, when you think
critically of us “angry former Ortho-folk” try to imagine how you might
have ended up not only without the benefit of the three influences you
listed, but with all the drawbacks of the opposite influences.

It’s
wonderful to imagine that you would have come out unscathed, that you
would never look like us, but we all imagined that kind of stuff until
we got here too :)”

See my reply there, in the comments section, where I promised Anonymous a response.

And here it is.

Dear Anonymous,

Firstly, thank you for your kind words. I always appreciate positive feedback about this forum. I spend a lot of time ~~obsessing about this blog ad nauseum~~ thinking about this blog, so the idea that others are benefiting is absolutely what keeps it going.

Secondly, while I am not thinking critically of AFOF (angry former Ortho-folk), I AM thinking critically of those who believe that it is their right or mandate to publicly spread negative information about any other group of humankind.

I just read an article this week about a former skinhead, Tom Leyden, who now works with the Simon Weisenthal Center. He decries Jews who blast other kinds of Jews online, saying “neo-Nazis don’t care what kind of Jew you are” – and points out that bigots and supremacists use just such sites to collect ammo against Jews. Chilling: a skinhead has to remind us not to blast negativity about one another online.

That said, I turn to the end of your comment: that my experience was blessed, even charmed; that minus my charmed upbringing, there but for the grace of God go I.

True.

I speak often of judging, and I believe that humans can’t be judged, but actions and philosophies must be judged. I look at you, Anonymous, as a whole person. I don’t know if you are one of those folks who spreads bad stuff online. If you are, I fully disapprove of the practice. It is one of the awful-est things out there. But in any event, I know I cannot judge you. I can’t judge your pain; can’t judge your decision to leave Orthodoxy (and maybe subsequently re-embrace it, your own way?); can’t judge any experience that you had or temptation that you endured or agony that you lived through or disillusionment that you suffered. Because any way you slice it, it’s rarely about walking away from Orthodoxy to eat a cheeseburger. The journey is fraught with pain, disappointment and estrangement.

I think. What do I know?

What I DO want the world to know, and is a huge reason I started this blog, is that there are many, many Orthodox Jews who are happily living the life; who had positive experiences growing up and positive experiences with their parents; who are wonderful human beings; who love God and are in healthy marriages and are raising well-adjusted kids; who try to do good things and acts of kindness and pray for others. They don’t make a lot of noise, and the world may be oblivious to them, but I’d like that to end. I’d like for the world to sit up and take notice.

And, Anonymous, I don’t know if this will make you feel loved or annoyed, but they are praying for your well-being too…

As this post touches on sensitive issues, I’d like to remind my readers that comments that are angry, snide or negative will not be published.

Sparkling "15" with healing and dealing text.

Uncategorized December 18, 2011

Distractions: Updated

I don’t usually “mommy-blog,” nor is this post “Orthodox” or
even “Jewish.” But: so what?

I’ve always been a voracious reader, since early childhood –
getting out books by the dozen at the library, then losing myself for hours.

Now I’m a mother and have precious little time for such a
luxury. I’ve also become much more
selective about what I read. But I’ve discovered
something else about myself: every now and then I still need to escape the
household treadmill. And I get bored of
said treadmill very easily.

When my big kids were small, my escape involved talking to
friends and family on the phone or snatching a quick read while the kiddies
were playing.

Now, it’s Facebook, texting, or reading a really interesting
article or blog comment on my phone.

For some reason, the latter makes me feel a lot worse than
the former. Why?

Same or different?
What do you say?

Woman holding a cupcake, smiling happily.

Uncategorized December 16, 2011

The Beauty of Basherte

“You’re not going to make it tonight? OH!
We’ll miss you. Okay, don’t
worry. Everything is basherte.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to miss your wedding! My son just woke up with strep and there’s no
way I can leave town! What should I do –
everything is basherte.”

“What?? The freezer just
died, full of food! Well. Everything is basherte.”

Basherte:

pre-destined; meant to
be. Usually used in reference to a
soul-mate, as in marriage, but also used to reference the Hand of Providence,
whether for the good or bad, that shapes every event in our lives. Some Jews prefer to call it karma…

Here’s the beauty of basherte. When it’s your reality, it simply has the
power to take the wind of disappointment, regret, blame and anger right out of
your sails. When it’s the reality of
others in your life, it takes those emotions right out of their sails.

Caution:

1.
It takes practice.

2.
You can’t be a control freak or a micro-manager
and expect this to be easy.

3.
You can’t make a dumb mistake and blame the
results on God.

People usually use the term “basherte” to describe a
wonderful, serendipitous event, where the Hand of God stirred the pot and
everything tasted wonderful upon completion.
That’s beautiful too.

But the real power of basherte is when you apply it to the
negative things that occur to you.

I am anticipating the question of why bad things happen to good
people. While that is a valid question, I
deal with it mainly in person only. I intend
here to address the instances referenced above: the inevitable and mundane
disappointments of daily lives.

Have you ever experienced, in hindsight, the beauty of basherte? Seeing the Providence in what seemed like a
disappointment or negative occurrence?

Uncategorized December 15, 2011

Best Jewish Apps

What’s on my phone right now? I always love the coolness of combining technology with religiosity. So fun. So I decided to share with y’all which Jewish apps are currently hanging out on my phone:

1. Zmanim

This literally means “times.” In Judaism, the exact minute of sunrise and sunset are very important, as well as many points in between (like their midpoint). Why? There are certain times of day designated for certain prayers. When Shabbat and holidays start and end. When ANY day starts and ends. Like if you need to figure out which is the 8th day for a bris. So this app detects your location and offers you all the important times: sunrise, till when you can do the morning prayers, midday, the earliest time you can do the afternoon prayers, sunset, nightfall, and mid-night (not to be confused with 12:00 am).

You can also change the date or location, like if you want to know when Shabbat will begin in four months (like for people who plan Shabbatons, ahem) or if you’ll be traveling and want to know if you can still catch a minyan at your destination.

2. Siddur

This is a prayerbook app. The free one is Hebrew only (yup, that’s what I’ve got – I’m cheap, but for a small fee you can download one with English) and has bookmarks for the morning blessings, the Shema, the Amidah, the afternoon prayers (mincha), the evening prayers (maariv), “bentching” – Grace After Meals, the travelers’ prayer, and more. It’s perfect for when I’m on the go, but, like many anti-Kindle peeps, I feel it’s just not the same. Also quite distracting when an email or call comes in while I’m supposed to be concentrating on the Lord. But there’s a concept in Judaism of looking at the words while you pray – even if you know it by heart. Or maybe especially if you do. Because it helps you concentrate, while you might be tempted to rattle it off by rote. So this is great in a pinch.

3. Tehillim

This is the Book of Psalms. Yeah, in an app. Oxymoron? Nah. Jewish tradition has us turning to this book to pray for assistance or gratitude in any circumstance. I confess, I’ve never used it. I always revert to whispering the ones I know by heart. But it’s very cool and has fun bookmarks. Also, it makes me feel good just by being on my phone.

4. Calendar converter

This is a totally fun app that gives you the Hebrew dates for English and vice versa. Very handy for choosing bar and bat mitzvah dates for our Sunday school kids.

5. Google calendar: Jewish holidays

This isn’t really an app, but did you know you could download the Jewish calendar into your google calendar? Then all the Jewish holidays appear instantly, including Rosh Chodesh (first day of the new Jewish month), and, if you’d like, the various Torah portions each week. You can even choose your dialect for Hebrew (like Shabbos or Shabbat). Very useful for making sure you don’t schedule an event on the first night of Passover or something like that.

6. Avot

This is all six chapters of Pirkei Avot – the Ethics of the Fathers. I’m teaching it in a class, and it’s perfect for checking quickly what we’re up to or reviewing before class.

7. Kol Halashon

Just downloaded this last week and I’ve already used it a bunch of times. It’s for the more experienced learner, and basically it takes what is already a telephone learning service and offers it in app form. It’s an extensive and organized collection of Torah lectures by today’s most popular lecturers. You can choose parsha, mishna, Talmud, Jewish law, character improvement. You can choose Hebrew, English, Yiddish and other languages. I’ve bookmarked my four favorite lecturers. You can either download the lectures or just play them, so it’s great for travel. Eats up quite a bit of memory, but for me, totally worth it.

Which Jewish apps are hanging out on your phone?

Hikers ascending desert trail, Snake Path sign.

Uncategorized December 11, 2011

Non Encounter at a Bris

The Scene: Bris of Greenstein Family. Orthodox synagogue.

In attendance: the Greenstein’s Orthodox friends, non-Orthodox friends and relatives of both persuasions.

The service is about to begin. Friends and relatives file in to the main lobby.

Enter stage left – Karla Greenstein, a first cousin of Melinda (the baby’s mom). Karla is a 37-year-old mom and reading intervention specialist. She is excited to be at the simcha, but insecure in her choice of outfit and quite intimidated about entering an Orthodox synagogue (for the first time).

Enter stage right – Chava Leah Kohn, 31 years old, mom, reading intervention specialist, and friend of Melinda’s. Orthodox born and bred, Chava Leah has had limited interactions with non-Orthodox Jews and is nervous about what to say if someone will ask her a question about Orthodoxy that she can’t answer.

Karla sees Chava Leah across the room.

Karla’s stream of consciousness:

omg i’m wearing the wrong thing i knew i would be wearing the wrong thing. i wore a dress, but no one said it had to be BLACK and SO LONG obviously the leggings aren’t quite the new skirt just yet oy why is she looking at me like that where do i stand? are men and women supposed to be separate or something oh no look those orthodox are all mingling and socializing ok i guess its ok. phew. should i ask that woman where to go she’s obviously in the know oh no i would look too stupid what if i say something to offend her oh this is very stressful i gotta find somewhere to put this gift where’s the table for gifts oh there’s melinda lemme go say hi

Chava Leah sees Karla across the room.

Chava Leah’s stream of consciousness:

oh that woman looks a little lost and confused i should really go over to her and ask her if she needs help no that would look stupid who am i to be like the hall monitor no can’t do that but don’t want to leave her hanging either so nice how she’s wearing a dress to be respectful wow i should really go introduce myself and be a mensch no i’m much too shy what will i say what if she asks me something and i don’t know how to answer i’ll feel like such a fool she’s so cute her outfit’s really cute i wonder if i look so out of style in my clothes does she think i’m like totally out of date come on just go over and say hi what’s the big deal no i can’t it’s too weird oh she’s leaving oh there’s melinda

Chava Leah approaches Melinda just as Karla leaves.

They exchange brief smiles.

Karla exits stage right.

Chava Leah exits stage left.

Curtains.

Book cover: "Conversations with God" by Ruchi Koval.

Uncategorized December 9, 2011

Poll: Anti-semitism and intra-anti-semitism

Which of the following do you feel is the biggest problem:
1. Hatred of non-Jews toward Jews
2. Hatred of Jews toward other kinds of Jews
3. Hatred within the Orthodox community?
As always, comments containing specific negative information, even true, about ANY group of people, or snide remarks, will not be published.