I’m So Humble

My intention in this article is: to provide a pathway for you to both, own your greatness and not shy away from it AND not have that be a barrier between you and people or have you feeling better than other people; quite the contrary in fact.

If you’re kinda amazing (and I’m very very clear you are), then how can you be humble?

Let’s use me as an example for this.

Berry Schwartz is a talented individual (gosh gosh blush blush that’s me!) and he knows it.

I do.

I’m extremely gifted at being with people and their raw, messy emotions. I’m slowly becoming talented at speaking and presenting. I’m a quick learner and pick up new ideas and talents quite fast. I’m developing myself to the point where my word is law for me. If I say I will do X, or I will be there by Y, it will be done. And if it isn’t I will clean up the mess and make it right. Let me tell you, that type of work with yourself is brutal, but it’s moving. Like… it’s really becoming that way for me gradually. I’m a pretty good writer (I don’t think I am but people tell me so), have a big brain and intelligence, can consume information rapidly, and, to some extent I know what I don’t know about life. I have a powerful work ethic and focus I can draw on. I’m getting competent (but nowhere near mastery yet) at having people around me see radical results on what’s important to them.

I’ve also worked part-time in law school as a copywriter while still being in the top 15% of my class, created a website/blog and begun a conversation in our community, created a monthly gathering group in my home, begun organizing a monthly solidarity run between black men and jewish men in crown heights, AND been an amazing husband and father (so my wife tells me).

Now, most people, especially in chabad communities, I think, would shy away from that. When they start noticing how great they are, they   start to kind of bend themselves and their brain away from that awareness. And in so doing, they would be losing so much freedom and power to just be with who they are.

I know I’m amazing.

I also know that I know it.

I also know that I don’t feel superior to anybody else AT ALL.

How is that possible?

Well, let’s take a look.

But first, let’s look at what humility is most definitely not (at least in my world).

Humility for most people seems to be a very rational and calculated thought process. It goes something like this.

– they start realizing they’re excelling at something

– they naturally begin to feel good about themselves or just aware of the contrast to other people’s capabilities in this area

– they perceive this as an issue

– they engage in a rational give and take to reduce the perceived contrast

For mussarniks, that might be something along the lines of focusing on sins, focusing on areas of failure, contrasting yourself to those yet greater than you in your area of excellence and so on.

For chabadniks, that goes something along the lines of:

[Taken from the winning essay of the MLC contest. Full disclosure, I submitted an article so make of that what you will  ]

Notice the individual shying away from taking ownership of their greatness. The attribution keeps being moved from the individual to others, parents, teachers, environment and so on.

Nothing wrong with that. But it’s a very calculated process (almost convoluted).

Personally, this kind of rationalization doesn’t work for me.

For a couple reasons but mostly because I believe in taking ownership of your work.

Yes, I do have a big brain I was blessed with but so were others, and they didn’t achieve the same excellence I did. I am the one who put in the effort and the time and the commitment.

If someone else was me, i.e. had my brain and predispositions etc…they might have achieved what I’ve achieved? Not likely. We all have free choice. Hakol bidei shamayim chutz miyiras shamayim. The fact that I’m working on myself to the point where someone can be upset with me and instead of getting upset too, I can deal with what they’re committed to, what their real communication is (which is almost never just the emotion) is amazing.

And I’m doing it. No one else.

Engaging in this very cerebral dance just seems krum and crooked to me.

Besides which, the very rationalization and cognitive back and forth about this excellence you have is itself the lack of humility!

If humility is forgetting about yourself for a bit, then how can you focus on that?

See, by focusing on that you’re again focused on yourself and what you need to do/become and before you know it … you’re back at square one: YOURSELF AND THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

It’s like the joke about the bochur was was a genius but full of himself so they sent him off to a great Rav to learn some humility and when he came back he said…before I was pretty great but now I’m REALLY great because I’m also humble!

I actually was this bochur in the joke!

I remember so vividly in 8th grade in my Litvish school being one of maybe three kids out of hundreds who stayed inside the beis midrash every recess to learn Torah.

Hahaha. We KNEW how special we were, and God did we have chips on our shoulders. And our teachers encouraged that!

We really wore our status of “future talmidei chachamim” on our shoulders and  felt superior to everyone else who was too “weak” to come learn during recess.

So how was I humble then? I wasn’t, but I sure forced myself into thinking I was. I had these really complicated calculations about each kid that , if he was me, he would be doing even more than I was.

So does being humble require being ignorant or lacking awareness of how amazing I am?

No.

Is it thinking about your sins or failures?

Is it me sitting down to reflect on all the areas of my life where I’m anything but great?

The fact that I let my brain take me down some days, down the rabbit hole of anxiety and worrying about the future? The fact that I don’t keep all the mitzvos all the time? The fact that I sometimes am not there for my family in the way I know I could be? The fact that I get angry at God, myself and family sometimes? My lack of clarity about the future? My occasional unwillingness to see the beauty in my life and instead just seeing what I don’t have? The jealousy I feel towards those I perceive as more successful than me? The fact that it’s hard for me to take criticism without getting caught up in looking and defending myself.

Sure I could go there and think about that and maybe fit my heart into the box of feeling small and less than others.

But my God for what? That is so odd for me. It’s so forced and effortful, it’s, dare I say it, snaglike (I kid, I kid).

Then what is humility?

It’s not a brain thing. You can’t get it by pushing for it. You can’t really get it by having these calculations.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself it’s thinking of yourself less. [Read that again]

And not by thinking about how much you need to be thinking less of yourself. It’s a natural graceful thing. It happens when you’re not looking to it and for it.

And it happens when you start to really see people and be struck by how frikin beautiful they are. How incredible they are.

AND THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW IT USUALLY!

Last week, I’m sitting on the four train, and I’m literally crying looking at all the human beings in that train and just seeing so much beauty and wonder.

Ahhh!

You think there’s any chance I can feel superior to others when I see the beauty and wonder that human beings are?

Not likely.

Because when you’re engaged in seeing people, looking past the surface, what you see, what you find, makes it impossible to feel haughty no matter how much excellence or achievements you’ve collected.

So maybe you don’t need to look away from your areas of excellence or how amazing of a human being and Jew you are.

Maybe you can double down, take ownership of your greatness and be complete with who you are.

And maybe when you do that, you start to REALLY feel humbled at the beauty of the people around you.

MAYBE.

Hell, what do I know.

P.S. Here’s what I’m NOT SAYING:

I’m not saying that it’s wrong to engage in a calculated thought-conversation to make yourself feel smaller by focusing on areas where you don’t seem to be great.

I’m not saying it’s all or nothing…perhaps a blend of the two could work for YOU.

I’m not saying that it’s ALWAYS good to own your greatness (though I may believe that).

P.P.S. If you found this article in any way helpful, empowering or insightful, OR if you disagreed with it and yet it had you come alive and start thinking about what really matters to you AND you want to give something back to me, I have a request of you!

Share it with two people you suspect might like it, resonate with it, or even strongly disagree with it.

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