Hey OOTOB readers,
Today I’m on Kveller, discussing whether it’s easier to have 5 kids in a 2-kid world, or seven kids in a 7-kid world. Check it out!
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized
Hey OOTOB readers,
Today I’m on Kveller, discussing whether it’s easier to have 5 kids in a 2-kid world, or seven kids in a 7-kid world. Check it out!
Interesting reading, as usual.
And how about a two-kid-family in a seven-child-world? Does it exist, O couples who don't want a big family? Would that be acceptable to the community as a legitimate choice, or do you think there would be pressure to have more kids? Would the pressure be openly expressed or just the internalized pressure of conforming to the community standards? If you knew parents who only have, say, two children, would you automatically assume there is a medical problem with conceiving?
When I'm in the Orthodox world, I'm right in the zone with my 6 kids. When I'm at work, it's definitely a weird thing when people start talking about kids and babies. It's always like, jaw drop, SIX kids. I think overall it's a plus (people with one or two kids can't imagine how a person with 6 kids can even get out of the house to an office every morning); OTOH, I worry that any perceived lack of productivity will be ascribed to having a lot of kids. I sometimes feel I have to be twice as good at my job, but I also think it works to my advantage. Two supervisors have told me that they know they can rely on my to get everything on my list done… the unspoken reason is that they believe I am used to juggling things at home and making sure things get done, so I get things done at work too.
One or two kid families certainly exist in the O world, and I think (from second-hand knowledge) that it is a difficult and painful place to be. I think people do assume that there is a medical issue at play, rather than a lifestyle choice. Being childless not by choice is a *very* painful situation within the O community, because so much of our life and lifestyle is focused on children and families.
I've had "Cheaper By the Dozen" fantasies forever, I always loved the movies and tv shows with big families. But now with my own kids, although on one hand I always wanted more of them, in everyday life I like the one-on-one much more than "all at once" (even though my "all" is only 2). But one-on-one is where I really feel our connection. The whole-family feeling is less satisfying in a way. And so one way DH talked me out of more kids (apart from us being too old and it costing too much) was to point out that more kids means less one-on-one and more of me managing everyone. And more fighting because more siblings.
Do big-family moms have less of that one-on-one sense, and even pragmatically considered time, with each kid? Is it more a managerial job (like Tesyaa hints at)?
I wasn't necessarily trying to hint that I'm "managing" my family. I believe in one-on-one time, but it's often not planned. A trip to a doctor's office with one kid is one-on-one time too, or a shopping trip. It doesn't have to be a special event or program.
Also, my kids are all very attached to each other (although they get on each other's nerves a fair amount of the time). For me, the "whole family" feeling is really enjoyable (in addition to the one-on-one time, which is really necessary).
I think us big family moms have to make more of an effort to have one-on-one time, but it's definitely doable. I'm not very methodical about it, though I often think I should be. This conversation has actually made me realize that I've been really lax about this and need to get better about it. That said, I agree with tesyaa that the whole family feeling is really special in my family. Despite the fighting described below, my kids are really close with each other and with us. My husband recently asked my kids what they felt brought them the most happiness in life and they all answered, in one way or another, "family time!" To me, that makes all the fighting worthwhile 🙂
Do siblings fight less in bigger families? I guess I mean PROPORTIONALLY less, not overall quantity. I have wondered if the 2-child dynamic leads to an existential me-or-you conflict. Every single thing, every "first", every choice, is me-or-you, there are no realignments possible (except parents, which is fine with me if everyone is cheerful about it). Do siblings fight differently in big families? I so hate the kids' fighting that it was one argument against more kids, if more kids = more fighting. (Do O kids fight less???)
I don't think we can generalize. I only have one sibling and we did not fight significantly, even though we're close in age. I do think in big families two kids who don't get along have other outlets (their other siblings), and so may not be at each others' throats quite as much.
I don't know how to quantify the proportionate amount of fighting. All I know is that I have six and my kids fight plenty! I also grew up in a family of six and we fought just as much. I can't imagine that two could fight more, though a lot depends on personalities. I think the advantage is that they can also entertain each other for hours on end. Also, if I take one kid out of the equation (i.e. Sleepover at a friend) there is significantly less fighting.
Ranya, I always say the same thing. Not so much about the fighting, but when even one kid goes away, there is so much less noise that it's unbelievable.
Loved seeing you at Kveller!
Thanks, Nina!!