Awkward: I meet someone for the first time at a social event, and he sticks out his hand to shake mine. I apologize and decline to shake, stating that, “It’s a religious thing; I don’t shake hands with men.”
Very awkward.
Let me explain.
Jewish law and tradition have a lot to say about relationships between men and women.
How to keep them monogamous.
How to keep them spiritual.
How to keep them fresh.
To put it bluntly, a physical relationship is only intended within the framework of marriage.
To this end, there is a whole huge lifestyle that goes along with living according the Torah’s directives in this area. The basic logic is this: if boys and girls socialize, they will date. If they will date, they will develop feelings for each other. These feelings may or may not be real, mature, devoted, or sane. A physical relationship will likely develop that will have nothing to do with one’s life partner.
Therefore, boys and girls in the Orthodox world, at differing degrees of intensity depending upon where along the ortho-spectrum one falls, are pretty much educated and socialized separately.
How about grown-up folks?
Well, since adult human beings are, erm, not immune to faithlessness, there are a number of guidelines in place to prevent unseemly or unwanted relationships from forming.
Like not being alone with a member of the opposite sex unless you’re married. Or immediately related.
Like not touching, unless same.
The general idea is that this is a safeguard, or as it’s referred to in Torah jargon, a “fence.” To protect us. From our very human selves.
“Question, Rabbi?
Handshaking is hardly a big deal. I mean, it’s just like a business-like greeting.”
Answer:
You’re right, which is why many halachic (that which pertains to Jewish Law) authorities permit it. But some do not. My personal rabbi does not. The logic is – what if hugs become the new handshake? (And, um, I think they have. Possibly even kisses.) Then what? So some say, a handshake is a handshake, and some say, don’t even get started. Touch is touch. If you’re not shaking hands, you’re setting a very clear boundary right there. Which, in an era of increased harassment suits, may not be such a bad idea for anyone.
Lovely.
But I’m still shakin’ in my boots at the thought of shakin’. Why? Because it has so much potential for awkwardness. If folks already think that as an Orthodox Jew, I am standoffish/snobby/weird, this may very well confirm it for good. Also, you know when you try to high-five someone and they don’t connect? AWKWARD. No one likes having their hand hang out in mid-air like a piece of cold, unwanted, spaghetti. Also, and possibly most importantly, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.
So I pray they won’t extend the hand. Maybe a smile and a “hi, pleased to meet you” will be enough. Maybe I can balance a plate of hors-d’oeuvres and a glass and that will be my “no handshake available” signal? Sometimes my husband and I try to stand near each other so we can do each other’s handshakes. A bit odd, to be sure (no points in combating the “Orthodox Jews are weird” category) but at least not reject-ful.
Ideally, people who know us can warn their friends or family in advance that we have this fetish so no one will mistakenly extend their hand. Not because it offends me (as many people erroneously believe) but because the last thing I want to do is offend another by rejecting his handshake, when all he is trying to do is be polite and social.
So let’s make a deal.
Let’s not be offended by one another.
Yay!
I think the shaking is subsiding.
Have you been on either side of the hand-shaking moment?
Re: why your rav doesn't allow handshaking. Is that really the reasoning? Because I read in R. Ellinson's HaIsha v'haMitzvot that if for example kissing hands is the common practice instead of shaking hands, then that is permitted and handshaking is not.
My husband and I shake if the other person extends there hand so as not to make them uncomfortable. Otherwise, we don't offer.
Also, there are some segments of Orthodoxy where boys and girls go to coed schools, coed extracurricular activities, coed youth groups, etc. I figure it's worth pointing that out because someone who is considering becoming frum might not react well to the gender separation in some communities. They should know that there are other communities that do things differently and they don't have to walk away from the entire religion because of this issue.
I used to be a tax advisor with male client after male client offering their hands for me to shake. At that time, my Rav said it was ok to accept their handshakes, but of course it still felt funny.
As Baalei T'shuvah, we've had friends from our past come to visit us and inquire in advance on more than one occasion whether they'll be able to hug us. It's always interesting to get that call…. "so I'll be visiting next week but as I'm a female and your husband is an Orthodox Jew…. will I be allowed to hug him?"
Of course the most uncomfy situation is someone of the opposite sex to whom you're not related who will absolutely be offended if you don't accept a hug or kiss because you have in the past before you became frum. That's the roughest, in my mind, because it's someone you have a long history with. If someone I'm meeting for the first time offers a hand for me to shake it's a lot easier to say no thank you than for a long time friend to come barrelling at me with a hug.
Another great post!
Comments glossary:
Baalei T'shuvah: literally, those that have returned (to the ways of their ancestors, or to what they feel are their true selves). Refers to those that were not raised Torah-observant, but became observant as adults.
Heather, funny story:
my friend is also a baalas teshuvah, and a guy friend from high school saw her (it happened to be on a Shabbat) after not seeing her in awhile. He wanted to hug her, but she's like, "Sorry, I'm religious now… I can't hug you!" And he's like, Oh! So can I hug you after Shabbat? It was so sweet and cute.
This is a very hard one, especially with people you used to hug. Guidance from one's own rav is so important.
When I think someone is going to shake my hand, I try to plan ahead to be holding the baby or something so my hands are full. I have also been known to say, "I'm coming down with something (just getting over something) so I don't want to shake your hand and possibly give you germs." But I learned when becoming frum that it is better to shake than to offend. I find I am able to avoid it more often than not.
Also wanted to clarify for those who might not know that there are exceptions for being alone with a man (e.g., the plumber comes while your DH is at work. It can be allowed under certain circumstances such as your DH is in the same city and could come home at any time, you leave the outside door open/unlocked. Again, clarification with a rabbi who knows the laws helps.)
I'm on the other side of the coin. I am not frum and I have relatives who are Baal Teshuva. I understand the rules and reasons behind them completely but when I see my cousins and cannot hug them, I feel sad and like something is missing. When my children could no longer go swimming with their female cousins, I felt a sense of loss, as did they. I don't feel at all critical, but I miss that connection that we had from physical contact.
Sarah, I'm sure there are many "reasons" – your comment is very interesting. I had not known that. Amy: "guidance from one's own rav (rabbi" is SO IMPORTANT and cannot be overstated. Many newly religious folks are overly stringent because they are not asking for guidance about inter-family and friend relationships.
Susan: this is so painful for me to read. I so appreciate that you are able to express this respectfully and while understanding the rules and reasons. Nevertheless, it hurts. I feel for you. I'm sure that the respect and understanding you feel toward your relatives goes a long way toward salvaging the relationship.
Can you shake a woman's hand? I think its allowed, isn't it?
Yes, Andromache. Men can shake men's hands and women can shake women's. Welcome to OOTOB!
How does one stop? How can I stop hugging old friends and family who are used to hugging me? How did heatheramyprice do it?
I need help! I'm afraid of snubbing.
Any advice, stories, teachings, please?
Anonymous, since I haven't been there, I don't have personal experience, but I will repeat what I mentioned above: if you have changed your religious observance to the point where you no longer want to hug everyone, chances are you have a rabbi/mentor who should guide you. Individual circumstances are so important. Heather, if you're still reading… any insights?
You rang? 🙂 In the case of my old male friends from long ago, we mostly keep in touch now on the internet. From time to time they'll come visit us or we'll go visit them (rarely), and I'll just give the wife a big hug and tell her to give her husband a hug from me– that usually produces a laugh! We've already discussed the change previously. If there's someone you know who is coming to visit, just mention it in a kind and gentle way. At my wedding, a good male friend who knew I was in the process of no longer accepting hugs/kisses from the opposite sex, ran across the mechitza during the dancing, gave me a big peck on the cheek, and realized it was his last. *lol*
My family, unfortunately, separated from me around the same time I became frum– they didn't attend my wedding— I haven't seen anyone from my biological family since 1996. As far as my husband's family goes, they met me as I was in transition and knew it would be an issue soon anyway…… I Do make an exception, with a Rabbi's permission, for my father in law. I consider him my father in all respects and give him hugs and kisses.
Anonymous, if you'd like a friend who's been there/ done that on the BT route, I'm always happy to help— you can email me personally (from an anon email addy if you'd like) at [email protected]