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Controversial Observations, Uncategorized January 6, 2014

Yoga and Orthodoxy: Compare and Contrast

Assignment: Compare and contrast yoga and Orthodox Judaism.

The panelists are all familiar with both yoga and religious, observant Judaism.  They are all friends of mine in real life.  Some are highly trained yogis and others practitioners.  Note: the ideas and opinions expressed below do not necessarily reflect my theology.  

The Similarities




Sandy Gross:


They’re the same, in that it’s morals and ethics.  It’s more like Mussar (spiritual character development in Judaism).  As far as Orthodoxy, yoga just uses different tools – poses, for example – for us to “practice” applying these morals and ethics (in yoga they’re called Yamas & Niyamas).  Orthodoxy uses other practical tools – the 613 laws.  Both are practices, and practical, and that’s why I like JFX (the Jewish Family Experience, our congregation) so much!  We can always use more tools to help us be more mindful and inspired people:)

Scott Simon:


I think what is interesting about yoga poses – which most people consider “yoga” to be – is that they are not really about getting into shape.  They are actually meant to prepare the body to be able to sit for long periods of time in spiritual quest (meditation etc).  Judaism I am sure has methods to begin the process of getting us ready to enhance our connection with G-d through prayer.   

Sindy Warren:


I agree with Scott’s point about the yoga poses (asana practice) being intended to ready the body and mind for meditation, which can be, in some ways, likened to prayer.  I also like Sandy’s point about both paths being moral and ethical guidelines for proper living.  They can also both be seen as paths for spiritual growth and bringing one closer to one’s own potential.

Sandy Gross:

I view the laws, mitzvot, as very present moment opportunities to connect to G-d.  If one chooses to do them:). Ha. That’s why I think a lot people have connected so well into yoga – learning to integrate your upper arm bone into the shoulder socket properly in a weight bearing position (and other physical alignment hard rules), for example, may not seem very “spiritual”  but to me, it’s integrating mind with body, helping the body to return to harmony – it should be considered spiritual.  Alignment for me is respect for this amazing body and this is extremely spiritual.  I am integrating it with its operating system (G-d?) with every move I make.  I try anyway…that’s why we call it a yoga “practice”  :). 

Karen Marocco:


I think in many ways Judaism and yoga complement each other. Below are some of my thoughts:
For me, yoga is very much a practice of mindfulness. On the surface it’s about being aware of how your body moves/feels, the quality of breathing, what you eat etc. But it’s also about being mindful/aware of your thoughts, habits and actions-even throughout the day when you’re not doing the actual poses. For example, loshon hara  (the Hebrew term for the sin of gossip) is something many of us struggle with – or at least I do. Practicing mindfulness has helped me become more conscious of my words. It’s hard to better yourself when you’re unaware.
In teacher training we had to choose one yoga sutra/teaching that resonated with us and write about it. I chose the sutra surrender to a Higher power because it’s so in alignment – get it, ha! – with Judaism.  When my mom got sick, we turned to science/medicine for help. But ultimately, we believe that it rests with God. We do what we can and then surrender the results to Hashem (God).
Jody Trostler:

Interestingly I believe that my connection to yoga when I started practicing 13 years ago-ish was what was missing for me spiritually in Judaism. I was raised very secular and did not know what I did not know about the power of Judaism spiritually and intellectually. 
As I have learned and grown Jewishly,  some of the common practices of vinyasa yoga have become a bit uncomfortable. OM-ing and bowing/namaste is one of them. I felt a bit uncomfortable in my first yoga class after returning from my first and only Israel trip. I think my experience was so deep and profound spiritually that everything else felt shallow. Now I realize that I was being judgemental in these thoughts. 
I remember Shawna Rosner and I were talking about this years ago and she told me that instead of namaste she would say the Shema. I loved that and I now have adopted that practice (thanks Shawna!). This brings me close to G-d and is a reminder to pray when I am in a good place.
As my Jewish education has expanded and grown through mussar and Sunday school I do see several crossovers in the yoga teachings and mussar. It’s all great stuff and it just reinforces that I am on a path of growth.
The Differences:

Shawna Rosner:

First of all, I believe that Orthodoxy and yoga are mutually exclusive and in my life they remain so. I have always been closely identified with being Jewish and practicing Judaism, and did not turn to yoga to fill my need for religion. However, I found that I really cherished the snippets of philosophy on life that were often times interwoven into my yoga classes (and still do). As I have come to study more Torah, and Mussar in particular, I have found many parallels between yoga and Judaism and some differences as well. I no longer go to a yoga class craving the spiritual lesson as I have found it elsewhere (mostly thanks to JFX). 
My yoga practice is based on a mind and body experience. I try to find peace, balance and equanimity in my yoga practice, but I would be deceitful if I didn’t admit that the physical benefits of the practice are very important to me. I feel better after yoga and I believe this is just one step in becoming a better me and better able to give more of myself to those around me a d the universe as a whole. I also feel this way after studying Torah and Mussar. 
For me yoga is not a soulful experience. By that I mean I do not feel closer to a higher power when practicing. However, as Jody mentioned I do take the opportunity to say Shema during opening and closing of class and when Sanskrit just doesn’t feel right to me. So in essence I bring some Judaism to my mat. 
Thank you for the opportunity to express my views. For those that have not yet read Letters to a Buddhist Jew, as I did in Mussar, I highly recommend it!!
Sindy Warren:
Yoga eemphasizes being in the resent moment.  Learning to sit with the instant discomforts (of he body in asana practice and of the mind in meditation) and not reacting.  To create space betwween stimulus and reaction.  Orthodox Judaism, I think, places a huge emphasis on he future (ie, the World to Come).  Mussar, too, is forward looking and also focused on the post – what should we do in certain situations, looking to our ancestors (the mussar masters) for guidance.  Judaism has a unique way of blending the past with he present and he future – the holidays being representations not nly of our ast but of the present (and future) spiritual energy in the world.
Another interesting difference is the idea of doing or not doing, depending on the practice.  Judaism teaches through action.  Be generous, and you will become more generous.  Do first, then believe.  Yoga teaches the importance of non-action (to wit, the phrase “don’t just do something, sit there”).  

Sandy Gross:

The main difference (although I focus on the similarities mostly:)  is that Judaism is a dualistic religion.  Yoga, is non-dualistic.  G-d is everywhere including and especially in us.  Two quotes on the walks at the new Evolution:
“The sun shines not on us but in us.” John Muir
“My body is my first prop.”  BKS Iyengar
And, yoga is not a religion, it’s considered an (experiential) science.  The Latin root of the word “religion” is to “realign with your origin.” That word religion needs a new PR campaign.   I feel like I am religious then, if you define it that way:). Again, I’m trying!  
Karen Marocco:

Namaste: This is the most uncomfortable part of the yoga practice for me. Namaste is what many teachers and students say when ending a class. Often translated as the light in me honors the light in you (which I think is a beautiful sentiment.) However, literally namaste means “I bow to you.”  Even though people bow their heads as a gesture of respect and not worship I was always taught that you don’t bow to anyone but God. There have been Jews who have chosen death over bowing to another person. 
Sandy Gross (on bowing):
The bowing in Namaste, to me, in this non-dualistic path of yoga, means you’re technically bowing to yourself.  Your higher Self that you share with everyone else… Acknowledging that we are one.  That there really is no separation.  
I think I remember also hearing that the bowing is the representation of the physical, lower-cased self, with the higher Self or light/G-d, energy within that we all share.  
In the OM yoga tradition in which I was trained, we did not bow nor say Namaste. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. 




Thoughts from the Facebook discussion:




Renee:  I think a mindful yoga practice is a lot like living the Kabbalah.  Technically if done properly, EVERYTHING one does is out f gratitude to G-d in both practices – so es, food choices are simple and prayers are offered; positive community; mind/body/spirit connection; ego not important; meditation several times a day…


Ariella:  To be “good” at both you’ve got to be committed. Both are complicated. 
Allison:  You’re always learning with both Judaism and yoga.
Chantal:  I’m very wary of bringing in the spiritual side of yoga as some of the origins really border on avoda zara (idolatry) if not outright… Tread carefully!
Dave:  They’re both misunderstood (and dismissed) by the ignorant…
Wendy:  Yoga is quieting the voices in your head, it is profoundly moving if you let it be, it’s about gratitude on a very deep level, a connection with yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Yoga is good for you. There is no doubt about it. 
What are your thoughts, OOTOB readers?  What’s your experience with yoga and/or religious Judaism?  Does yoga satisfy a spiritual or religious need for you?
(For an interesting related read, check out this article and especially the comments.)
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized December 26, 2013

What’s Your Red Line in Parenting?

This past weekend, our educational organization, JFX, offered a little experiment: an “outreach” Shabbaton for Orthodox Jews.  A Shabbaton is a weekend retreat, often at a hotel, where Jewish folks celebrate Shabbat together, usually with workshops or other inspirational and motivational sessions.  In an Orthodox-led retreat, there is observance of Shabbat in public spaces (no photos, microphones, electronic media).

JFX is an organization that mostly services families whose kids are in public school (although we have a nice minority of day school families), so this “Orthodox-only” Shabbaton was new for us.  Our thought process: often, people need to zoom out in their Judaism and seem to really appreciate a back-to-basics approach that organizations like ours offer, since we don’t assume that anyone knows or believes anything.  We have found that Orthodox people, whether they’ve been so their whole lives, and thus never experienced this “outreach” approach to education, or whether they are “BTs” – people who have become religious as adults or teens – and have moved through and past the “outreach” approach, and miss it, very often crave the kind of positive, panoramic style of teaching we offer.

(Sidebar: in no way am I suggesting that “our” style of education is superior to “classic” Orthodox education.  Different models are appropriate for different situations.)

So, the Shabbaton.

A lot of really interesting things came to light, in contrasting this particular Shabbaton with the others we run.  Maybe another post one day.  But for now, I wanted to focus on one thing.  We had a panel discussion on Shabbat afternoon, which covered topics such as “Balance in Family – Kids and Marriage,” “Love and Discipline in Parenting,” “Making Judaism Real for your Kids,” and “Happiness.”  One of the questions was:

We all know that in order to raise emotionally and spiritually healthy children, we need both unconditional love and clear boundaries.  What is your red line in parenting?  Which battles do you pick? 

Every single one of our panelists gave the same response (which didn’t happen with other questions).  I am really curious if this is an “Orthodox thing” or a “universal thing,” so I am turning it over to you guys.

How would you answer this question, and do you affiliate Orthodox?  At the end, I’ll tell you what they said!

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized December 20, 2013

What I Learned From Jewish Cleveland Freebay

Just over a year ago, I had an idea.  See, I’m a chronic “thing-thrower-outer” and I’m always organizing and getting rid of stuff.  There’s a local “g’mach” (kindness organization) that accepts clothing and furniture for the needy members of our local Jewish community, but they only accepted things in excellent condition, and often when I dropped stuff off, there was a sign that they were not accepting drop-offs as they needed to sort what was already there.
So I turned to the ‘net.  I posted a photo on my Facebook page of some shorts that my son had grown out of, added that they were up for grabs, and within a matter of seconds, a local friend gladly claimed them.  WOW!  This was instant. This was powerful.
After a bit of this, I realized that less than half my friends are local, and why did they all need to see my posts that only pertained to local friends?  Plus, Maimonides’ hierarchy of giving was on my mind, and I know that one should ideally give family members first, one’s local community first, and one’s fellow Jew, as we’re supposed to look out for each other as family.
Hence, I created “Jewish Cleveland Freebay.”  Regular Facebook users know it takes about one minute to set up a Facebook group, and it took just a few more to add my local friends.  They quickly added their friends, and boom!  Jewish Cleveland Freebay was born.  It’s been an incredible ride, and so much good has come out of it.  I’ve also learned a few tough lessons along the way.
Here’s the good, the bad, and the ugly:
The Good:
1. Unity
This group has brought people together, both online, and more importantly, IN PERSON, whose paths would never cross.  People have to actually go to people’s homes to pick up their goods, much like Craigslist but with a little more security (we hope).  Jewish Cleveland of all random stripes are interacting!  Meeting!  Talking!  Giving!  Sharing!  It’s a beautiful thing.
2. Giving Jewish
I’ve had so many people ask me, before Freebay, “Are there any Jewish families who could use my old dining room table?”  Because otherwise it was going to the Salvation Army or some other wonderful cause – but folks wanted to try and service their own communities where possible.  Of course, I didn’t usually know off-hand who needed what, so it often did go to a generic cause.  In this new format, the givers knew that their donations were benefiting the community.
3. Immediacy
Due to the nature of the internet, stuff could be received just when it was needed.  I took out my bin of boots from my attic, and when I was done sorting what my own kids needed, and what I still wanted to save for my kids’ future, I posted the rest.  The SAME day I felt like I needed boots, I could post my extras, and others could receive them, so the recipients’ needs were met seasonally.  I can’t even count how many winter coats people got for free just as the season was starting.  It was a beautiful sight.  I mean, seriously, someone’s glasses broke in the middle of the night; she posted her prescription and had a pair loaned to her by morning.
4. Mutual Gratitude
People are so grateful for their free stuff!  And the givers are so grateful for their stuff to be unloaded!  This gratitude jumps right off my smartphone.  It’s palpable.  I’ve had people stop me at community events to thank me for starting Freebay!
5. Sharing
Sometimes you’ll see more than one person wanting to claim the same thing.  They’ll get in line, or offer to share.  I love that.
The Bad and the Ugly:
Listen.  People are people.  And they’re going to take their flaws into any arena they enter.  So you’ll see, on Freebay:
1. Envy
People will private message me that others are getting “too much stuff.”  Or claiming things too quickly.
2. Thoughtlessness
I was going to call this “greed” but I really don’t feel that it is.  You’ll see some people claiming multiple things – those that are frequently online and able to.  I don’t think they mean to be grabby, but they’re possibly not being as thoughtful as possible.
3. True Need
It’s been tricky for me to determine if this is a “tzedaka” site or not. It’s not need-based – anyone can claim anything.  Besides, who knows who is actually in “need” and who is not??  No one.  I have been asked if it’s a tzedaka site over and over again, and while it’s not, technically, it’s still a mitzvah.  Right?
4. Open/Closed
At first the group was “open” which meant anyone could join and see the posts.  Oh, la, la, that hippie in me.  I had to “close” the group and more carefully monitor who joined when someone was being verbally abused on the site.  Now I’m stuck deciding who gets to join and who doesn’t.  Yuck!  That’s not what I asked for.  I do my best, and still get private messages questioning my judgment.  I’m doing my best.  Which brings me to the final point:
5. Getting Flak
After turning down someone who doesn’t live in Cleveland, I got virtually yelled on online by this woman.  It wasn’t so fun.  I don’t get paid to run this group.  It’s for the benefit of the Jewish community here in Cleveland.  But it just reinforced a core Jewish concept: you can stay in your own little circle of the world, not take any risks, and never get yelled at.  Or you could put yourself out there, be vulnerable, open yourself up to criticism, and accomplish.
I choose the latter.  It’s worth it.
Why don’t you start a Freebay for your community?
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized December 12, 2013

Kids at Risk

I went to get some routine bloodwork done. The woman helping me was clearly “in the know” about Orthodox living, and was proud to show it. After some Jewish geography, she dropped the bomb. “Can I ask you a question?  If your child decided not to be Orthodox anymore, what would you do?”

Seriously. What is it about me that invites these questions??
To be clear, I’m pretty sure just about every Orthodox parent has at some point feared just this. Following are excerpts from a friend of ours, expressing his thoughts when “it” happened to him. It’s long, rambling, searingly honest, and almost verbatim. 

Welcome to the club.

I know what you’re thinking: “not my kid.”  I hope you’re right. But you may be lying to yourself – like so many others.

Yes, I’m just like you. I come from a great family – as does my wife. Our home is loving and open. Our family dynamic is strong. We are a model to so many. We are not poor in any way. Our children have everything they need. 

We did it all right. We have no regrets. Yet it happened to us. 

We learned many lessons the hard way – lessons that have allowed us to keep a strong connection to our struggling child – to keep a truly positive and loving relationship. Lessons that are universal – that apply to ALL children.

We daven [pray] every day: “Hashem [God], give us the strength and wisdom to persevere. Give us the gift of chochma [wisdom] for continued personal growth. Allow us all to come out the other end as greater people.” 

I thought it couldn’t happen to me. I’ve got a great marriage, a happy home, we’re open-minded, warm, and friendly, we don’t have crazy expectations of our children, they have what they need… no, it can’t happen to me. Think again.

Why am I writing this? Mostly for myself – to gain clarity. Writing really helps. I also believe that Hashem has guided us with an extra dose of siyata d’shmaya [Divine assistance] and allowed us to find the perfect people to mentor and guide us through these challenging times. We want to share what we’ve learned – and for the honest sincere parents out there who want the best for their children – we are confident that they will find some valuable lessons in this article.   

Who do you blame? Whose fault is it? How do I take control? How do I show my child who’s boss? These and hundreds of other questions fly through our minds. What will my family say? What will the neighbors say? 

And let’s be honest, in our cruelly judgmental society – where so many people are more concerned about how others perceive them – when we think about “straightening out our child,” is it for the child or for our reputation?   

This child can be the catalyst for the most exceptional personal growth you’ve ever experienced. This child will change you in a way that nothing else ever can. This child is your key to greatness. Are YOU ready? 

They are hurting – they feel like failures – they’re NOT bad kids. They want to belong and feel whole. Treating them as if they’re bad is a guaranteed way to ensure they’ll hate you and the system for a long time – and with good reason. 

I know it’s painful. Feel their pain. Allow it to envelop you. A wise woman who has dealt with many of these challenging situations told me, “Remember, as much as it hurts you, your child has even more pain.”  We, as parents, are in pain. Yet, if we’re healthy we have a life outside of our challenges. Our child is living a nightmare of pain. They want to belong so badly, they want you to be proud of them, and yes – they want to be like everyone else. 

Deep in their hearts (and sometimes not so deep) they want to know what’s wrong. “Why can’t I be like my other siblings?”  It will take them some time to figure themselves out and how they can see themselves as valuable members of a Torah-based society.

These aren’t bad kids! There are very few bad kids. These are kids who don’t fit and they’ve been destroyed so badly inside that they simply don’t care.  Forcing them to conform – pouring your frustration on them – will KILL your child – and you only have yourself to blame. 

The litmus test for this principle is anger and frustration. If you have any anger or frustration towards your child – you’ve got some growing to do.  Let them live THEIR lives, not YOURS. This is really hard. We want the best for our children. We will do anything to see them successful. Yet, it would be a worthwhile exercise to go into a quiet room and ask yourself the following question, “Am I embarrassed of my child in front of my friends?”

Do you believe your child has greatness? Do you know where your child excels? Where are they unique? Where do they stand out? Why are you proud of them? If you can’t answer these questions – you’ve got a problem.

How can you be a good parent and be your child’s best advocate if you don’t believe in them?  We are living in a society where we value children. A family of 10 children is commonplace. This is a real example of our clear values. Parenting doesn’t end with having a child and sending them to school. That’s the easy part. The challenge is to dig deep within yourself to gain a sense of your child’s greatness and steer him in that direction.

Have a picture in your mind of them being successful in the future. It’s not enough to believe it – although it’s a great first step – you must articulate it. Again and again.

This doesn’t mean you have to approve of what they’re doing. Nor do you have to share their values. But you MUST appreciate their inherent goodness and potential – and you must find the areas in which they excel.

We all know that Hashem created each and every person as a unique individual with a unique set of talents. As a parent you’ve been charged with helping your child find the areas where they can excel. Are they artistic? Dedicated? Funny? Thoughtful? Creative? Musical? Friendly? Hard-working?

What do they enjoy? Find those areas and encourage them. Please don’t be bound by what others find acceptable – don’t abdicate your parenting to them. If your child doesn’t feel that you believe in them – you’re a failure as a parent.   Hashem has given you a great gift – the greatest gift – a child. You may be a Rosh HaYeshiva [spiritual head of a rabbinical institution] or a CEO, you may be a millionaire and a macher. All of that pales in comparison to your role as a father or mother. You will ultimately be judged on how you dealt with your children.

Separate your nisayon [test] from their nisayon. You’re not a BAD parent (I hope) – recognize that Hashem has given them a nisayon – and you CAN’T win their nisayon for them. You can only deal effectively with your nisayon. Welcome to the gift of growth. This is an unparalleled opportunity.

We only grow when we are challenged – and this challenges us like nothing else

We only grow when we relinquish control – and that’s the only way to succeed

We only grow when we REALLY rely on Hashem – and now we’re in a foxhole

We’re forced to find the best in them

We’re forced to keep our mouths shut

We’re forced to reassess our parenting skills

We’re forced to think about the values we hold dear – and what is being transmitted to our children. 

Stop the religious fight. They’re empty inside and feel apathetic (at best) towards yiddishkeit [Judaism]. 

Do you think they don’t know what’s right and wrong? Do you think they need your reminders? Do you really think it’ll help? So GIVE IT UP. Never tell them the obvious. It’s counterproductive.

Your job is to be totally positive and not demanding. Ask yourself, “Why is it so important for me to mention this halacha [law]?” If it’s for your reputation – forget it! They will see right through you. If it’s because you’re worried about their neshama [soul] – then the right question is, “What’s the most effective way to engage them?” It’s not about getting them to do the right thing today – it’s about allowing them to begin to feel connected again. If they feel connected everything else will follow.

Focus on the joy in mitzvos – don’t expect them to join in – allow them to see the experience.

How real are mitzvos to you? Are they an expression of ahavas Hashem [love of God]? Are they an expression of hakoras hatov [gratitude] to Hashem? Do you live with “ivdu as Hashem b’simcha” [the concept of serving God with joy]?  If you’re just “going through the motions” your kid knows it – this is a wakeup call for you – to start making Torah and mitzvos real for you. You can fool a lot of people… but not your kids. 


Remember the choice is yours – will you sit and kvetch about how “the system” is at fault… or will you recognize the great gift Hashem has given you – the incredible opportunity to be forced to grow as a person. If you can shift your perspective – this can be the greatest growth opportunity you have ever experienced. 

I learned that whatever my gut told me was wrong! It was quite a humbling experience. I was convinced that it was my job to be mechanech [an educator], and I learned that it was my job to let go. It’s my job to fix my child? Wrong again – it’s me who needs the fixing.

No one is equipped to deal with this alone – and if you think you are – you need help more than everyone else – because it means that you’re an arrogant fool as well.

Please, I beg of you, don’t speak to your friends for advice, don’t ask your parents. Speak to someone who is an expert in this field. It can save your child’s life. 

Finally, pray.  Let’s be honest – for many of us it’s hard to make davening [prayer] real. I remember the lyrics of a song from when I was young. “You can get up every day and pray those same quotations, you can do it all on the outside going through all the motions…”  These words always spoke to me – as I recognized how shallow much of my davening was.

Remember this nisayon [test] is your ticket to greatness. Don’t squander the opportunity kvetching. You can make your davening real. You can beg! You can speak from the depth of your heart and soul….

There’s more. Much more. All of it honest and growth-oriented.

My answer, then, to my erstwhile questioner in that random suburban lab, should have been: “If my kids, God forbid, decide to give up this faith that means the world to me, I sure hope I can be just like this writer.”

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized December 5, 2013

Divine Providence

It’s not the roof above my heaď that’s keeping out the rain
It’s not the doctor’s medicine that takes away the pain
It’s not because of my hard work that I’ll do well again
It’s the One who was, and the One who is, and the One who will remain.

(Pulling Strings by London Girls’ Choir)

People think the line of demarcation between Orthodox and non-Orthodox Jews is Shabbat observance.  And for the most part, at least on a practical, obvious level, this is true.  But there is another philosophical aspect at play that I have found to be huge line of demarcation as well.  Granted, the line is not drawn as clearly in the sand (some non-Orthodox Jews believe in this too, whereas some Orthodox Jews have a really hard time with it) but I’ve found it to be a barrier in conversation and understanding.

True story a friend told me:

My daughter went to Israel after graduating high school, like so many Jewish day school students do. I did not have any kind of a formal Jewish education and knew nothing about seminaries or yeshivas. I had heard many girls talk about different seminaries, but had no idea how one was different then the other. So when it came time to choose a seminary, my daughter did the investigating on her own. She decided on a seminary in Har Nof that turned out to be a great fit for her. It was a small school and the girls were very close with a lot of the faculty. My daughter often had Shabbos meals at her Rabbis’ or Rebbitzens’ homes. My daughter also forged a close relationship with her Aim Bayit (dorm mother), which was like an RA (resident advisor) when I was in college. 

My daughter had been accepted to a college in New York City, deferred for a year and was planning on starting her college years right after her year in Israel. It was getting towards the end of her year in Israel and she asked me if I would be open to her returning for another semester. I was so glad that she was enjoying her seminary and seemed to be gaining a lot from the experience. I was happy to send her back for another semester.

First year ended and she was home for the summer. It turned out that the college which my daughter planned on attending in NYC had a campus in Jerusalem. My daughter decided to take two college classes in addition to her seminary classes when she first returned to Israel. The class schedule worked out fine and she was all registered. The only problem was that the college classes started earlier than the seminary classes and the seminary apartments were not going to be open until two weeks after she got back. She didn’t know where she was going to stay for those two weeks.

The dilemma was solved quickly. The Aim Bayit, Sarah Leah Silverman, lived two blocks from the school and said she could live with her until the seminary apartments opened. My daughter was just about to go back to Israel and an old friend of mine from 7th grade saw on Facebook that my daughter knew Sarah Leah Silverman, so she asks her how she knew her. My daughter explains the relationship. My old friend then tells my daughter to ask me if I remember Shari Teitzman. I said “Sure. We were friends during my high school years. We knew each other through a youth group and had friends in common. We spent a week of our summer at a camp together and we even sang a duet in a talent show together.”

Well, it turns out, Shari Teitzman became observant about 30 years ago and started using her Hebrew name. Years later she got married and was known as Sarah Leah Silverman. So the woman who my daughter had built this relationship with, was an old friend of mine from over 30 years ago. There was no way of me making the connection, and Sarah Leah had no idea that the young woman she befriended was my daughter.

My daughter finished seminary, made a life direction change, and ended up making aliyah. She now boards at Sarah Leah’s home and they are extremely close.  What incredible hashgacha pratis.

This story expresses how a [fill in your favorite term: frum, Orthodox, religious] Jew thinks.  It’s the belief in Divine Providence, called in Hebrew “hashgachah pratis/t.”   In Maimonides’ epic Thirteen Principles of Faith, the generally accepted list of philosophical bylaws for an Orthodox Jew, it’s #10.  It includes:

1. The belief that God is aware of the small details of your life (omniscient)
2. that He has the power to intervene and manipulate events just for you (omnipotent)
3. that He cares enough to do so (all-loving)
4. that everything He does is good (all-good).

(In fact, as Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith of aish.com observes, anyone asking “why do bad things happen to good people” is using these four truths as a premise.  If any of these are not true, the question disappears.  More on this later.)

There does appear to be, at least according to some, a “sliding scale” on personal attention that any given human being will earn.  Leviticus 26:21 warns, “If you act toward me with an attitude that everything happens by chance, I will respond and allow the forces of nature take their toll on you without any intervention on my part” (SR Hirsch’s explanation).  Meaning, that if you try to see God’s hand in your life, He will show it more and give you more personal intervention.

What I’ve found interesting is two-fold:

One, the angst that some Orthodox Jews experience with this philosophy and its corollaries, and two, the instinctive nature of some non-Orthodox Jews to embrace this (it’s for sure popular, in fuzzier form, in yoga), despite the fact that the Conservative and Reform movement officially reject it [addendum: the Conservative Movement does not officially reject it. See comment section below.].

At least I think they do.  You won’t it find it here or here (except briefly in Reconstructionist Judaism), the top two Google search returns to “reform, orthodox, conservative beliefs.” When I tried to find out more I got a lot of Christian sites and stuff about George Washington (?).  I base my words on things I have heard Reform and Conservative rabbis publicly state, although I do have a hard time figuring out why this information is so elusive on the web.  It seems from what I’ve observed in my own life, Conservative Judaism deals with the question by stating that #2 above is untrue – that God cannot actually control everything [note: this may be the views on individual rabbis, and not a movement-wide belief. Again, see comment section.].

In any case, I live my life with this belief.  The parking spot that just opened?  God loves me!  The store that closed right as I approached?  It was meant to be.  Everything happens for a reason.  The investment that went sour?  It wasn’t determined for me on Rosh Hashanah; it was never mine.  That guy that dropped my friend when she though they were getting engaged?  His basherte is someone else.

You can see where this philosophy has the potential to bring a lot of serenity its wake.  And to the really tough questions, like cancer, holocausts, and mental illness, what can I say other than I’ve seen adherents to this philosophy pull through and draw immense strength from this belief.  To those who feel it strongly, it’s a balm for life’s ills.

I would like to request that this post not become a forum to angrily address where God has wronged you in your life.  I will not publish comments that speak disrespectfully to me or to God.  

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized November 22, 2013

What Are You Afraid Of In Your Judaism?

The Background:

A couple of weeks ago, a speaker by the name of Yael Kaisman came to Cleveland to speak to the women of the Orthodox community.  Her theme was “illusions” and she spoke with a lot of candor and humor about how we live with certain illusions that steer us wrong.  One of the “illusions” she spoke about was teens and fashion.

As a teacher, she travels in various Orthodox circles.  She said once that the Modern Orthodox girls that she teaches are “afraid” to look too “religious” – they don’t want anyone to mistake them for “Bais Yaakov” girls.  So she got to thinking: what are the Bais Yaakov girls afraid of?

She asked her “Bais Yaakov” students: what are you afraid of, when you get dressed – whom don’t you want to look like?  The answer?  “We don’t want people to think we’re Chassidish.”

Well, Mrs. Kaisman teaches at a Chassidic seminary, so she asked the girls: What are YOU afraid of?  “We don’t want to look like Satmar (considered the most extreme).”

I found this all fascinating and funny in an ironic and even sad way.  One, we’re all afraid of something, and two, all these religious girls were afraid of looking TOO RELIGIOUS!  Well, it got me thinking.  What is everyone else afraid of?  So I conducted an entirely unscientific, unadjusted, non-random poll on Facebook, and here’s what people responded.  My challenge?  Conduct your own.  Post your results below.  Or just answer: what are you afraid of?

The Question:

Fill in the blanks:

Sometimes in my Judaism I am afraid that people will think I am too ______(religious, lax, dowdy, unintelligent, add your own).

Because of this I am careful with how I ________ (speak, dress, socialize, add you own).

In general, I feel _________(proud, sad, scared, secure, add you own) with this reality. 

The Answers:

Emily:  1) lax/unlearned/careless–it’s kinda all running together with that first blank. 2) speak 3) annoyed

Skylar:  heretical
because I don’t want to be “frum [religious] enough” like they are (since why
WOULDN’T you want to take on every chumrah [stringency]?!) / socialize? / angry and
divisive 

Rivki:   unapproachable/speak and act/burdened, but not in a bad way

Wendy: religious, speak and dress, sad and strange

Lila:  “gullible,” “use G-d language,” “mystified by”

Chris:  dogmatic, communicate, sensitive

Marty:  extreme and hypocritical

Leora:  close-minded….when clearly frum women can be the most open-minded, witty individuals out there…

Alex:  Unobservant; write; ok, as in my heart I know Im doing my best/what’s right for me

Skylar:   Another
one: too politically liberal (since orthodox Jews are supposed to be
Republicans/neo-Cons, right?) / speak and who I share my real opinions
with / delegitimized and like I can’t speak honestly without being
treated like a traitor, idiot, someone who hates Israel, or is not a
“real” orthodox Jew (since I come from a non-Jewish background and/or
have advanced degrees).

Anonymous:  On
one hand, in one community- sometimes I feel too UNOBSERVANT in my
Judaism. Because of this I am careful with how I dress and speak. In
general, I feel happy yet hypocritical with this reality– It feels
right, but it’s not where I am 100% of the time. I don’t feel that I
can or need to explain my life story to everyone I meet, but so it is…

On
the other hand (cue Tevya), in another community, I often feel TOO
observant. Because of this I am careful with how I interact with them
and also in how I act, lest I give them a reason to think me as being
someone who “thinks they’re better”- which is not the case. In general,
that leaves me sad.. and confused.. and wholly INsecure.

Anonymous:  Sometimes in my
Judaism I am afraid that people will think I am too self
assured.
Because of this I am careful with how I communicate.

Anonymous:  Sometimes in my Judaism I am afraid that people will think I am too “heretical/not frum enough.”  Because of this I am careful with how I “dress and speak.”  In general, I feel “insecure and angry” with this reality.

Here’s mine:  Sometimes in my Judaism I am afraid people will think I am too dowdy or frumpy.  Because of this I am careful to walk that very fine line including both fashion and my religious values of modesty.  In general I feel OK with this reality, but wonder if I am really being judged or assessed that way, or if it’s more my overactive imagination.

And now… what are you afraid of?

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized September 17, 2013

Leaning in to Bat Mitzvah

Q. Ruchi, my daughter is becoming Bat Mitzvah, and while we love what you and your husband do, and the joy with which you approach Judaism, it is really important to us that our daughter read from the Torah for her bat mitzvah, and that her mom and female relatives be on the bimah as well. Can you help me understand why the Orthodox don’t do those things?

A. In super-Jewish tradition, I’m going to answer your question with some other questions.

1. For years, both the Reform movement, and, to a lesser extent, the Conservative movement, did not give girls and women the same status as boys and men on the bimah. Even today, some Conservative synagogues,while officially recognizing female clergy, simply do not hire female rabbis or cantors. Why?

2. Women in general are grossly underrepresented in this country in business and politics (yes, I’m reading Lean In, and loving it, by the way). Is there any particular reason for this? Or is just a hugely, embarrassingly widespread cultural black eye?

(Interesting side note: Sheryl Sandberg, who is Jewish, creates a fuzzy link in the beginning of her book between underrepresentation in Judaism for girls, as expressed by the religious perceptions of her old-school grandparents, and her desire to make things right for women – although Judaism has not yet appeared since as a factor in her life. But I’m only halfway through the book.)

3. There are some Orthodox synagogues, that, as matter of policy, do not allow ANY bar mitzvah boys to read from the Torah. Only experienced Torah readers are permitted to do this. In fact, entire Chassidic sects do not follow the practice, focusing the bar mitzvah prep instead on the laws the boy will be obligated in (mostly laying tefillin which will be a new practice for the young boy). Why?

I have no idea what the answers are to questions #1 and 2. I will leave that to those more knowledgeable than me in these areas. But the questions do deflate the original question somewhat, which seems to me to carry this implied message:

Everyone is egalitarian but the Orthodox Jew. Get with the program! Evolve!

Or maybe I’m oversensitive.

But that’s just a side point, really, because the real question remains. Why, oh why, can’t we just give a little and allow the sweet, Jewishly motivated bat mitzvah girl on the bimah so she can feel just as important and special as her male counterpart? Couldn’t we just bend the rules a wee bit?

Let me state this loud and clear: how tempting it would be for us, in terms of recruitment and customer satisfaction, to do just that. Not being able to “provide” the bat mitzvah most people want is the biggest thorn in our side. In fact, there would have to be a really, really good reason, one that is not changing, to get us to keep saying “no” – which, to all business views, has got to be the worst PR decision ever.

Let’s start with question #3 – why would a synagogue not allow boys to read from the Torah?

HALACHAH

The reason is that halachah – the following of Jewish law, as codified in a variety of classic texts – is the benchmark of Orthodox living.  You may have come across this noun in a variety of Hebrew/English conjugations: halachic, halachically, etc. This is the most important thing to understand about Orthodox Jews and Orthodox shuls – they follow halachah.

They follow it with regards to mechitza. They follow it with regards to minyan – 10 adult Jewish males. They follow it with regards to what you read from the Torah when if it is Rosh Chodesh, a fast day, or someone has yahrtzeit. To how to cover the Torah and when. To who says the mi-sheberach and why. To who has priority with an aliyah on which day.

And they follow it out of the synagogue too. It governs what you eat, how you give charity, what you wear, how you disagree with a parent, how to light a yahrtzeit candle, how to shake a lulav, when to cut someone out of your life, whom to hire when two people want the job.

Halachah states that hearing the Torah reading each Saturday morning (oh, and Monday and Thursday mornings too) is an obligation for adult Jewish males. That means if they miss it, they better have a good reason, because God is going to ask them one fine day when they get upstairs. Obligation first, privilege and honor second.

The fact is that if there is a cute 13-year-old reading Torah, he will very likely make mistakes. It may become questionable if the the reading was kosher. All the people in the room may have reneged on their obligation. Yes, we take this stuff seriously, because we believe it really matters whether our obligation was discharged. That’s why we’re there, and that’s how we roll.

There is a rule in halachah that if someone is not obligated in a particular mitzvah, he or she is unable to discharge others via their performance. Example: in halachah, we are obligated to say a blessing before we eat food. If two people are eating challah, for example, one can say the blessing hamotzie, and the other can say “amen” and the former has discharged the obligation of the latter. They can both eat and enjoy. Dip it in honey or hummus or whatever floats your boat. However, a child cannot say hamotzie for an adult, because the child (under bar or bat mitzvah) is not obligated.

In fact, at my daughter’s bat mitzvah, she said the motzie aloud for everyone, and everyone said “Amen” and dug in – this was to demonstrate that it was her first opportunity to discharge the obligation of others via her new status.

This is one technical halachic reason that girls do not read from the Torah in an Orthodox, halachic service. They are not technically obligated and thus cannot discharge the obligation for others. There are some more interesting thoughts here, especially in the comment section.

But there are two more things I want to say on the subject.

DIAL IT DOWN, BOYS

I have a bar mitzvah coming up for my own son. He is not reading from the Torah for various reasons. Oh… how I wish I could celebrate his bar mitzvah the way I celebrated my daughters’ bat mitzvahs. Small party in our home for family and friends.

Nope, it’s not culturally accepted in my circles, so I’m not doing that (go ahead and call me a wimp) but honestly… I believe ALL bnei mitzvah have gotten too elaborate. And I’m not even talking about the party! I’m talking about hosting an entire weekend shebang, out of budget for so many, unheard of until recent history, for a child who is typically too young to get it.

Oh, I’ll enjoy it. It will be so wonderful to spend time with family and friends. But in the greater scheme of Jewish living, this is not the climax it’s given credit for.

BIGGER PICTURE

It’s no secret that all streams of Judaism are asking the questions of how to keep their youth engaged. And bnei mitzvah specifically is studied in depth in heterodox movements in terms of retention, celebration, messages sent to the youth, and residual feelings of connection, and I applaud this. A recent New York times article included this one, almost breezy, dismissive line:

“Orthodox Jews, who have day schools and do not have equivalent retention problems, are not part of the initiative.”

Ok, whatever, New York Times. Orthodox Jews are not the only ones who have day schools, but you’ve done a good job with the fact, if not the reason. Why do Orthodox Jews not have equivalent retention problems?

Let’s use me as a case study. Not very scientific, I know. I grew up Orthodox. I was Bat Mitzvahed my way. My synagogue was not egal. Yet, I consider myself a joyful, knowledgeable and empowered Jew. I have access and drive and information and practice to learn and observe. If I don’t know something in Judaism, I know exactly how to find out.  In fact, many of my less knowledgeable friends, who turn to me for information and guidance, DID read from the Torah as girls.

I view the halachic structure in Judaism as an elaborate science. Many have tinkered with this piece or that to arrive at a final structure that is more in line with other values – even Jewish values. But if you tinker with science, things, sometimes unforeseen things, happen. Many view religion as an art and not as a science. That’s fine. There are many artful things about religion – in fact, often that’s what I love about it. But when there’s buy-in to the halachic process as a science, it is largely untinkerable.

Oh, we’ll work with bat mitzvah girls however we can within the rubric of halachah.  A havdalah service, for example, is a perfect solution, because halachically it does not require the presence of a minyan, whereas Torah reading does.  

I suppose you can look at my life and that of my Orthodox counterparts and cite other reasons for our strong identity and observance that have nothing to do with not reading from the Torah. But to me, it’s one and the same – the commitment to not change the basic halachic structure, even where, based on modern mores, it seems silly and even arcane. The long view of Jewish history bears out the New York Times’ observation, shared by many heterodox scholars, that Orthodox retention is in a league of its own, and I say halachah has everything to do with it.  And I don’t think it’s all about the Orthodox. I would add that to the degree that there is knowledgeable and joyous fidelity to halachah, no matter what, retention, identification, and affiliation are not far away.

In other words, us Orthodox gals are not who we are despite following halachah, but rather because of it. That not reading from the Torah as part of a bigger picture has made me more Jewish, not less.

And this is really why we will never change our minds about bat mitzvah, frustrating though it is. Even if it means, sadly, losing a few members along the way. Because to us, halachah is and always will be a package deal – for a very, very good reason.

Note: due to the sensitive nature of this post, I am considering allowing comments but not responding to them. Time will tell.