Browsing Tag

how-to Judaism

Uncategorized September 23, 2011

The Jewish Family Experience (JFX)

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to blog about JFX.

JFX is an organization that my husband and I and some friends began 7 years ago.  We were back in Cleveland after having lived in Israel and Buffalo Grove, IL, and were running some Torah classes with some folks that my husband had met at bris ceremonies.  And they said:  “Who knew Judaism was so cool???  Will you teach our kids?”

And we said: “Yes!”

And JFX was born.

At this point we run 10 different kinds of programs such as Sunday school, Shabbat events, Bnei mitzvah, holiday celebrations, classes of all kinds, and Israel trips.  And that’s all very cool, and you can check it all out on our (shameless promo) website: www.jewishfamilyexperience.org.  Be sure to check out the blog too – it’s fun.

But that’s just the face of JFX.  There’s a whole other part to us:  the soul.

Basically, we’re a family.  A community.  My husband and I, we’re like the parents.  And then there’s all this extended family.  They’re all my friends.  We like hanging out with each other.  We invite them for Shabbos and they invite each other.  We take care of each other in joys and sorrows.  No, we’re not all the same.  Some keep Shabbat and some go to Vegas Friday night.  Some keep kosher and others… don’t.  Some don’t gossip and some wear skirts.  Some kids’ go to day school and some to Hawken and some to public school.  Some wear kippahs and some lay tefillin and some are atheists.  But, I dunno, it works.

We’re not afraid to tackle some serious issues: G-d?  Developing a relationship with Him?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do good people do bad things?

And we all are investing our kishkes into our kids.  Making sure they stay Jewish.  Making sure they love it.  Making sure they find it cool, fun, and awesome.  Making sure they know the Rabbi’s cell phone number.

JFX is so special to me.  I feel humbled and loved and enveloped and grateful.

JFX… I love you.

Uncategorized September 21, 2011

Help! I’m Freaking Myself Out

Received this email from a reader… Advice?  Thoughts?  Have you been there?

Good morning Ruchi,

I wanted to thank you for so many wonderful blog posts. I have learned a lot from your blog, as well as the people who respond to you. When we met… we both saw some striking differences between our “growing up” years. The one example that I mentioned was that I had only dated one Jewish man (he was a confirmed Atheist).

As summer has moved forward, I am back to learning several days a week. There are moments, and even hours, that I feel safe, comfortable, and “at home” with my return to Jewish learning and growing. There are other moments and hours, that I can feel overwhelmed, and needing to come back to my house, literally, so that I can re-gain and re-integrate the ME that is changing. I love that I can lock my door! 

Last year I became overwhelmed with the amount and content of learning I was doing. It was just after Succos that I called some friends, and said, I need a break. Please don’t invite me for Shabbos.

What I learned from that experience, is that I need to pace myself! VERY IMPORTANT LESSON.

I am starting to feel that way again. I see classes that look interesting, so I go, I have purchased more skirts, and tops that have a higher neck lines (this is a big deal for me). I am going to homes for both Shabbos dinner, as well as Shabbos lunch. I love this part very much. I don’t have a female person in my life that can really walk with me, and help me with my questions and challenges. The friends that I do ask, have been Frum (observant) for so many years, that I feel heard, but not understood.

Many times, I have wanted to call you, and talk with you personally about my journey into Judaism. Pacing, pause, digesting. I sometimes just ride the horse until we are both worn out, and then need to pause. I just don’t want to stop [completely].


What would be really helpful is to know exactly what pages to bench (NCSY version if possible). I want to learn the meaning of the Siddur, not just the words. They are rich with deeper meaning and reasoning. I want to know WHY I am doing WHAT I am doing. I am losing track of what is helpful to read during the day and evening. At this point, I need sticky tabs to help me. I don’t want to fake that I know what I am doing. I sort of do, but I really need assistance.

I did meet with a Rabbi a few times to explain more in-depth meanings of some of the readings. It was helpful. Appropriately, there was a monetary fee for the Rabbi’s individual hour and  I don’t really want to do that right now. Again, I have a strong need and desire to understand what I am reading, and the deeper meaning behind what our Sages wrote. Otherwise, the literal reading leaves me unsatisfied and yearning for more.

PS I am also attempting to learn Hebrew with [my study partner]. We are singing the alphabet! My post graduate degree doesn’t help in this area, and I find learning frustrating, hard, challenging. No wonder I zoned out when I was a kid!


What do you say, readers?  
Too fast/too slow?  
Freaking yourself out/freaking others out?  
Healthy growth/slow growth/stagnation/reaching a plateau?

Uncategorized September 12, 2011

Cholent, Luncheon of Champions

Cholent is a food that at first seems like a simple Jewish chili.

Don’t be fooled.

Cholent is customarily eaten by Shabbat-observant Jews at lunch on Saturday.  It is such a powerful food that its mention will evoke groans, giggles, rapid salivation, the urgent need to take a nap, and the motivation to break a diet or vegan streak.

When it is eaten may be broken down by who you are: classically by yeshiva guys, in anticipation of Shabbat, anytime from Thursday night forward; by semi-normal people AFTER dessert following Shabbat dinner Friday night; by normal folk at lunch; and by hungry carnivorous husbands, as leftovers anytime from Shabbat on through Thursday of the next week.

It appears in different varieties, depending if a Jew’s genealogy stems from Germany, Poland, Italy, Morocco or what-have-you.

OK – here are some FAQ’s.

Q. Why do Jews eat cholent?

A. Years ago back in the day there was a group of Jews known as the Karaites.  They had a philosophical belief that the Oral Law was not divine, but that the Written Law was divine.  Well, the Written Law states, “Do not burn a fire in your homes on Shabbat.”  The Oral Law explains: don’t ignite it, but you can have it burning from before Shabbat.  The Karaites observed Shabbat by sitting in a cold, dark home and eating cold food.  The Jews that believed in the Oral Law developed a custom to eat a food, that had been simmering from before Shabbat to emphasize that according to the Oral Law, this is how God wants us to both observe and celebrate Shabbat (which are not the same thing, btw).

Q. What on earth does “cholent” mean?  

A. Some say it comes from chaud (“hot”) and lent (“slow”), expressing the point of cholent: that it be hot, and been cooking since Friday.

Q. What are some other things you can tell us about cholent??

A. 

  • It’s the ultimate comfort food.  When I smell it, I am brought back in time to the many, many Shabbos meals I’ve experienced in my life.  When I wake up Shabbos morning and smell it cooking, all seems right with the world.  If Shabbos had a smell, it would be the cholent simmering away. 
  • Many conversations center around it: did it come out watery or more stew-like, spicy or savory, did my husband throw in some jalapeno sauce when no one was looking? 
  • “They say” the cholent depends on the guests… if the guest are good, the cholent will be good.  I doubt this is true, but it makes for excellent conversation (when the guests compliment the cholent, that is).
  • Babies LOVE it.  It’s mushy and savory.  They can put the hungriest teenage boy to shame in a cholent-off.
Q. How do you make this super-food?
A. The easiest way to make cholent is with a crock pot, but it can be done without.  Here’s my personal recipe.  My husband tends to jack it up with barbeque sauce, bone suckin’ sauce, and other interesting condiments when I’m not looking, so if yours turns out nothing like mine, sorry.  Yield: a normal hungry family, a family with guests if you’re not starving, or one yeshiva guy.
Ingredients:
1 package short ribs (aka “flanken”) – see below for meatless variation
3 potatoes – either white or sweet, or a combo
1/2 cup beans – navy, kidney, or any combo.  They must be RAW; not from a can.
1/2 cup barley
one onion, quartered
water to cover
salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder
ketchup
With crock pot:
Place all ingredients and add water to cover.  Turn on high anytime on Friday.  Cook on high for at least 2-3 hours.  Before Shabbat, add more water to cover if it’s dry, lower crock pot to “warm” or “simmer” and ignore till lunch.  DO NOT STIR.  Ancient Jewish wisdom teaches that stirring cholent creates negative spiritual energies (joke).
Also: you’ll have to play around with your crock pot to get it right.  Don’t fret.  It took me about a year to get it right.
In a pot:
Follow crock pot ingredients.  Bring to a boil, and cook for 2 hours.  Lower to simmer.  Prior to Shabbat, add water if necessary and place in oven at 225.  Ignore till lunch.
Note: your pot will be a bear to clean, so here’s another trick.  After it’s been cooking, transfer to a disposable tin and place in oven at 225.  Then, after serving, you can dump the pan.
Vegan cholent:
Follow all instructions and ingredients; simply omit the meat.  I use only sweet potatoes when making vegan cholent to add flavor.  I also add some beans and barley.  It’s really good!
Happy cholenting!
Have you ever tried cholent?

Uncategorized September 2, 2011

More Ortho-isms: The Abbreviation Quagmire

So not only are there all these Hebrew words and phrases that people expect you to understand, there are ABBREVIATIONS for them.  In Hebrew, and, thanks to Facebook and texting, in English.  Yes.  That’s right.  Obscure Hebrew and Yiddish phrases, abbreviated into English.  What, you find that confusing?

So for the benefit of all my readers, here goes:
*Note: the quotation marks are an approximation of two small lines that appear in the Hebrew abbreviations, similar to the apostrophe used for a contraction in English.  The difference is that these abbreviations are not really contractions OR abbreviations, but rather acronyms.  However, in Facebook and textese, the quote marks are generally dropped.  What, you find that confusing?

1. BDE

It stands for:
Baruch dayan emes, which means “Blessed is the true judge” in Hebrew.

Usage:
This phrase is used when you’ve heard that someone has passed away.  The following Facebook post, for example: “So sorry to hear about your grandpa!  BDE!  How are you guys doing??”
When you are in the know, you will know exactly what happened to Grandpa and not be stuck posting things like: “???”  “What happened??”  “Does he need help?”

The significance:
Judaism teaches that we must bless God for the bad as well as the good.  Quintessential bad news is that someone has died; therefore the custom has arisen to bless God, as the true Judge, even when the news is truly lousy.

2. BSH”T or BSHT”UM or some such combo

It stands for:
B’shaah tova, which is Hebrew for “may it be in a good [fortunate] moment,” or “Bshaah tova u’mutzlachas/t” which means “may it be in a good and successful moment.”

Usage:
This phrase is used when you hear that someone is pregnant, or when they tell you they are.  NOTE: Not when you see someone and think they’re pregnant.  Just ignore that thought right off the bat.  Example:
Text – hey do u know any birthing coaches im like due any day
Reply – seriously!!!  bsht!  I had no clue!

The significance:
Most people think you wish “Mazel tov” here but that is actually an error.  Mazel tov is said when the baby is born – the notion here is that we, ah, don’t count our chickens before they hatch.  Put another way, it’s considered presumptious to just assume that everything will be fine – so we wish that when the good news does, actually happen – it should be just the right time, not too soon and not too late.

3. B”H, IY”H, B”N – see  #1, 2, 3 respectively here.

4. BS”D

It stands for:
B’siyata d’shmaya, which is Aramaic (oh yeah, I forgot to mention there is a third language to contend with here…) for “with the help of Heaven.”

Usage:
This phrase is used in abbreviated form in either Hebrew or English letters at the top of a page to indicate that the work or planning that went into whatever is written on the paper was done with God’s help; or it’s used conversationally, indicating that God’s help is needed in our lives. 
Example: “The whole renovation was literally b’siyata d’shmaya – every time I needed to pick something out, I found it on sale somewhere!”

The significance:
Judaism teaches that we need God’s help for success in any endeavor.  This phrase reminds us and others that we don’t take credit for our achievements – God’s help was and is key.

5. ZT”L/OBM/A”H

I KNOW THESE DO NOT LOOK LIKE SYNONYMS.
They don’t even look remotely related.  Yet they all refer to roughly the same thing.

It stands for:
ZT”L: Zecher tzaddik l’vracha – Hebrew for “may the righteous one be remembered for a blessing.”  Used more when referencing a known scholar or Torah sage.
OBM – Of blessed memory.  That was an easy one.
A”H: Alav (or aleha) hashalom – Hebrew for “may peace rest upon him/her” – you got it, it’s what we say when referencing someone that has passed away.

Usage:
This phrase is used both in speech and writing.  You may notice the ubiquitous OBM on a yahrtzeit plaque, whereas ZTL or AH would appear in a publication more geared for the Hebrew-and-Yiddish-familiar-public.  Example: can’t believe today is my grandpa’s ah yarhtzeit already… miss him so much!!!


The significance:
Judaism teaches that a person who passes away does not disappear – his/her memory brings blessings to the world.  Also, his/her soul, we pray, finds peace in the world to come.  Yes, Judaism believes in heaven and hell – another talk for another day.

6. FFB

It stands for:
Frum from birth.  “Frum” is a Yiddish word that is synonymous with religiously observant, or Orthodox.

Usage:
This phrase is used identify oneself as having grown up Orthodox one’s whole life, as opposed to BT – see #7.

The significance:
Not so much significance here, other than eating your pasta with ketchup instead of marinara and drinking seltzer and having pizza with fries (I’m learning).  Also talking like a New Yorker even if you’re not one, and bungling various prepositions due to your ancestors having spoken Yiddish as their first language.

7. BT

It stands for:
Baal teshuva, or baalas/t teshuva.  This literally means “master of return” – returning to one’s authentic self, or to the ways of one’s ancestors.  It refers to someone who becomes observant in their adult life.

Usage:
“Hey – are you FFB or BT?”
Note: some people don’t mind being organized this way, and some do.  If you find that people are vague while you’re trying to play Jewish geography, keep this in mind.  Some people find their background and history cool, and some would rather bury some of the memories.  Tread carefully.

The significance:
Judaism teaches that people who make significant changes in their lives in order to reach a deeper spiritual place, will merit unprecedented reward.  I find  that kind of cool.  I get no credit for bypassing McDonald’s, but someone who still craves it, gets lots.

That having been said, I’ll wish you all a lovely Shabbat… ttyl, ffb’s, bt’s, and jig (jews in general)!

Uncategorized August 31, 2011

Ortho-isms

To facilitate love, peace, and common language, below please find a list of common words and phrases in the Ortho-dialect:

1. Baruch Hashem 

Pronounced: 

Ba-RUCH ha-SHEM.  Often mispronounced as one word: “bruchashem.”

It means:

“Blessed is God” and is often used to respond to the questions, “How are you?” “How was your day?” or “What’s happening?”  It’s meant to give thanks to God that we are doing OK, or even if we’re not.  Depending on context and the speaker, it can be used synonymously with: “Great, thank God,” “Terrible, thank God,” or even “Let’s not go there.”

This phrase is important because:

It recognizes a basic belief in Judaism – that everything that happens comes from God and He must be thanked and recognized.

English alternative:

Thank God.  (Note: this too has the powerful ability to freak people out, as it contains the G-word, so tread carefully.)

Fun trivia: some newly religious Jews famously use this phrase as often as teens say “whatever”; many religious Jews have this phrase so ingrained in their instinctive vocabulary that they are completely unaware when their listeners have no idea what it means, and are, in fact, freaked out by its repetitive usage.

2. Im yirtzeh Hashem

Pronounced:

Im-YEAR-tzeh ha-SHEM.  Often mispronounced as one word: “MEAR-tza-SHEM.”

It means:

“If God will desire it to be” and is often used in conjunction with making plans, large or small.  It’s meant to acknowledge that, in fact, man plans and God laughs, or at least has a say in what actually will come to fruition and what will not, and that us humans are fallible and myopic.  Usage: “Sure, see you at Starbucks tomorrow at 3 then, im yirtzeh Hashem.”  Or: “I would really like to become a surgeon one day, im yirtzeh Hashem.“

This phrase is important because:

It recognizes that God is in charge of life.

English alternative:

God willing, please God (this is such a cute phrase; seems to be indigenous to South Africa.)  Note: this too has the powerful ability to freak people out; see #1.

Fun trivia:
Sometimes I will just think this phrase in my head and not actually say it, if I sense my audience may, indeed, freak out, but I don’t want to be disloyal to my beliefs that this must be somehow acknowledged.

3. Bli neder

Pronounced:
Blee NEH-der


It means:
“Without a promise” and is often used when committing to do something, go somewhere, etc.
Usage: “I will make you two cakes for the party, bli neder.”

This phrase is important because:
Judaism teaches that the words that come out of our mouths are powerful, and that if we don’t stipulate that a vow is not intended, we may stand in violation of a promise made and not kept.  This is very serious in Jewish philosophy, so the phrase states clearly that this is not a promise and not a vow.

English alternative:

I’ll try my best.

4. Vort

Pronounced:
Phonetically (!)

It means: 
“Word” and is often used to describe, believe it or not, an engagement party.  It literally refers to the “word” of Torah (the Hebrew equivalent would be “dvar [Torah]” which means a word of Torah) that the groom says at the party to make his fiancee so proud of the Torah scholar she is marrying.  Usage: “I’m out of town next week – I’m going to NY for my sister’s vort.”

This phrase is important because:
Marriage is a super-important milestone in Judaism, and the beginning of that journey is engagement.  So, we celebrate!  How?  With lots of food, and words of Torah.

English alternative:

Engagement party (but it doesn’t really do justice).

Fun trivia: 
Non-Orthodox folk are generally surprised at how many vorts we go to!

5. Gut voch/shavua tov

Pronounced:
Gut VUCH (yiddish) or sha-VOO-ah TOV (Hebrew)

It means:
“Good week” and is used Saturday night after Havdala to wish one another that the upcoming week be a good one.  Usage: “Gut voch!  Shavua tov!  Who wants to go out for pizza?”  “Hi, gut voch – is there Sunday school tomorrow?”

This phrase is important because:
It is the transition from the Shabbat to the mundane week – it is also a blessing of goodwill – always appreciated.

English alternative: 

Have a great week (but it doesn’t really do justice either).

Fun trivia: 
Saturday night, when this wish is generally offered, has its own special name: Motzei Shabbos – literally, the outcome of Shabbat.  Nice way to look at it.  I’ve heard that perhaps the reason that people have the “itch” to go out Saturday night (whether they’ve observed Shabbat or not) is that there is an “extra soul” that visits us over Shabbat, and it departs with Havdala, leaving us feeling kind of empty and itchy for action.

So, baruch Hashem that’s it for now!  I’ll post more of these, im yirtzeh Hashem in the future, bli neder – right after I get back from my sister’s vort!
Shavua tov, all! 

What are your favorite Ortho-isms?



Uncategorized August 28, 2011

10 Things To Do On Shabbat

It seems that everyone knows what we ortho-folk DON’T do on Shabbat.

Drive.

Tear toilet paper.

Cook.

Shop.

Check email.  Talk on our phones.  Listen to music.  Watch TV.  Oh yeah.  We don’t have a TV.

But do we sit around in a cold, dark, silent house all day in a state of hunger?  On my no.

Here are some of our favorite Shabbat activities, and why we look forward to this day all week.

1. SCHMOOZE
It’s the one day of the week when no one’s rushing anywhere.  So we have time to catch up on all our leisurely conversations, fill each other in on stuff we experienced that week, share feelings and impressions, and just shoot the breeze with the kids in an unhurried, companionable atmosphere.  For people that love to chat (me) this is awesome.

2. SNOOZE
We go to sleep early Friday night.  We sleep in Shabbat morning.  We take a nap Shabbat afternoon.  Need I elaborate?

3. PRAY
OK, if you’re not into God and stuff, just skip this one.  But for us, this is a special time to reconnect with our Creator.  We talk to Him, whether at synagogue or at home.  We have more time to focus on spirituality, and all the other distractions are stripped away.  At services, there’s lots of special tunes and songs that say, in a very deep way, Shabbat is here again.

4. PLAY
We play games!  Our family favorites: currently we are obsessed with bananagrams.  Okay, I am.  And I make everyone else play.  We also like Secret Seven, card tricks, Backgammon, and Perpetual Commotion.  The kids like Risk, Monopoly, Life, and Othello.  Oldies but goodies.

5. EAT
We have three leisurely meals.  Sorry I keep using that word but it’s so annoyingly accurate.  We enjoy Friday night dinner – it usually lasts two hours.  Remember: no sports.  No phones.  No texting.  No Facebook.  It’s multi-course and wonderful.  Less famous is Shabbat lunch.  Also usually two hours.  This has the added advantage of involving cholent.  I may just need to devote an entire post to cholent.  Extremely un-famous: the Third Meal, aka dinner.  Also goes by its Hebrew name “Seudah Shlishit” (si-oo-DAH shlee-SHEET.  Translation: the Third Meal) and in the corrupted vernacular, “Shalushudis” (sha-li-SHU-dis).  That’s a lot of food.

6. TREAT
No, this is not exactly the same as EAT.  We save most of our junk food indulgences for Shabbat.  Like Oreos.  Fruity Pebbles.  Doughnuts (my husband’s personal fave) from Unger’s or Lax.  Soft drinks.  Yeah, that’s fun, once a week.  If we did it every day, it would be gross, unhealthy, expensive, and not appreciated. Once a week, it’s our special Shabbat indulgence.

7. READ
This is the time of the week we sit around on the couch and read.  What do we read?  We get some Jewish periodicals that we save just for Shabbat.  Or re-read old favorites.  We might do some Jewish texts that we don’t get a chance to check out during the week, when most of (my) reading takes place on my droid or PC.  I read books to the kids.  It’s a whole culture of reading, and we love it.  We read after I light the candles and again after dinner, and again in the afternoon.  We work around the sleeping (see #2).

8. VISIT
I run across the street or next door to visit my neighbors for a spontaneous chat.  How quaint is THAT??  Or we sit out on someone’s lawn.  Or we might walk over as a family to pop in on a friend.  No one expects you to call first; it’s Shabbat.  So this is normal.  The kids run over to friends or their friends hang out here.  All unplanned, unscheduled and mutual.  Love it.

9. SING
OK.  I know for some people this is weirdness, man.  But Shabbat is like spiritual Woodstock for us (oxymoron?), every week.  We hang around during or after meals to… sing.  We hum wordless Chassidic tunes, sing Hebrew ditties from thousands of years ago, and do the Birkat Hamazon (also called “bentching” – this is Yiddish for blessing) which takes us like five full minutes and has tunes for every part of it.  We do slow songs with harmonies, fast songs with table-pounding, and everything in between.  Sometimes the kids learn a new song at school and teach it to us.  Disclosure: when we have guests that are unfamiliar or weirded out by this, we curtail the singing.  Wanna make everyone comfy.

10. STROLL
We take walks almost every Shabbat, no matter what the weather.  It might be just my husband and me, after dinner, or the whole family in the afternoon.  It might be to visit, or just to walk.  It might be five minutes, or two hours (see: weather).  We usually don’t have a predetermined destination so the whole stop-to-smell-the-roses thing is just built in.

And the most important thing to do on Shabbat is just… to be.  As a very wise man once said, “The whole week we are human doings.  On Shabbat, we are human beings.”

What are some ways your family makes Shabbat special?

Uncategorized August 12, 2011

The 10 Things I Want My Shabbat Guests to Know

If you’ve ever hosted or been hosted at an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner, this one’s for you.
At our last JFX Shabbaton, we had a skit called “Friday night live.”  We played out the incredible misunderstandings and confusion that can arise when Jews for whom Friday night might mean Chinese and a movie are invited to experience an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner.  It was hilarious.

Help!  I’m invited to an Orthodox Shabbat.  Now what??

For those of you that are not familiar, Shabbat-observant folks do not activate electricity or cook or a host of other creative activities, many of which may be surprising to you, on Shabbat.  They have dinner that also involves singing (not kumbaya), “washing” (not with soap), “benching” (that doesn’t involve a bench) and some other quasi-freaky stuff.  To be sure, the dinner is usually delicious, the atmosphere divine (assuming the kids don’t fight too much and the guests don’t radically disagree about politics and you haven’t mistakenly seated a doctor and attorney directly across the table from one another), the guests and hosts well-meaning, etc.  Nevertheless some clarity is in order, as expectations and assumptions on either side may well be…. insanely divergent.

Here are 10 things I’d like MY Shabbos guests to know:

(As an aside: I use the terms Shabbat and Shabbos interchangeably; both refer to the Jewish Sabbath as it is observed according to Jewish law from sundown on Friday or even a bit earlier, to nightfall on Saturday night.)

1.  I know you may have driven to my home.    It’s a little awkward, because I don’t drive on Shabbos, and you do.  The question of whether a Shabbat-observant Jew is allowed to invite a fellow Jew over on Shabbat, when it’s obvious that he will drive, is actually the subject of intense halachic debate.  On the one hand, better to drive to celebrate Shabbat than to drive to the mall – no?  On the other hand, may I be the instrument of the drive?  So “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way we deal with it.  Because even if I follow the opinion that I can invite you despite the drive, it’s much better if I don’t have to give explicit permission.  Which is why I try to avoid the topic!

2.  I really appreciate the fact that you didn’t park in my driveway.  When you parked around the block and walked, you may have felt like an imposter but I viewed it as a respectful act of not wishing to disturb the Shabbat atmosphere that exists in the neighborhood.  Thank you!  And if you really did walk all the way – double thank you!  You’ve honored your hosts and Shabbat, all in one.

3. So the flowers you brought to dinner, and I kinda left them hanging out on the counter?  You’re so sweet to bring them… but I can’t put flowers into water on Shabbos.  It’s part of the creative process of growing plants.  I felt uncomfortable, but didn’t want to make you feel worse about not knowing, so I just decided to hope you didn’t notice. (More suggestions here for what guests can bring.)

4. It’s really OK with me that your kids are coloring and playing piano, activities that are not allowed on Shabbat.  I know you don’t observe Shabbos the way I do.  They’re only kids.  My kids do that too, and I overlook it because they’re only kids, even though mine ARE brought up with Shabbos.  Don’t worry.

5.  Yes, you’re allowed to flush the toilet on Shabbos.

6.  I’m a little hesitant to ask you if you’d like help with lighting candles or “washing” hands before challah.  See, if these customs are familiar to you, I don’t want it to seem like I think you’re ignorant.  But if they’re not, I don’t want to be a bad host and not offer you info and help.  It’s hard for me to know how to strike the balance.  I’m not clairvoyant, so I don’t know how much you know.  I hope you’ll be OK with my mistakes.

7. If anything seems unusual, please ask!  It’s not rude or disrespectful and it makes me so happy that you are asking so the lines of communication can be open.  I don’t want my life to be inscrutable to you.  Please feel free to ask.  Really.

8. It’s great when you involve my kids in the conversation.  See, I’m trying to strike the balance between paying attention to them and paying attention to you, so if you pay attention to them, it’s win-win-win.

9. It’s so sweet when you offer to bring something.  I know you don’t keep kosher so please don’t feel bad if I just ask you to bring flowers or dessert from a kosher bakery.  You might want to check with me which bakery is kosher because “Farbstein’s Kosher Rugeleh Shop” may not, in fact, be kosher.  Also, many people serve meat or chicken at Shabbos dinner and therefore would not serve dairy at dessert, even if it’s not together.  Just good to know.

10.  What we really want is for you to have a nice time.  Relax, don’t worry so much about the rules, and just try to have fun.  We know you may not be familiar with the customs and that’s OK!  We like you and that’s what matters.

11. I know I said ten but I couldn’t resist.  If you’ve spent time avoiding my invitation, deleting my email, ignoring my voicemail, and pretending you didn’t check Facebook, please know that if you do, indeed, accept my invitation, you may actually have a very nice time.

What are some things you’d like your guests or hosts to know?