shabbat Archives - Page 3 of 3 - Out of the Ortho Box

Uncategorized September 6, 2011

Queens Girl, Cleveland Girl

One of the most awesome parts, and one of the worst parts, of being Orthodox, is living in a community. Especially a small community. Like Cleveland, which has recently been deemed a very “genuine” place to live.

Now, granted, you can technically be Orthodox and live wherever you want, but it means you may not be able to go to shul (synagogue) or easily obtain kosher food. You could certainly eat fruits, veggies, grains, etc., and you could certainly do your praying and your Shabbat solo, but you might feel much more isolated – we were meant to support one another in this Jewish journey.

So what do I love about living in a small community?

People care if you exist.

This means they notice if you are out of town, they ask you why you decided to switch your kids’ schools, and they are happy to see you when the weather gets warm. Your existence matters to the PTA, the minyan, and the local Jewish vendors such as the butcher, baker and candlestick maker. Okay, so in 2012 that’s the neighbor that cuts hair and waxes eyebrows, the neighbor that does my wig, the neighbor that sells accessories in her basement, and the neighbor that owns the local kosher grocery.

This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Originally from Queens, many of my relatives live in virtual anonymity on the east coast. If they drop into one minyan or another, it’s not likely anyone will notice. If they attend this or that simcha, it’s not likely anyone will notice. If they buy their groceries at this corner store or the next… big deal; there’s way too much traffic for anyone to take note.

I like it that people care; that my presence and purchases matter; that the schools want more rather than fewer kids. I like it that my neighbors know when I’m on my own because my husband is out of town for a few and that we’ve been away for a holiday or forgot that it was a holiday weekend and took the garbage out too early or forgot to close the car windows and it was raining, all of which are true stories that have actually happened to me. I married a Cleveland boy from down the street. The whole city was delighted when we announced our engagement. It was so… shtetl-like. In a good way.

So what don’t I love about living in a small community?

People know everything about you.

This means they notice if you are out of town, and they ask you why you decided to switch your kids’ schools. Your existence is noted by the PTA, the minyan, and the local Jewish vendors such as the butcher, baker and candlestick maker. Okay, so in 2012 that’s the neighbor that cuts hair and waxes eyebrows, the neighbor that does my wig, the neighbor that sells accessories in her basement, and the neighbor that owns the local kosher grocery. And it can be awkward when you patronize one friend over another, one school over another, one minyan over another – when they are all neighbors and community members.

If you teach in a community school, or do business in the community, you see your students/bosses/clients everywhere you go. This can, indeed, be awkward.

There is an interesting mitzvah to patronize a fellow Jew’s business wherever possible. If we don’t look out for each other, who will look out for us? So I am patently aware of this when the local Jewish vendor is right next to me in the carpool line.

But I would never trade what I have in my community. When someone gives birth, celebrates a bar or bat mitzvah, or wedding, or is new to town, the community roars to life. They send over dinners, they invite my kids over to play, they send over teen volunteers, and they take over carpools. I have been brought to tears at the incredible warmth and support in my community. And I mean personally, and organizationally, via the various non-profits established to support families in financial need, medical need, special ed need, and the list is limited only by the imagination.

So this Queens girl is quite proud to call this small town home. Thanks, Cleveland, for being such a special place to live and to raise my family. And for being, oh, so genuine.

Uncategorized August 28, 2011

10 Things To Do On Shabbat

It seems that everyone knows what we ortho-folk DON’T do on Shabbat.

Drive.

Tear toilet paper.

Cook.

Shop.

Check email. Talk on our phones. Listen to music. Watch TV. Oh yeah. We don’t have a TV.

But do we sit around in a cold, dark, silent house all day in a state of hunger? On my no.

Here are some of our favorite Shabbat activities, and why we look forward to this day all week.

1. SCHMOOZE
It’s the one day of the week when no one’s rushing anywhere. So we have time to catch up on all our leisurely conversations, fill each other in on stuff we experienced that week, share feelings and impressions, and just shoot the breeze with the kids in an unhurried, companionable atmosphere. For people that love to chat (me) this is awesome.

2. SNOOZE
We go to sleep early Friday night. We sleep in Shabbat morning. We take a nap Shabbat afternoon. Need I elaborate?

3. PRAY
OK, if you’re not into God and stuff, just skip this one. But for us, this is a special time to reconnect with our Creator. We talk to Him, whether at synagogue or at home. We have more time to focus on spirituality, and all the other distractions are stripped away. At services, there’s lots of special tunes and songs that say, in a very deep way, Shabbat is here again.

4. PLAY
We play games! Our family favorites: currently we are obsessed with bananagrams. Okay, I am. And I make everyone else play. We also like Secret Seven, card tricks, Backgammon, and Perpetual Commotion. The kids like Risk, Monopoly, Life, and Othello. Oldies but goodies.

5. EAT
We have three leisurely meals. Sorry I keep using that word but it’s so annoyingly accurate. We enjoy Friday night dinner – it usually lasts two hours. Remember: no sports. No phones. No texting. No Facebook. It’s multi-course and wonderful. Less famous is Shabbat lunch. Also usually two hours. This has the added advantage of involving cholent. I may just need to devote an entire post to cholent. Extremely un-famous: the Third Meal, aka dinner. Also goes by its Hebrew name “Seudah Shlishit” (si-oo-DAH shlee-SHEET. Translation: the Third Meal) and in the corrupted vernacular, “Shalushudis” (sha-li-SHU-dis). That’s a lot of food.

6. TREAT
No, this is not exactly the same as EAT. We save most of our junk food indulgences for Shabbat. Like Oreos. Fruity Pebbles. Doughnuts (my husband’s personal fave) from Unger’s or Lax. Soft drinks. Yeah, that’s fun, once a week. If we did it every day, it would be gross, unhealthy, expensive, and not appreciated. Once a week, it’s our special Shabbat indulgence.

7. READ
This is the time of the week we sit around on the couch and read. What do we read? We get some Jewish periodicals that we save just for Shabbat. Or re-read old favorites. We might do some Jewish texts that we don’t get a chance to check out during the week, when most of (my) reading takes place on my droid or PC. I read books to the kids. It’s a whole culture of reading, and we love it. We read after I light the candles and again after dinner, and again in the afternoon. We work around the sleeping (see #2).

8. VISIT
I run across the street or next door to visit my neighbors for a spontaneous chat. How quaint is THAT?? Or we sit out on someone’s lawn. Or we might walk over as a family to pop in on a friend. No one expects you to call first; it’s Shabbat. So this is normal. The kids run over to friends or their friends hang out here. All unplanned, unscheduled and mutual. Love it.

9. SING
OK. I know for some people this is weirdness, man. But Shabbat is like spiritual Woodstock for us (oxymoron?), every week. We hang around during or after meals to… sing. We hum wordless Chassidic tunes, sing Hebrew ditties from thousands of years ago, and do the Birkat Hamazon (also called “bentching” – this is Yiddish for blessing) which takes us like five full minutes and has tunes for every part of it. We do slow songs with harmonies, fast songs with table-pounding, and everything in between. Sometimes the kids learn a new song at school and teach it to us. Disclosure: when we have guests that are unfamiliar or weirded out by this, we curtail the singing. Wanna make everyone comfy.

10. STROLL
We take walks almost every Shabbat, no matter what the weather. It might be just my husband and me, after dinner, or the whole family in the afternoon. It might be to visit, or just to walk. It might be five minutes, or two hours (see: weather). We usually don’t have a predetermined destination so the whole stop-to-smell-the-roses thing is just built in.

And the most important thing to do on Shabbat is just… to be. As a very wise man once said, “The whole week we are human doings. On Shabbat, we are human beings.”

What are some ways your family makes Shabbat special?

If you’ve ever hosted or been hosted at an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner, this one’s for you.
At our last JFX Shabbaton, we had a skit called “Friday night live.” We played out the incredible misunderstandings and confusion that can arise when Jews for whom Friday night might mean Chinese and a movie are invited to experience an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner. It was hilarious.

Help! I’m invited to an Orthodox Shabbat. Now what??

For those of you that are not familiar, Shabbat-observant folks do not activate electricity or cook or a host of other creative activities, many of which may be surprising to you, on Shabbat. They have dinner that also involves singing (not kumbaya), “washing” (not with soap), “benching” (that doesn’t involve a bench) and some other quasi-freaky stuff. To be sure, the dinner is usually delicious, the atmosphere divine (assuming the kids don’t fight too much and the guests don’t radically disagree about politics and you haven’t mistakenly seated a doctor and attorney directly across the table from one another), the guests and hosts well-meaning, etc. Nevertheless some clarity is in order, as expectations and assumptions on either side may well be…. insanely divergent.

Here are 10 things I’d like MY Shabbos guests to know:

(As an aside: I use the terms Shabbat and Shabbos interchangeably; both refer to the Jewish Sabbath as it is observed according to Jewish law from sundown on Friday or even a bit earlier, to nightfall on Saturday night.)

1. I know you may have driven to my home. It’s a little awkward, because I don’t drive on Shabbos, and you do. The question of whether a Shabbat-observant Jew is allowed to invite a fellow Jew over on Shabbat, when it’s obvious that he will drive, is actually the subject of intense halachic debate. On the one hand, better to drive to celebrate Shabbat than to drive to the mall – no? On the other hand, may I be the instrument of the drive? So “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way we deal with it. Because even if I follow the opinion that I can invite you despite the drive, it’s much better if I don’t have to give explicit permission. Which is why I try to avoid the topic!

2. I really appreciate the fact that you didn’t park in my driveway. When you parked around the block and walked, you may have felt like an imposter but I viewed it as a respectful act of not wishing to disturb the Shabbat atmosphere that exists in the neighborhood. Thank you! And if you really did walk all the way – double thank you! You’ve honored your hosts and Shabbat, all in one.

3. So the flowers you brought to dinner, and I kinda left them hanging out on the counter? You’re so sweet to bring them… but I can’t put flowers into water on Shabbos. It’s part of the creative process of growing plants. I felt uncomfortable, but didn’t want to make you feel worse about not knowing, so I just decided to hope you didn’t notice. (More suggestions here for what guests can bring.)

4. It’s really OK with me that your kids are coloring and playing piano, activities that are not allowed on Shabbat. I know you don’t observe Shabbos the way I do. They’re only kids. My kids do that too, and I overlook it because they’re only kids, even though mine ARE brought up with Shabbos. Don’t worry.

5. Yes, you’re allowed to flush the toilet on Shabbos.

6. I’m a little hesitant to ask you if you’d like help with lighting candles or “washing” hands before challah. See, if these customs are familiar to you, I don’t want it to seem like I think you’re ignorant. But if they’re not, I don’t want to be a bad host and not offer you info and help. It’s hard for me to know how to strike the balance. I’m not clairvoyant, so I don’t know how much you know. I hope you’ll be OK with my mistakes.

7. If anything seems unusual, please ask! It’s not rude or disrespectful and it makes me so happy that you are asking so the lines of communication can be open. I don’t want my life to be inscrutable to you. Please feel free to ask. Really.

8. It’s great when you involve my kids in the conversation. See, I’m trying to strike the balance between paying attention to them and paying attention to you, so if you pay attention to them, it’s win-win-win.

9. It’s so sweet when you offer to bring something. I know you don’t keep kosher so please don’t feel bad if I just ask you to bring flowers or dessert from a kosher bakery. You might want to check with me which bakery is kosher because “Farbstein’s Kosher Rugeleh Shop” may not, in fact, be kosher. Also, many people serve meat or chicken at Shabbos dinner and therefore would not serve dairy at dessert, even if it’s not together. Just good to know.

10. What we really want is for you to have a nice time. Relax, don’t worry so much about the rules, and just try to have fun. We know you may not be familiar with the customs and that’s OK! We like you and that’s what matters.

11. I know I said ten but I couldn’t resist. If you’ve spent time avoiding my invitation, deleting my email, ignoring my voicemail, and pretending you didn’t check Facebook, please know that if you do, indeed, accept my invitation, you may actually have a very nice time.

What are some things you’d like your guests or hosts to know?

shabbat

Queens Girl, Cleveland Girl

10 Things To Do On Shabbat

The 10 Things I Want My Shabbat Guests to Know