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why Orthodox Jews do what they do Archives - Page 13 of 17 - Out of the Ortho Box
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why Orthodox Jews do what they do

Uncategorized October 6, 2011

Is Your Dog Orthodox?

Why are Orthodox kids scared of dogs?

I have a better question:  Why do dog-owners get offended when Orthodox kids are scared of their dogs?

Here’s the answer to the first question; dog owners will have to supply the answer to the second:

Orthodox kids typically do not grow up with dogs as pets.  Their relatives and classmates typically do not either.  Therefore, they are not used to them.  Therefore, they don’t know how to read their signals or distinguish from pit pull to golden retriever (did I get that right?).  When a huge doggie leaps up and is larger than said child (or not), it can be frightening.

Which begs an even better question:  Why don’t Orthodox people typically own dogs?

Some hypotheses:

1. They have more kids instead of pets.  Me, if I ever thought I had the time and mental energy to handle caring for an animal, I’d say to myself: Self!  What is stopping you from bringing another child into this world?

2. For kids of Holocaust survivors, dogs were a no-no, as the Germans used them for crowd control, and worse.

3. There are some Halachic issues with caring for a pet on Shabbat and holidays.  Yes, yes, I know that they can all be surmounted, but some people would prefer to avoid this issue in the first place.

4. Part of Jewish philosophy is the stressing of the distinction between human and animal.  I don’t know if or how that relates, but I sure find it interesting, especially as society as a whole tends to humanize animals and animalize humans.  Think Curious George all the way down to the Berenstein Bears, to the zoo telling us we are simply cooler primates.  Jewish philosophy disagrees.

5. Due to the above and possibly reasons I’ve never thought of, it has become culturally unusual for Orthodox people to own dogs – which drives its own resistance.

Nevertheless, I want to stress that it is not AGAINST Halacha (Jewish law) to own a dog, and if an Orthodox person wants to, he most certainly can, and all the power to him, and that’s awesome.

And if it could please not lick my face, I’d be decidedly grateful.

Any other hypotheses out there?

Uncategorized October 5, 2011

Growing up Faithful

Taught a class this week on the concept of Torah from Sinai.  The issue at hand was did, indeed, the Revelation at Sinai take place exactly as described in the Torah?

But before the conversation progressed very far, one of the women asked:

“Were you told this growing up?  That the Torah was given at Sinai in this miraculous way?  What was that like?  Because this was not a conversation we ever had in MY family.”

I tried to answer her question without the curse of knowledge.

And said:

I wasn’t told that it happened.  It was like the oxygen in our air.
I wasn’t told “my grandparents” were at Sinai – I was told WE, our very souls, were at Sinai.
It wasn’t A Conversation.  It was multiple conversations, off-the-cuff comments, references to faith, belief in miracles, and hope for the future, replaying infinitely and exponentially.
It wasn’t blind faith.  I challenged, asked, insisted on consistency and cohesion and synchronicity and order.  And got it.

What were you told?

Uncategorized September 27, 2011

A Chicken?? Really?? Kapparos in 2011

Follow my instructions exactly:

Take one chicken.

Hold it by its wings.

Move it around your head in a circle, halo-style, three times.

Now say this:

“This is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement. This rooster/hen will go to its death (or this money will go to charity), while I will enter and proceed to a good long life and to peace.”

Now give the chicken to a kosher slaughterer (shoichet) and donate the chicken to charity.

Nice!  You’ve just done the ritual called “kapparos” – pronounced “ka-PUH-ros” (long “o”).  Or, in Yiddish, shlugged kapparos.

Allow me to qualify a few points:

1. This is a custom, that is traditionally done around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  NOT a law.  There’s a big difference.

2. Many have the custom to perform this ritual with money that will go to charity instead of a chicken that will go to charity.  Back in the day, fowl was currency.  It’s cool to continue traditions exactly as they were done back in the day; it certainly enhances preservation of our faith.  But the point is charity, so if you’re squeamish, vegan, or a germaphobe, money is the way to go.

3. The chicken is not harmed or mistreated.  They are handled at least as well as regular chickens are handled for normal food consumption.  If the way chickens are handled for normal food consumption bothers you, I am sorry, but that is a whole ‘nother blog.

4. The concept is that the consequences of our misdeeds can be symbolically transferred to the animal, and simultaneously, wake us up to the reality that our deeds indeed do have consequences, in a very technicolor way.  By sacrificing it (or anything of value) to charity, we have the priceless opportunity to gain absolvement for those misdeeds.  Caveat: if you do kapparos, and keep on sinning, you’ve just wasted a chicken and your time.  This ain’t no presto-chango hoojie woojie – it’s supposed to be a supplementary device in the general repentance toolbox.

5. Interested in trying it out?  Let me know… I can work it out for ya.

Ever tried kapparos??  What was your experience?

Uncategorized September 25, 2011

The K9 Hora Club

Fascinating how, no matter how secular a Jew may be, there are some things everyone knows.

Like, Jews don’t have baby showers.

Has your Jewish grandmother ever done odd things like spit when someone offers her beautiful grandbaby a compliment?  Or say stuff like, “poo poo poo!!”  Or tie a red string around the crib?

If so, congrats. You are part of the K9 Hora club.  And, uh, no relation to the “hora” that you dance at a bar mitzvah.

Let’s start with some ulpan.

The phrase K9 Hora actually stems from three words smushed together (is smushed a Yiddish word too?  When I was little I always thought “smorgasbord” and “farfetched” were Yiddish) – and I’d like to credit my source – a very cute kenohora article right here.  And just try to google kenohora – there about 613 ways to spell it.

Which is why I like my way: K9 Hora. It almost looks English.

So the three words are: kein, the Yiddish word for no or negating, ayin, Hebrew for eye, and hara, Hebrew for Evil.

What is an Evil Eye?  Are Jews superstitious??  Is God out to get us?  Why does Madonna wear a red string?

In order:
I’ll tell you.
No.
No.
And  on principle, I don’t speak for Madonna.

What’s an Evil Eye?
Jews generally earn the Divine Protection of G-d – by default.  Not necessarily because we earn it, but because He loves us.  However, there are some ways to invalidate this protection, and one of them is by flaunting our blessings in a way that makes others uncomfortable or envious.  In a way that is excessive.  Then G-d pulls out His ledgers and checks us out.  Audits us.  And may very well say: “Hey – if you don’t really deserve your blessings, but no one’s getting hurt… OK.  But if your being in-your-face with My gifts, I may have to retract them.”

So this is called the Evil Eye – of other people in our lives, viewing our gifts with a negative eye.  Now, if there’s anything smart Jews want to do, it’s protect their assets.  So us Jews have gone completely extreme with protecting ourselves from Evil Eye – in some interesting ways.

Like when someone compliments your beautiful granddaughter, to spit and say, “Ew!  She’s so ugly!” which is code for “Get your evil eyes far away from me!”

This is not really my way.

The Torah states that if you buy into being victim to this whole dynamic, you will, indeed become susceptible to it.  And if you don’t, if you trust G-d, act normal, don’t flaunt your blessings, and share your goodness with others, you will continue to merit G-d’s Divine Protection.

It’s might seem easier, though, to just omit the baby shower, hang up a hamsa, wear a red string.  But those are shortcuts – not accessing the real state of faith that offers protection from the Evil Eye.

By the way, this is also why some people won’t share news of a pregnancy till it’s obvious or say how many kids or grandkids they have, and why some will otherwise downplay their blessings.

Me, I prefer to say “Thank G-d.” It’s positive – and focuses on my gratitude.  With Divine assistance, this will be the protection I need.

Uncategorized September 22, 2011

A Page From My Calendar

I live with feet in a few different worlds.  And I only have two feet.

Sometimes this makes for a very interesting daily schedule.  And multiple outfit changes.

Here’s a sample page from my calendar:

Sunday, August 28th


7:30 am – my kids wake up.  I stumble out of bed, say my Modeh Ani (grateful I’m alive) prayer and get going with the kiddies: diapers, breakfasts, straightening up after both of these.  Try to fit in some formal prayer; it doesn’t work.I appoint one of my teens in charge and leave for my first engagement.

10:00 am – bris of a friend’s baby.  It’s a rather Orthodox, conservative-type affair.  It’s her ninth (or tenth?) child.  Mazel tov!  My husband does the bris, so that’s always fun for me.  Appropriate garb would be black and black, with a bit of black.  However I do not dress to code since I am going straight to…

10:45 am – bat mitzvah of the daughter of a friend.  While my friend is Orthodox, lots of people at the affair are not.  Lots of colors being worn.  I dress for this occasion, and have a wonderful time (no correlation).

At around noon I head home to return to my lovely children, some of whom need lunch.  I feed, clean, soothe, and attend to my Droid (my 8th child).

I briefly contemplate attending an event where one of our friends is going to kick off a political campaign, and while I really, really, want to go, I just feel like my kids need me home.

Family first – it’s a tough one to implement sometimes.

4:00 pm – Back to School BBQ for JFX.  This requires yet another, cute-but-casual outfit.  Change from head to toe is pretty much required.  My daughters contribute some uninvited input into my choices, and I summarily ignore them.  Transportation to the BBQ is iffy, because my son has a drum lesson 20 minutes away in the middle of the BBQ.  Two cars are needed so teen driver can transport said drummer.  Teen driver also transports those kids that don’t want to arrive early to help, after we leave.

6:15 pm – BBQ is wonderful.  Lots of great JFX friends, new and old.  Weather: awesome.  Food: too busy to eat.  Clothing choice: apparently OK, despite my spurning the advice of my teens (!).  I panic, since I can’t find drummer and lesson is in 15 minutes.  I find him, teen driver is dispatched, and I attend to baby and cleanup.  We get ready to go.  Upon arrival home, it dawns on me that drummer-boy did not take his antibiotics on time… bummer.

7:00 pm – bedtime for the two younger ones.  Off regular schedule due to BBQ… hafta deal.  TG (thank G-d) my husband is around to do baths and help – have I ever mentioned his exquisite awesomeness?  I am in a time crunch because at 8:30 pm I have a…

8:30 pm – Mother’s meeting at my girls’ high school for moms of incoming 9th graders.  Oh my, do I have to change.  Unwritten dress code is once again black and black, with a bit of black.  We hear inspirational words about the beauty of Torah learning and living, and meet the teachers and mothers.  I’m really happy that my girls will have such awesome teachers and am excited to see my friends in the “other” world.

10:00 pm – return home to chill with older kids and hubby.  Reflect back on the diverse people in my day and in my life… the diverse outfits in my closet… the diverse communities that I am a part of.

Tired, but grateful… g’nite!

Uncategorized September 20, 2011

Take the Ortho-speak Quiz!

It turns out that while Anglos of all stripes think they’re speaking English, there are numerous ways to misunderstand each other:

NY/Midwest/South

US/Great Britain/Australia

Ortho/Non/other point on the spectrum

So, take the quiz!  See what happens. 

1. What do you do with a 2-year-old?

  1. potty train
  2. toilet train
  3. pamper him
2. What is the soft piece of furniture that you sit on?

  1. sofa
  2. couch
  3. not sure, but it’s encased in plastic
3. What do you call the bag that kids use for school?
  1. backpack
  2. knapsack
  3. briefcase
  4. Seriously?  Briefcases are for people that have completed law school.
4. What is a kids’ favorite pasta dish?
  1. mac ‘n cheese
  2. macaroni with ketchup
  3. farfellach
5. What do you call sparkling water?
  1. Pellegrino
  2. soda water
  3. seltzer
6. What is the meal you eat at 6 pm?
  1. dinner
  2. supper if at home, dinner if at a restaurant or fundraiser
  3. supper 
7. What do you call the World Wide Web?
  1. Innernet (as in counnertop and Conninennal Airlines)
  2. Internet
  3. Whazzat?
8. What do you call your mother?
  1. My mom
  2. My mother
  3. Mommy
9. What do you call the vacation from school in the winter?
  1. Winner break (see: innernet)
  2. Winter vacation
  3. Umm… Chanukah?
10. What phrase do you use to end a phone conversation?
  1. Talk to you later (even if you won’t)
  2. Be well, take care
  3. Zy gezunt
11. What do you do with children at 7:30 pm?
  1. Put them to bed
  2. Put them to sleep
  3. Go shluffy
12. What phrase do you use upon complimenting your children?
  1. Knock on wood
  2. Thank G-d, Baruch Hashem
  3. Kenainahara poo poo poo
Scoring!!
Mostly ones: You likely have very little Yiddish influence in your lexicon.  Mazel tov on the Queen’s English.
Mostly twos: Traces of Ortho-speak, but you’re still a chameleon.
Mostly threes: Ortho-speak rules!  Mazel tov!
Uncategorized September 16, 2011

Cultural Oddities: Simcha Celebrations

So as I venture into ever more diverse segments of the Jewish community, I have come to the conclusion that there are some fascinating cultural differences and similarities in celebrating bris, bar and bat mitzvah, and weddings.

Here are a few:

1. “Making a bar mitzvah.”

Frum (Orthodox) people generally say, “I’m making a bar mitzvah.  I’m making a wedding.”  What this means is that they are planning the simcha for their child, which is true, but I’ve never heard non-Orthodox people use this particular verb in this context.  Why is this?  Similarly, Ortho-folk will say, “I’m making Shabbos,” or “making Pesach.”

2. “Just come.”

I’ve found that Ortho-folk who come from large families and busy communities are much more “heimish” (homey) about extending an invitation by phone, declining an invitation, cancelling, showing up uninvited, etc.  Clearly, people should be good about sending invitations and reply cards, and not make the “baal simcha” (the one “making the simcha”) call you to see if you’re coming (!) when they’d much rather be at the manicurist’s, but in general, this degree of chilled-out attitude doesn’t seriously bend anyone out of shape.  “Surprising” someone at a simcha is also a totally accepted thing to do, or popping in for part of it if you can’t be there for the whole thing.

3. The six weeks rule.

You know how the “rules” say to send an invitation six weeks before?  I find more secular Jews send them out earlier than that, and I’m not even referencing the “save-the-date” that comes out much, much earlier than that.  In the other corner we’ve got the Ortho-Jews who send them out later.  Sometimes much later.  (See: heimish.) Also, no save-the-dates as far as the eye can see.

4. Gifts table.

No idea why on earth this is true, but at non-Orthodox shindigs, there is typically a gift table.  Ortho-folk bring their gifts to the home before or after.  Truly an oddity to my mind.

5. What time does it start?

Non-Ortho affairs start, well, when they’re supposed to start.  Showing up late requires an explanation.  On the other hand, when an Orthodox wedding or bar mitzvah is called for 6 pm, “everyone” knows it’s only going to be immediate family and the photographer at 6 pm.  Show up at 6:30, for crying out loud.  (!)  The other totally bizarre thing about this is that the further east you travel, the later you should show up; so when my sister’s vort (engagement party) in NJ was called for 8 pm, most folks showed up at 11.  Oh… was that not on the invitation??

6. Kids.

Well, this makes perfect sense.  Orthodox people have more kids… their simchas have a lot more kids! Your typical Orthodox wedding will have multiple nieces and nephews, all decked out in their finest, to the extent that a babysitter (or team of) is often hired at the hall to supervise the kiddies.  There is often a whole “kiddie table” with “kiddie food.”

But as usual, I like to find more in common than not… we all: want to experience nachas, want to be surrounded by family and friends, have spent more than we planned, and want all our guests to be happy.  Oh, and if our kids could write their thank-yous with no input on our part, we’d all be all the more joyous.

Mazel Tov!

Curious to hear your observations!