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why Orthodox Jews do what they do Archives - Page 16 of 17 - Out of the Ortho Box
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why Orthodox Jews do what they do

Uncategorized August 16, 2011

Mythbusters #1: Orthodox girls are not allowed to get Bat Mitzvahed

When did Bat Mitzvah become a verb?

The first time someone asked me if I “got Bat Mitzvahed” I had no idea what she was trying to ask.  Was she asking if I turned 12?  Was she asking if I had a party?  Why did this question appear to be fraught?  Was it a trick?

When I answered, “Yes, of course I had a Bat Mitzvah,” the reaction was invariably one of surprise.  Then came the kicker: “So you read from the Torah and everything?”  Now I was thoroughly confused.  No, I didn’t read from the Torah.  Was that supposed to be The Important Thing?

Clearly, we were speaking two different languages.

As I was growing up, say, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc, I was raised to understand a few basic tenets about life and Judaism.

1. God (we called him “Hashem” which is Hebrew for “the Name”) was a very strong presence in our lives.

2. He is a national and personal God.

3. There are all kinds of mitzvot/mitzvos we do (give tzedakah, eat in a Sukkah, pray) and all kinds of things we don’t do (gossip, drive on Shabbos, eat cheeseburgers), in accordance with the Torah, which is God’s guidebook for us.

4. When we would turn 12, and for boys 13, on our Hebrew birthdays, we would, according to the Torah, become responsible for our behavior in the eyes of God.

5. This is a big deal.

For awhile I thought the whole Torah thing was perhaps a ploy by the Adults to make us behave; I wondered if at my Bat Mitzvah my mother would tell me it was all a sham, but I should be sure to perpetuate the trick to the next generation to get them to obey their parents, not fight, etc.

I was wrong.

But many things were “practice” for post Bat Mitzvah.  For example, if I skipped my daily prayers before my Bat Mitzvah, it wasn’t such a big deal, but after my Hebrew birthday, I understood that it really counted.  If I fought with my siblings prior to my Bat Mitzvah, well, that wasn’t nice, but it was all really a rehearsal for post Bat Mitzvah, when my accounting in Heaven would begin.  Yes, I knew all this at 12, as did my friends.
The actual celebration of The Day was a big deal, and fun to plan.  My grandparents came in from out of town and we invited my friends and classmates to my home.  My mother and I planned the menu and program.  We had a delicious homemade dinner – all my favorites – and I got a new dress.  I said a Dvar Torah from my parsha and we took lots of amateur pictures.  I was happy.

But the main part was what would take place after – I was a grown-up in God’s eyes, responsible for my decisions and moral choices.

It never occurred to me to need more.

Yes, my brothers had a Bar Mitzvah.  Yes, there were more guests than at my Bat Mitzvah.  Yes, they read from the Torah.  No, I was not jealous.  Can I explain this?  Here are some thoughts.

1. Just like the guy gets a bigger fuss at the Bar Mitzvah, the girl gets a bigger fuss at the wedding.

2. Somehow I just knew it wasn’t about the party. The party was so secondary to the real thing, which was life.

3. When you’re full, you don’t crave someone else’s food.  I had a rich upbringing.  My Judaic smorgasbord consisted of rich customs, intellectual offerings every single day, deep emotional connections to my faith, and very clear guidance on the very deepest questions of life.  Why am I here?  What is my soul?   What does it all mean?  I was offered answers to all these questions and to others I hadn’t even thought of.  Reading from the Torah paled in comparison to living, breathing, and feeling Torah in my every pore.

So… yes, I was Bat Mitvahed!

Were you?

Uncategorized August 10, 2011

Shakin’ in My Boots

Awkward:  I meet someone for the first time at a social event, and he sticks out his hand to shake mine.  I apologize and decline to shake, stating that, “It’s a religious thing; I don’t shake hands with men.”

Very awkward.

Let me explain.
Jewish law and tradition have a lot to say about relationships between men and women.
How to keep them monogamous.
How to keep them spiritual.
How to keep them fresh.

To put it bluntly, a physical relationship is only intended within the framework of marriage.

To this end, there is a whole huge lifestyle that goes along with living according the Torah’s directives in this area.  The basic logic is this: if boys and girls socialize, they will date.  If they will date, they will develop feelings for each other.  These feelings may or may not be real, mature, devoted, or sane.  A physical relationship will likely develop that will have nothing to do with one’s life partner.

Therefore, boys and girls in the Orthodox world, at differing degrees of intensity depending upon where along the ortho-spectrum one falls, are pretty much educated and socialized separately.

How about grown-up folks?

Well, since adult human beings are, erm, not immune to faithlessness, there are a number of guidelines in place to prevent unseemly or unwanted relationships from forming. 
Like not being alone with a member of the opposite sex unless you’re married.  Or immediately related.
Like not touching, unless same.
The general idea is that this is a safeguard, or as it’s referred to in Torah jargon, a “fence.”  To protect us.  From our very human selves.

“Question, Rabbi?
Handshaking is hardly a big deal.  I mean, it’s just like a business-like greeting.”

Answer:
You’re right, which is why many halachic (that which pertains to Jewish Law) authorities permit it.  But some do not.  My personal rabbi does not.  The logic is – what if hugs become the new handshake?  (And, um, I think they have.  Possibly even kisses.)  Then what?  So some say, a handshake is a handshake, and some say, don’t even get started.  Touch is touch.  If you’re not shaking hands, you’re setting a very clear boundary right there.  Which, in an era of increased harassment suits, may not be such a bad idea for anyone.

Lovely.

But I’m still shakin’ in my boots at the thought of shakin’.  Why?  Because it has so much potential for awkwardness.  If folks already think that as an Orthodox Jew, I am standoffish/snobby/weird, this may very well confirm it for good.  Also, you know when you try to high-five someone and they don’t connect?  AWKWARD.  No one likes having their hand hang out in mid-air like a piece of cold, unwanted, spaghetti.  Also, and possibly most importantly, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.

So I pray they won’t extend the hand.  Maybe a smile and a “hi, pleased to meet you” will be enough.  Maybe I can balance a plate of hors-d’oeuvres and a glass and that will be my “no handshake available” signal?  Sometimes my husband and I try to stand near each other so we can do each other’s handshakes.  A bit odd, to be sure (no points in combating the “Orthodox Jews are weird” category) but at least not reject-ful.

Ideally, people who know us can warn their friends or family in advance that we have this fetish so no one will mistakenly extend their hand.  Not because it offends me (as many people erroneously believe) but because the last thing I want to do is offend another by rejecting his handshake, when all he is trying to do is be polite and social.

So let’s make a deal.
Let’s not be offended by one another.
Yay!
I think the shaking is subsiding.
Have you been on either side of the hand-shaking moment? 
Uncategorized August 8, 2011

Sad Day

Tonight and tomorrow.  Sad day.

I’ll be sitting shiva.

For the Temple.  In Jerusalem.

That I lost 2000 years ago.

I’ll sit on low chairs.  Not eat.  Not drink.  Not make small talk.

I didn’t know the Temple, much.

I’ve heard about it, though.

Seen the ruins.  Heard about the miracles.  Prayed for its return.

Cried, for the sorry state we find ourselves in today.  In spiritual disconnect and confusion.

Hard to mourn, for that which you never had.

That just makes it sadder.

To distract myself with blogging would be wrong.

I want to dwell on my shiva, not be distracted from it.

My fellow Jews, we are one family.  We all sit shiva together.

We need each other, for comfort and support.

Can’t afford to hate… to gossip… to vilify.

If we were sitting shiva for a person, would we, could we fight, while burying our loved one?

People do.

*Sigh.*

I pray for the return of my loss.

A rebuilt Temple.

A rebuilt Jerusalem.

A rebuilt relationship.

Between us and God.

Between us and each other.

Between us and ourselves.

Amen, may it be so.
Uncategorized August 7, 2011

There Was an Old Woman II

I once had the honor of watching a Sesame Street episode where Kermit the Frog was interviewing the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.  For those that don’t recall, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.

I was curious, as was Kermit; how many children did she actually have?  How many, in fact was TOO many?

As it turns out, 8.

Well. 

I have 7.

So apparently I don’t have SUCH a big family.

How do I manage with my crew?  I’ve been asked this many times.  Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:
  • In the various “Orthodox” circles where I travel, my family may be considered large, average, or “that’s a sneeze”.  Some people reading this may be chuckling at the notion that I have a lot on my plate.
  •  I am one of 7 kids.  So this feels normal to me.
  • My husband is one of 8 kids… he and Kermit may have something to talk about.
  • Did you ever notice that people think a “large family” is anything with more kids than they grew up with?  Likewise, a “small” family would be… anything smaller than they grew up with.  My, what an objective and scientific group us humans are.
  • Since my sibs and sibs-in-law are all used to this, as are many of my friends, we are not a novelty or a curiosity.  It’s considered normal for me to have a couple of friends’ kids or nieces/nephews for sleepovers or playdates; likewise, my kids would go over to friends, neighbors, or relatives even when they have a houseful.  Multiple pregnancies, nursing moms, and childbirth are all part of the fabric of lives.  We’re used to this and it’s part of the culture.  This implicit and practical support is everything.
  • I am the oldest girl and the second child in my family.  My mom is a very smart woman, and guided us to help in a way that was empowering and also taught us responsibility, commitment, and selflessness.  She let us help in ways that we wanted to by offering me choices (would you like to do the grocery shopping or bathe the kids?).  Contrary to some media reports I’ve seen, this did not make me resentful, neurotic, un-religious, or give me an eating disorder.  It made me a healthy, responsible member of society.  Did I always want to help?  NO.  But the doing when I wasn’t in the mood helped me get out of the selfish zone that many teens live in. 
  •  I loved my younger sisters and brothers.  (Okay, my older brother too.)  I sincerely was so excited each time my mother had another child.  My kids are like this too.  Once would be quite surprised at how kids in large families beg their folks to have more (assuming it’s a healthy household).  When I had six, my kids were literally hounding me: When are you going to have another baby??  So they LOVE getting the baby after a nap, feeding her Cheerios, walking her in the stroller, and…. Well, the diaper changing is still mainly my and my husband’s job. J
  • I hire paid help when I need to and I don’t consider it a luxury.  We don’t go on expensive vacations, and I buy clothes on the cheap, but help in the home is a total priority.  And I DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.  Healthy mom, healthy kids.  It’s that simple.
  • My big kids totally help me (see #6).  Sometimes they love doing it, and sometimes they don’t, but girls and boys alike help out with: cleaning up, laundry, grocery shopping, various gofer errands around the house, setting the table and clearing away, babysitting, and, yes, even diaper changing.  Despite the effort this involves on my part, I am a firm believer that this is good for my kids (and for me).  Some call it Pyramid Parenting.  My husband and I are at the top, and we delegate to the younger ones to help out with the even-younger-ones.  It needs to be done with sensitivity so the goal is accomplished without resentment and we need to constantly check ourselves that each child receives adequate attention and alone-time.  Do I always succeed?  No, but I think for the most part we do OK.
  •  I pray.  As often as I can.  For many things, but specifically, that God should help me be a good parent, gift me with the wisdom to make the right decisions for my kids and the strength to care for them as they need.  For good health and good influences.  That they might grow up to be spiritual, healthy in body and mind, to do good deeds, be good Jews, honest and upright, marry well, and be a credit to all.
  • My husband and I are an absolute team.  We share the load, whether that load is physical, job-related, kid-related, house-related.  This is huge.
  •  Am I overwhelmed?  Sometimes.  Are parents of two kids ever overwhelmed?  Are non-parents sometimes overwhelmed??  We all get overwhelmed sometimes.  That’s OK.  That’s just life.

And finally, Kermit, I’d like to say that I think we need to get this family into reality TV… An elderly octomom, the whole living in the shoe piece… would you say??
Uncategorized August 4, 2011

There Was An Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

It appears that everyone wants to hear about large families (see yesterday’s comments).

So here’s my completely disjointed response to yesterday’s questions:

1. Some large families and some small families parent irresponsibly.

2. Some large families and and some small families find it hard to pay the bills.

3. Some Orthodox men begin their marriage by studying in kollel full-time (Kollel – a non-profit institution where married men study advanced Talmud full-time and receive a stipend to do so. It’s a Hebrew word that means “all-included” since the idea is that the families’ needs would be taken care of. Pronounced “KOE-lell.”)

4. Men who study in kollel receive a stipend for doing so.  Many also receive help from parents.

5. Men who study in kollel typically do so for a temporary number of years (before they have a lot of kids) at which point they seek employment in the “regular” world.

6. Most kollel men that I know (agreed, this is anecdotal and unscientific) are incredibly helpful with bedtime, bathtime, grocery shopping, diaper changing, and the like.

7. Kollel life is not for everyone.

8. Using birth control is a concession in Jewish law, intended to be applied in certain circumstances and at certain times in one’s life.  Using it too liberally or not liberally enough are both problematic in Jewish law, and therefore (weirdness alert) is done with the guidance and mentorship of a Rabbi – a huge factor in Jewish living that I talk about all the time (those of you who know me are smiling).
Is this weird?

Yeah, but if you have a Rabbi that you respect and are close to, there is seriously no more satisfying way to live life and make tough decisions with serenity, clarity, and wisdom.

Is it weird to talk to your DOCTOR about birth control?  Sometimes, but you do it anyway, because you need guidance, right?  Same deal.

I know Rabbis who have insisted that families use birth control even when they didn’t want to.

9. That having been said, having money or not is NOT a factor.  The mother’s mental health is the key factor. Don’t you know people who have grown up with very little by way of materialistic stuff, but in a loving, happy home (whether large or small) who are so happy and well-adjusted?

Of course if you are incapable of supplying your family with basic needs, this is a problem, but chances are that will impact on the mental health of the mother.

10. Would you agree that many of the things we think we need money for are not our basic needs?  Would you agree that our expectations are quite high?  I know I’m in this boat.  I think of how people were raised two or even one generation ago and am actually embarrassed.

11.  Being poor is nothing to be ashamed about.  The economy’s collapse proved that even really smart people with really expensive and impressive degrees could not scrape it together.

12. The reason birth control is not openly discussed in the religious world is because it is highly personal and considered immodest to be discussed casually.  This is a good thing.  The casual and open discussion of people’s most personal lives does not bode well for us. The first time a casual acquaintance asked me, “Are you guys done?” I almost passed out.  That said, my friends and I all knew that it was there if and when we needed it, again, with the guidance of a Rabbi.

13.  When you see families with “a lot of kids” – what do you think is their motivation?  If they don’t seem to have enough money, or seem sapped and zapped, why do you think they do it?  It can’t be easy, so what do you think is driving this?

14.  Any husband who doesn’t help his wife is doing wrong in the eyes of Torah.  This is true whether he thinks he’s doing a mitzvah by studying Torah when she needs him, or whether he’s off playing golf.

15.  Tuition in today’s day schools is a very big problem, bigger than me, that people much wiser than me are trying to solve, and deserves its own attention.  All I will say is that we, the parents, have created a monster by expecting a smartboard in every room, in-house, nutritious lunches, a speech, occupational, and whatever else kind of therapist available for free to each child in school, and many other amenities that were completely unavailable to the children of yesteryear.  We have very high expectations, then reel at the bill.  But again: this problem is way bigger than me, and I do not claim to have good answers.

16.  I feel that raising a large family is the most ideal and beautiful way (again: when possible) to raise wonderfully well-adjusted, unspoiled children who will become the parents of the next generation.

Tips on how I, personally, manage my brood coming soon… 🙂

Uncategorized August 3, 2011

Black Hattitude

If you think long skirts are all the rage, check out what’s goin’ on with the black fedora.

Why DO some Orthodox men favor these antiquated black fedoras, en masse?  Is it a closet Michael Jackson thing? (Answer: no.)

There are a couple of ideas behind the black hat.

1. Historically, it has been considered a sign of respect and gentlemanliness to wear one’s hat.  JFK supposedly was the first prez to appear at his inauguration sans hat, which was either way cool or rather blasphemous, depending on how old you were at the time.

2. There is a mystical notion in Jewish tradition that while a man should keep his head covered (with a yarmulke/kippah) at all times, to demonstrate visually that God is above him, he should actually wear a DOUBLE covering while praying/saying blessings.  The hat worked nicely, since everyone wore them for formal appearances, so having a formal appearance with God fit right in.

3. The fedora emerged in recent years as a “uniform” of sorts with the “yeshiva” community – and thus became viewed by adherents as a badge of pride, similar to tzitzit (the fringes some men wear hanging from under their shirts).  Ie, you can wear it, or you can wear it with pride.

I’ll focus for now on the last point.

The “yeshiva” community is a culture and lifestyle based on the notion that the center of a man’s/boy’s academic attention should be the yeshiva – an institution of almost full-time Talmudic study.  (Why this is for men and not women will be the subject of a separate post.)

The largest yeshiva in the US is Beth Medrash Govoha (translation: Upper House of Study) in the city of Lakewood, NJ.  Remember: NOT  Lakewood, Ohio.  You’ll be searching the 480 for awhile in vain for the black fedoras.  An entire yeshiva community has arisen around the yeshiva, and the “uniform” for a guy would be white shirt, black pants/jacket, and… the ubiquitous black hat.

Other aspects of the lifestyle include a resistance to pop culture (ie, not getting People magazine or going to movies), an emphasis on modesty between men and women, a passion for prayer, Torah study, and acts of kindness within the community, and the importance of large families when possible.
Believe it or not, all this is expressed with the donning of the black fedora.

Any questions?

Uncategorized August 1, 2011

Judgmental is Not a Religion, It’s a Personality Defect by guest blogger Wendy Solganik

My friend Wendy is smart, cool, and funny.  She runs her own custom cards business, learns mussar (Jewish character improvement), writes a popular food blog, and is a mom of 3.  She always has something insightful to share.  Here we go.

Be sure to check out her links at the bottom of her post.

Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m not “Orthodox.” I don’t know what you would consider me. I kind of like to defy labels. But I like to hang around with people who practice our religion in the traditional way. I learn a lot from them.
Last night I was at a party and I was talking to a perfectly nice woman. She was asking about the religious community that I am a member of. It also defies labels–of course–and I was explaining it as best as I could: the adults learn along side the children, our Rabbi and Rebbetzin are “Orthodox,” we are like a big, close family, and on and on.

And then she said it. “But aren’t the Orthodox so judgmental?”

Wah, wah.

I’ve heard this question/statement so many times before that it unfortunately didn’t come as a surprise. “Why do you say that?” I inquired.

I was met with some pretty ugly stories about how her family was treated by some people on a trip to Israel.

Okay, I admit, that’s not good.

And then I asked her some more questions. “Have you ever experienced this in the United States?”

“No.”

“How many people do you know? Five hundred? A thousand? And out of those five hundred, what percent of those people would you say have exhibited judgmental behavior at one point or another? How many people would you classify as downright judgmental people?”

And immediately she knew where I was going with this. I could see the light bulb moment.

People are judgmental. Not all of them, but some. That is the nature of human beings. Some way more than others. There are judgmental Atheists, judgmental Catholics, judgmental Reform Jews and yes, judgmental Orthodox. Are the percentages of people that judgmental AND Orthodox any higher than the percent that are judgmental and Non-orthodox?
I don’t think so.
And just like some people really are judgmental, there are also people that are very sensitive and tend to feel judged no matter who they are dealing with. They may be very concerned with what others think about them so they are on the lookout for signs. They might even mistake zealotry for judgmentalness. Someone who is excited about the way they are living their life that they just can’t help but try to try to share it with others would be misperceived as judgmental.

Or maybe calling someone “judgmental” is projecting their tendencies onto others. They know that they tend to judge others for their behaviors, so they assume that everyone thinks like they do.
I don’t know why this phenomenon exists exactly, but I do know that it exists, and in a very big way. But I myself have never experienced the judgmental Orthodox phenomenon.

What’s up with that?