So we’re all saying the confessional, yesterday. And we self-flagellate, symbolically, mostly. And we say we did all those things. But here’s the small problem:
*I didn’t actually do all those things.*
To be sure, I did some of them. Most of them. Many repeatedly and habitually. And maybe for some of the crimes I didn’t commit, I was nevertheless negligent in ways I am unaware. (Sorry for the abstract language but I confess to God alone and in no way am giving specifics here!)
What am I to think when I beat my chest and declare “I did it” when I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it?
Well.
Maybe it means I was too unruffled when I saw others trespassing on this value.
Maybe it means I didn’t do enough to be an example in this area.
Maybe it means I’ve plateaued and have stopped striving to improve.
Maybe I’ve overlooked this value in a very subtle form.
And maybe I’m apologizing on behalf of an unknown fellow Jew simply because we are all connected and all mutually responsible.
(I like the last one best.)
Wishing all my readers a beautiful year.
I like to think of it as Am Yisrael is one, and we are responsible for each other. For the sins we committed, not for the sins I committed. In our "I" centered society, it is easy to forget that we are a collective people, and we need to learn to band together instead of being so decisive amongst ourselves.
That's something I learned at Neve, is that we are apologizing for everyone, that we are kind of a whole entity, even though we obviously need to reflect on our own personal failings.
A good year to you!
ya know, that last (the one you like best) seemed like a great explanation in my own HS and sem days, back on the day, but now that I've matured a bit, and shed at least some of my previous self-satisfied arrogance, I'm beginning to think it's a cop-out, a way for us in the "frummie/we're ok" bunch [and who on YK doesn't belong to that club?] to be able conveniently ignore all the other reasons you stated above it – that I, myself, have transgressed in more ways than I care to admit even to myself, that my own personal teshuva is way from being over, that yeah – all those distasteful labels belong to me, in one way or another.
But maybe all the other nice Jews out there will allow me into their camp and then it will all be ok for us all.
Rena, this is really interesting for me to read, since I have no O connections in my life. That sounds like a really introspective humility.
True, but OTOH (trying to squelch my guilt) see how Hindah put it above. That takes what rena said and puts it in a much more loving light.
I came across a big smug, didn't I? sorry about that!
Y'know, I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly was able to find something within myself that related to everything listed in the viduy section. Even if it was just a moment, thought, a mood, or an oversight… regardless, on YK we let go of these excuses and really analyze ourselves. And it's not in order to wrack ourselves with guilt (indeed, indulging in guilt is one of the things that we confess!), it's in order to let go of our failings and recommit ourselves to our purpose. It's incredibly liberating and cleansing!
So true, Andrea, but I don't think we're expected to find guilt where it doesn't exist. We all make mistakes, and some on-purpose-mistakes, but we're generally not bad people. At least the ones reading this blog 😉
I'm with Andrea on this one. I can always find some hook that connects my behavior to the stated viduy. Did I steal? No, not cash or someone's identity, but certainly I "stole" someone's peace of mind, or showed disregard for someone's possessions or time. This year in particular I noticed the line "zilzul horim u'morim" – disrespect of parents and teachers. Sure, as a teenager that one stung, but this year I thought of it in terms of did I undermine my children's teachers in some way? Did I make it harder for my children to show me proper respect through my own failings? I think there is so much depth in these simple words that one can always find a personal application.
On the flip side, one thing I came across (on Facebook, of course) this year was a positive vidui. Based on the writings of Rav Kook, who created a positive alphabetical listing of things we've done right. I saw it in several forms, although only one named Rav Kook. I found this very helpful and meaningful, and I was able to identify to myself a few concrete improvements and accomplishments I've made in the past year in terms of my observance of mitzvot. It is very inspiring to look back and say — wow, I made such progress on XYZ. This year, can I make progress on ABC? I think it made my self-acknowledgement of my failings more genuine because I saw that change was truly possible.
miriam – really good points!
yes, self-flagellation serves no good purpose if not accompanied by the possibility of improvement.
On the non observant fringe over here:
My preteen calls on friday to ask if she can bring a friend home from school for a sleepover; the deal is always that she has to be pleasant and cheerful the next day despite staying up too late; last sleepover this was NOT the case and on the phone I remind her of that and that I had TOLD her then that the next sleepover request would be denied; I hear her brain cogs through the phone trying to figure out a new angle to plead. I bring up that tonight is Yom Kippur, which kids know about and I had talked about at breakfast. I wait for her to apologize for last time. This does not seem to occur to her. It irritates me that this doesn't occur to her. Long pause on phone. A new option forms in my mouth before it takes shape in my brain; I say to her, "I forgive you for the rude behavior after the last sleepover. It is forgotten." She gets it. She thanks me. I ask her if she can forgive me for all the times I lost my patience and she says yes.
Wow! I'm impressed!
I was too . . . and I like the idea on this thread that in my mind I was apologizing for her, since she wasn't (yet . . .) able to do that, which allowed me to forgive her.
I left out a really dramatic part: after I reminded my daughter that her previous behavior had ended with me telling her that the next sleepover would be denied, the car in which she was riding (driven by our babysitter) was lightly rear-ended. So there was an interruption in this whole conversaton in which she suddenly shouted, "Oh no, we just got SMASHED INTO by another car!" And I calmed her down and inquired stepwise, "Are you ok? Is your brother ok? Is the babysitter ok? Look again at everyone, no bleeding or bones? Where was the car hit?" And the babysitter then took the phone and told me it was a rear-end and we suffered a scratch but no more–which means our other dents and scratches will have some company. So then we came back to the sleepover question and I offered the reminder that it was YK, and so on.
SBW, I love that you shared a personal story like this about your family. What a sweet story. It reminds me of my last post, "Gone."
May I suggest a yet another option?
Maybe even if we didn't do all those things, it's a reminder that we are not immune to them?
Just a thought…
Oh, I really like this.
I was taught it was the last one as well. Just as Sarah prayed for all women who longed for a child–and many did conceive along with her–we pray for forgiveness as one people. Your sin is my sin and mine is yours. Should I ever start to judge another Jew, let me remember that very judgment is a sin, one that deludes me into thinking we are separate, and that very Jew has prayed for forgiveness for me. I love this mentality because it helps to stifle that smug little voice that wants to make a checklist. All the best to you and yours in 5774, Ruchi! I'm so happy we became friends in 5773. 🙂
Ooh, I like that idea of keeping in mind that the other Jew has prayed for forgiveness for me. Hope I remember that one for next year.
Me too. I, too, Kate, am so happy. You remind me of so many important things.
And a question: are only Jews commanded to ask forgiveness on YK or at all? Would it be any good to apologize on behalf of non-Jews?
I appreciate this post, because I often felt that the YK self-abnegation was maybe a teeny bit overstated for my own numerous but piddly (on the order of world or even local scandals) missteps and offenses. I like how you (Ruchi) acknowledge that feeling of "Well, I wasn't THAT bad, or at least not on THIS count."
In the YK prayers we thank God for giving us (Jews) the gift of Yom Kippur, but clearly non-Jews are given the gift of repentance in general. Telling that the story of Jonah, read in synagogue on YK, records the story of a Jewish prophet sent to a non-Jewish city to help them repent and how God cared deeply about their welfare.