Happy birthday to me yesterday! I turned 39. No, legit 39. And I just love birthdays!
First let me say I don’t get anywhere near birthday cards that you buy in the store. Nor do I want my kids perusing them. Every single card for grownups is either in very poor taste or negative about aging. While some may think this is funny, I do not. I think it’s awful.
There’s a general approach in society that the younger, the cuter, the smarter, the faster, the stronger, the more savvy, the better. This approach hardly reflects Jewish values. And so many people who buy into Torah values still dread getting older.
I think it’s all about how you define yourself. We are all comprised, Judaism teaches, of body and soul (which has been a hot topic here). So if you define yourself by your body, well, after 17 it’s all pretty much downhill. You have to start excercising. Your skin starts to sag. The hair eventually gets gray or (gasp) falls out. It’s not so very pretty. I mean, which page in the newspaper (what’s that?) would you rather skim – the engagements, or the 50-year anniversaries?
But if you define yourself by your soul, well hopefully, if you’re growing as a human being, you’re improving every year. You’re learning new things and new insights; you’re more experienced in the wisdom of life; you’ve recognized mistakes and hopefully worked out some of your kinks. So every year is an improvement (and not just because you’re not dead, as Hallmark may have you believe). This is one reason that Judaism teaches us to respect our elders – as a famous Hebrew expression goes, “Ain chacham k’baal hanisayon” – there is no one as wise as he who has experience.
So here I am. 39. I’m better than I was at 29. I’m a little more measured and a little more patient. My pat parenting approaches have taken on a more nuanced sheen. I’ve realized the error of my ways in a number of areas. I’m so happy.
Did I love the birthday gifts, attention, beautiful and thoughtful and absolutely heartwarming phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts and messages, and in person wishes that I received? Did I adore the custom black-and-white cookie (my favorite) birthday cake that my husband ordered for me from the Bagel Shoppe? And all the relatives who came to celebrate with me? So much.
But that’s not why I love birthdays. And it’s not why I don’t dread turning 40.
It’s because I know I am soul far more than body. And the trajectory of that aging process, well, it’s in my hands.
How do you feel about birthdays?
once again a beautiful post 🙂
I agree, life should be about learning from experience and improving. I wouldn't want to go back in time even if I could because it would mean being less mature and making some mistakes all over again.
Exactly. Sometimes I see newlyweds and I am so grateful for my station in life.
Questions:
1. I thought you (plural, Os) pray sometimes for aged loved ones to get healthy or not die if they are sick. Or even saying "l'chaim" over drinks (or is that just a "Fiddler On the Roof" thing?). So life and health are prized in Judaism, and these are diminish or end with aging. So how does that valuing of life and health fit with what you are saying about Torah values and older age?
2. Does your happiness over spiritual growth counteract a (presumed) unhappiness–like most people–over the aging of the flesh? Do they coexist? Does the former really make up for the latter? Or is the latter really not an issue at all for you?
3. Are botox and the like off limits for Os? Never thought of that before. I think someone said tattooing isn't ok, so maybe injectables are also not.
1. True, that life is a very paramount value in Judaism, but having a fit and fast body is not the same thing (of course you should take good care of the machine God gave you – that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about vanity). In fact, it correlates quite nicely, as even if your body is failing or aging, as long as you're alive you have something to contribute to the world. A valuable life is not only measurable insofar as one's body is "performing."
2. Yes, my happiness counteracts a presumed unhappiness like most people. Yes, the former really does counteract the latter, most of the time. It's something I have to remind myself of sometimes.
3. Botox "and the like" are not exactly off-limits. There are lots and lots of orthodox Jews who avail themselves of plastic surgery and Botox. However, it's not so simple. In Jewish philosophy our bodies are not our own and before one goes under the knife one ought to think long and hard about whether the value of what they're doing justifies mutilating the God-given body. Tattooing is specifically prohibited as a form of self-mutilation.
Happy birthday! 120!
Happy birthday again friend!
I don't know if it's as simple as being defined by your body or your soul.
I think that even though the vast majority of human beings do not define themselves by their bodies, everyone appreciates vitality, beauty, etc. Kind of like we don't define ourselves by our homes, but we still want them to look nice- we clean our homes, decorate them, etc.
Sure. As do I.
Awesome post Ruchi and Happy Birthday!!
I am so scared of aging. I work so hard not to look older. This post especially what you said "I know I am soul far more than body" made me envious. You have a much more fulfilling life because of this outlook.
Dear Blima,
Why are you scared of something that is natural and inevitable? Did you watch a loved one suffer extensively or be debilitated? Do you think you will be less loved or respected as your body ages? Physical pain is scary, but it is possible to age gracefully. Just do the best you can to be healthy and fit.
Sending you courage across the anonymous cyber-sphere to move forward in your life with strength and optimism. As an 85 year old friend of mine says, as long as you are learning new things, you are making the most of being alive. Her aches and pains don't stop her from growing and being grateful.
Best wishes,
Miriam
Thanks for the well wishes, everyone 🙂
Best wishes to you, Ruchi! Lots of health, mazal, and happiness to you!!!
I am also pretty happy that I get older. Not only because the only alternative to NOT getting older would be my life's end (G'd forbid) but because it gives me the opportunity to grow. I'd never want to be 20 again – my life improved so much and I am very happy with my life. So I am absolutely with you on this!
I totally agree with you about the birthday cards. Why is it considered nice to send someone an insulting message?
Regarding birthdays themselves, I think the depressing part is thinking not about deteriorating bodies but about lost potential.
DG, I agree with this. I am, I admit, vain and hate the deteriorating body. Not just vain about looks, but about physical abilities, like being able to still have babies AND survive the sleep deprivation; or being able to go running (hip surgery took this away) which made me feel sooo good.
But then there is a big sadness about things I didn't do, or mistakes made, or time spent doing something or in a relationship that wasn't good for me or anyone.
How do Os deal with regrets? Is it the idea that God meant it that way anyway so there is nothing to be sad about? Or with free will isn't there the problem that there IS real reason for regret?
[And I meant to say in my first comment HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!]
Sorry I missed this! I love how anonymous below has answered. And I agree that she is better equipped than me to respond. And thank you for the bday wishes 🙂
Legit 39. I love you, sistah. Beautiful post.
Thank you!!
as I am now over 50 and also post-divorce (as well as enduring at present alienation from some adult children) I feel better equipped to answer SBW than ruchi, at her stage of the game.
do I miss the stamina I had even 5 years ago? sure! but I wouldn't want to trade it for the maturity and growth I've gained through my life experience. do I regret bad life decisions I've made? of course! but:
1) I see so clearly how it wasn't necessarily my decision that I marry that man to have children together with him, but G-d's, that it was all part of my life plan. If I believed that G-d put me on this planet just to have a good time, then I wouldn't be able to fathom it. But knowing that I'm here to take whatever G-d hands me as an opportunity for growth does make it easier (though not simple by any means!)
2) I realize that being who I was when I made those decisions, as well as the reality that G-d led me to see, I see how I truly couldn't have done things any differently. In truth, I were back there again today, lacking the maturity I've gained along the way, I would make the exact same "mistakes".
3) Teshuva can heal all. Stronger even than the mere passage of time, teshuva can even change the facts to make a new reality, even better than it could have ever been otherwise, just as a strong doubled-over knot can be stronger than one mere strand of rope.
4) It is an illusion that we have ultimate free will – in actuality, we are only truly free to choose our perspectives and moral choices. [and for past moral mistakes – see #3)
Thanks for these insights. I see how the belief that all these things are part of God's plan makes for fewer regrets. For me it is instead just the bare tragedy (lower case t) of knowing that yes, my old self could only do as well as it did, and my current self can't go back and do otherwise.
How does teshuva change the facts to make a new reality? I know that means something like reflective repentance. Do you mean that knowing what you now know, you don't wish it otherwise, so even bad things that happened in the past aren't 'bad' but just 'what it took to get me to this point'? For me, without the consoling view that God led me to this, that doesn't make things better, but just lets bad things be tolerable.
SBW: your primary perspective has to be – did this experience lead me to more growth than I could have gained otherwise? [I'm sure it wasn't more "fun", but we have to believe that G-d had more in store for use than fun in this world, considering our vast capabilities.] Did it allow me possibilities of reaching my soul's highest potential?
This leads to a different definition of "good" and "bad". What you are calling "bad" should be looked at as "very unpleasant". I am reminded of a story about R. Zushe, who lived in dire poverty, afflicted with various ailments. When asked if he had everything he needed, his answer was – "but of course! For G-d, in His infinite wisdom, deemed it necessary for my soul's elevation and the fulfillment of my life's purpose for me to have poverty, so this is evidently what I need!"
[This is the reason that the Lubavitcher Rebbe always wished others "openly revealed good" as opposed to its opposite.]
and how can teshuva change reality? G-d directs the world – to Him, past, present, and future are all one and the same – He can rearrange our present reality to be as if our mistakes never happened, or even that they made things even better than they could have been otherwise. [Whether the former or the latter depends on the power and level of your teshuva.]
Let me give a concrete example form my life – I'm working, hoping and praying that through proper teshuva, I will be able to create relationships with my children that will be even stronger and healthier than they ever could have been without this path of growth that is forcing us to draw upon strengths we never even knew we had, and which never could have been brought to fruition without our [mutual] life path.
May this coming New Year be one of openly revealed good for the entire world, one filled with love, peace and prosperity for one and all, and may He bless each and every one of us with clarity and inner peace.
to add clarity: G-d won't change the facts of our past but through teshuva they can lose their significance in our our eyes so that they don't affect our lives in the present.
Wondering why there aren't any white-haired sheitels for frum women.